Have I permanently screwed up my kids?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Have I permanently screwed up my kids?
I stayed for far far too long with AH. I have a 3 yr old and almost 6 yr old with him and they are both a MESS and my guilt and sadness about what I've done to these pure, innocent, beautiful girls is overwhelming me.
My 3 yr old has rages that frighten me. She fights her father far more than me but does it with me too on everything. I assume she is trying to exercise control over what she can since she was born into a chaotic out of control family. I was stressed out of my mind bc of AH and his family during my pregnancy with D3 and I am terrified that I caused irreperable damage to her and that there are serious mental health issues at play.
D5 is angry angry angry and takes her anger out on D3. She doesn't listen to anything I say, tells me she hates me, wants me not to be her mommy and the like. She acts like a baby with AH and is super super needy when he's around. I don't mind that she is angry with me but I don't know how to help her. She's in therapy but doesn't open up and doesn't want to talk about her feelings.
I guess I posted this here bc I wondered what those of you who are older and grew up in A homes remember from being these ages and whether you think that I can reverse the damage that has been done?
For what it's worth I am filing for divorce and AH spends very limited time with the girls and I of late.
I signed a contract for a new job today and tomorrow I am making an appt with a law firm recommended by a lawyer friend-- I don't care the cost at this point. I've already called them and spoken to the lead counsel for the family division of the firm. Tomorrow is D-Day I guess...
All I care about right now is wondering whether my D's will ever be okay...
My 3 yr old has rages that frighten me. She fights her father far more than me but does it with me too on everything. I assume she is trying to exercise control over what she can since she was born into a chaotic out of control family. I was stressed out of my mind bc of AH and his family during my pregnancy with D3 and I am terrified that I caused irreperable damage to her and that there are serious mental health issues at play.
D5 is angry angry angry and takes her anger out on D3. She doesn't listen to anything I say, tells me she hates me, wants me not to be her mommy and the like. She acts like a baby with AH and is super super needy when he's around. I don't mind that she is angry with me but I don't know how to help her. She's in therapy but doesn't open up and doesn't want to talk about her feelings.
I guess I posted this here bc I wondered what those of you who are older and grew up in A homes remember from being these ages and whether you think that I can reverse the damage that has been done?
For what it's worth I am filing for divorce and AH spends very limited time with the girls and I of late.
I signed a contract for a new job today and tomorrow I am making an appt with a law firm recommended by a lawyer friend-- I don't care the cost at this point. I've already called them and spoken to the lead counsel for the family division of the firm. Tomorrow is D-Day I guess...
All I care about right now is wondering whether my D's will ever be okay...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I can only speak for myself. I was raised in a toxic home. Although divorced both my parents were alcoholics. And, they both remarried alcoholics. It was a nightmare.
My trauma in childhood had a serious impact on my development, all the toxic behavior was stored within my mind as a sensory memory, without me really having any understanding into it.
It has been reported that 50% of children of alcoholics/addicts marry people with addictions and that 70% develop a pattern of compulsive behaviors, such as an addiction or codependency issues. Me, I married 2 alcoholics (both deceased) and got mixed up with an addict. I had no clue how not to live in a dysfunctional enviorment.
I finally have worked my way into a healthy lifestyle, through therapy, and meetings. It has been a struggle, and to be real honest, to this day, I resent that I had to live that way as a child, my parents had no idea how to establish proper priorities.
Your children are definitely acting out, children need to trust their parent(s) and believe that they will support and protect them, if that doesn't happen, they have a tendency to act out.
They are young, the sooner they are not exposed to your husbands disease, the better off they will be. Therapy is a wonderful recovery tool, keep in mind that your daughter is still in the trenches, and probably is unable to properly express herself. I know that I suffered in silence, I didn't have the tools to express myself properly and to be honest, I was afraid to.
I believe that since you are aware of their problem and addressing it, they have a very good chance to get better and lead a calm fullfilling life.
The bottom line is that you are doing everything in your power to change their enviorment.
I know that you are a good mom, you are on the right tract, keep moving forward.
My trauma in childhood had a serious impact on my development, all the toxic behavior was stored within my mind as a sensory memory, without me really having any understanding into it.
It has been reported that 50% of children of alcoholics/addicts marry people with addictions and that 70% develop a pattern of compulsive behaviors, such as an addiction or codependency issues. Me, I married 2 alcoholics (both deceased) and got mixed up with an addict. I had no clue how not to live in a dysfunctional enviorment.
I finally have worked my way into a healthy lifestyle, through therapy, and meetings. It has been a struggle, and to be real honest, to this day, I resent that I had to live that way as a child, my parents had no idea how to establish proper priorities.
Your children are definitely acting out, children need to trust their parent(s) and believe that they will support and protect them, if that doesn't happen, they have a tendency to act out.
They are young, the sooner they are not exposed to your husbands disease, the better off they will be. Therapy is a wonderful recovery tool, keep in mind that your daughter is still in the trenches, and probably is unable to properly express herself. I know that I suffered in silence, I didn't have the tools to express myself properly and to be honest, I was afraid to.
I believe that since you are aware of their problem and addressing it, they have a very good chance to get better and lead a calm fullfilling life.
The bottom line is that you are doing everything in your power to change their enviorment.
I know that you are a good mom, you are on the right tract, keep moving forward.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Helle there wantobe 
Nope. People heal, even from the worst horrors.
yup. No doubt. I agree with Dolly, kids act out, and a good therapist can do wonders.
They will. And the reason I can flat give such answers without a crystal ball is because they have the most powerful antidote to dysfunction. A mom that _really_ loves them. Sure, they're acting out now. And when they're teenagers they'll do the "normal" manipulating. They may have some "emotional scars".... then again maybe not because they're young. In any case, the fact that you are protecting them at all cost, both financial and emotional, is what is going to count the most.
Children learn what they live, and you are giving them a life where they will feel loved, appreciated and protected. _That_ is what makes all the difference. Keep doing right by them and they will grow up to be fine adults.
Mike
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
... Have I permanently screwed up my kids?...
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
... you think that I can reverse the damage that has been done?...
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
... All I care about right now is wondering whether my D's will ever be okay......
Children learn what they live, and you are giving them a life where they will feel loved, appreciated and protected. _That_ is what makes all the difference. Keep doing right by them and they will grow up to be fine adults.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I feel like I just started figuring out my own toxic upbringing about a year ago-- I was in SERIOUS denial about what it had been like. And I wish I'd had the wherewithall to have not married an alcoholic since all I did was marry my mother by marrying my AH...
Now that I've decided to be totally done with AH I can't have it all happen soon enough. I want to be divorced NOW and be free of him and the girls free of him... But I know that even with divorce they'll still be subjected to him-- it'll just be alone and THAT is terrifying.
Anyway, I'm rambling-- thank you both for your replies-- I know what you're describing Dolly-- it's very much my experience of growing up in a very toxic, abusive (and I've begun to question whether my mom is an alcoholic actually) home... Knowing something is wrong, staying silent, being afraid to feel what I felt and say it aloud-- and I hate that I've helped to replicate that for my kids....
Now that I've decided to be totally done with AH I can't have it all happen soon enough. I want to be divorced NOW and be free of him and the girls free of him... But I know that even with divorce they'll still be subjected to him-- it'll just be alone and THAT is terrifying.
Anyway, I'm rambling-- thank you both for your replies-- I know what you're describing Dolly-- it's very much my experience of growing up in a very toxic, abusive (and I've begun to question whether my mom is an alcoholic actually) home... Knowing something is wrong, staying silent, being afraid to feel what I felt and say it aloud-- and I hate that I've helped to replicate that for my kids....
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
the sooner you can focus on them, instead of being miserable and distracted perhaps, the sooner the girls will heal. your happiness will make them happy.
being alone and taking care of your children is not so terrible. I did it, with little money, but we had a lot of love and laughter. something that was missing when i was still married and miserable.
life will be about you and the girls. not about an abusive stranger in your midst.
sending wishes for good things to come soon. hug them often, and make them laugh.
hugs
chicory
being alone and taking care of your children is not so terrible. I did it, with little money, but we had a lot of love and laughter. something that was missing when i was still married and miserable.
life will be about you and the girls. not about an abusive stranger in your midst.
sending wishes for good things to come soon. hug them often, and make them laugh.
hugs
chicory
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
I had a wonderful therapist during/after my divorce. I, too, was worried about my kids. He told me something that gave me a lot of hope for at least my youngest two... also 3 and 5. He said, to paraphrase, "The younger the child is, the more they're part of mom's recovery." The older kids had to go through their own recoveries because they had been a part of the dysfunction much longer. But my little ones basically followed my lead.
Your girls are small. They can follow you into a healthy, safe place. Time is on your side right now. Don't let this window of opportunity close. Get them out before this changes who they are.
Your girls are small. They can follow you into a healthy, safe place. Time is on your side right now. Don't let this window of opportunity close. Get them out before this changes who they are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Just to be clear-- the stress, worry etc I am expressing here is not my M.O. with my girls on a day to day basis. I am enjoying summer with them, doing small day trip things and try to do all the right things (hug them, let them feel what they feel etc...) What is worrysome to me is that in spite of this, I see huge red flags with them both and it worried me enough to want to hear others' thoughts on it... I definitely see the relationship bw my being happy and them and what's nice of late at least is that when I am with them and AH is not around I'm not distracted or thinking about him-- I really do just enjoy being with the girls... It just makes me sad to realize how much time they've lost bc of my "addiction" with their father... I guess I can't change the past-- just the future...
Went to see a new lawyer today. He deals primarily with mediation and told me point blank that with an addict mediation is not likely to be successful. So, he's referring me to a partner in his practice who does more litigation. I'd really hoped to avoid an acrimonious, litigious divorce but I guess that's not within my control.
Went to see a new lawyer today. He deals primarily with mediation and told me point blank that with an addict mediation is not likely to be successful. So, he's referring me to a partner in his practice who does more litigation. I'd really hoped to avoid an acrimonious, litigious divorce but I guess that's not within my control.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 3
Therapy
I second everything here, especially that healing can always happen. Sounds like you and your girls are in a major time of transition. I'm sure they can sense that (if not articulate it) and are looking for safety. You're (figuratively) building a stronger house for you and them, but they've been through a lot and are probably going to really beat on the walls of the house in order to know if they're truly solid now.
In my area, animal therapy is one option. The kids interact with certified therapy dogs and do different activities, like whispering in the dogs ear what makes them scared. The dogs don't judge and sometimes then the child feels safer telling the grown up or they at least feel better not shouldering their fears alone. I've heard of a similar set up using horses too.
It sounds like you're taking some really great steps for them and that is awesome. It's tough now, but they're acquiring the tools to handle all kinds of adversity throughout the rest of their lives in healthy ways.
In my area, animal therapy is one option. The kids interact with certified therapy dogs and do different activities, like whispering in the dogs ear what makes them scared. The dogs don't judge and sometimes then the child feels safer telling the grown up or they at least feel better not shouldering their fears alone. I've heard of a similar set up using horses too.
It sounds like you're taking some really great steps for them and that is awesome. It's tough now, but they're acquiring the tools to handle all kinds of adversity throughout the rest of their lives in healthy ways.
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