Feeling a bit sad about the devastation of alcoholism
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Feeling a bit sad about the devastation of alcoholism
Hi, everyone, newbie here. Healing from an abdominal hysterectomy and sitting around and having too much time on my hands to think about things.
I have a pretty good background of years of counseling, ACOA and Ala-teen/Al-Anon meetings, so I know about working the program and focusing on my own issues rather than the alcoholic's issues, but I find myself struggling with feelings of sadness in the last few days.
I learned my brother's alcoholism has progressed to end-stage and he became homeless before entering a VA program. I became cautiously hopeful for him when I learned he was in a rehabilitation program, but he left it and started drinking again.
I know that I am powerless against his disease. I know it is his path to walk and not mine, that only he has the ability to make a choice to get better.
I find myself feeling sad though. I know he is at the point where he will die now. My father, who is in his late 70's now, is also end-stage and I feel sad that he will die without me ever having had a chance to know him sober.
I think I must have still had some hope deep down that they might recover from their illness. And lately I have had to be honest with myself and admit there really is no hope at this point. I think I am mourning the loss of this hope.
I know it is my issue that I have to work through. I need to go ahead and mourn for a bit and then just move on, not allow it to occupy my thoughts or influence my emotions. But I can't seem to help but have this moment of sadness.
I'm posting here because I know there are people here who are walking this same path, and at times feeling this same sadness.
P.S. I know my user name must seem kind of ironic given that I'm feeling some sadness about the alcoholism's effects on my family of origin, but I really am generally very happy. I was so miserable growing up in the home I did, that this life now seems like a real miracle to me, no other way to describe it. I never could have imagined, as a child, that I would have a life where I didn't feel fear every day, where I wasn't abused nearly every day, where I didn't feel as if my own perceptions were wrong and I was crazy.
I have a pretty good background of years of counseling, ACOA and Ala-teen/Al-Anon meetings, so I know about working the program and focusing on my own issues rather than the alcoholic's issues, but I find myself struggling with feelings of sadness in the last few days.
I learned my brother's alcoholism has progressed to end-stage and he became homeless before entering a VA program. I became cautiously hopeful for him when I learned he was in a rehabilitation program, but he left it and started drinking again.
I know that I am powerless against his disease. I know it is his path to walk and not mine, that only he has the ability to make a choice to get better.
I find myself feeling sad though. I know he is at the point where he will die now. My father, who is in his late 70's now, is also end-stage and I feel sad that he will die without me ever having had a chance to know him sober.
I think I must have still had some hope deep down that they might recover from their illness. And lately I have had to be honest with myself and admit there really is no hope at this point. I think I am mourning the loss of this hope.
I know it is my issue that I have to work through. I need to go ahead and mourn for a bit and then just move on, not allow it to occupy my thoughts or influence my emotions. But I can't seem to help but have this moment of sadness.
I'm posting here because I know there are people here who are walking this same path, and at times feeling this same sadness.
P.S. I know my user name must seem kind of ironic given that I'm feeling some sadness about the alcoholism's effects on my family of origin, but I really am generally very happy. I was so miserable growing up in the home I did, that this life now seems like a real miracle to me, no other way to describe it. I never could have imagined, as a child, that I would have a life where I didn't feel fear every day, where I wasn't abused nearly every day, where I didn't feel as if my own perceptions were wrong and I was crazy.
Last edited by ACOAHappyNow; 07-04-2011 at 04:13 AM. Reason: to add P.S.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 14
Hello,
I do feel your pain...it is hard when we know that the best choice for us is to let their own actions/alcoholism unfold to whatever they choose...but I have found it very hard to not want to come in and rescue family members. Not only from the alcohol, but also from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home (siblings). My heart aches for you...but you sound like you ARE in a good place, that you recognize exactly what your sadness is...grieving over letting go. AND whatever you came from that has given you strength to love the life you live now is AWESOME. You have every right to be sad and angry...it is impossible for most not to be sad and angry when someone we love makes choices that will affect their well being. Nonetheless, YOU are making the right choice by finding a positive outlet like this forum to get it out verses alternatives like your brother...so good job! What I have discovered in my journey...when it comes to my own sadness over my mother's alcoholism, her choices, and the mother that liquid has taken away (by her choice of course)...my higher power has put other people in my path to be thankful for...other people (friends, etc) that "normal" people typically do not have in their lives...and I find myself being thankful for them while I grieve over the loss of my mother and my sibling (they are both living). My sister is very much sober but has much to work through due to our upbringing. It took much work on myself to see this clearly...because she didn't have alcohol to blaim...and my relationship with her was abusive and toxic...and did not serve my highest good. It is painful to let go...and yes...I experienced grieving in that process that it is what it is...and it may not change.
I do not know if this helped you or not...but keep on working through it like you are doing. You have control over yourself...and sometimes I find that the hardest to except as a ACOA while the others are still alive and we need to let them go. Keep working through these emotions...when you are healed physically, you will be stronger in more ways than just your body
. AND schedule something fun for yourself when you are healed as a reward...I think you being thankful for your life now alone makes you deserve it .
Hugs and more Hugs,
Fuschia Flower
I do feel your pain...it is hard when we know that the best choice for us is to let their own actions/alcoholism unfold to whatever they choose...but I have found it very hard to not want to come in and rescue family members. Not only from the alcohol, but also from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home (siblings). My heart aches for you...but you sound like you ARE in a good place, that you recognize exactly what your sadness is...grieving over letting go. AND whatever you came from that has given you strength to love the life you live now is AWESOME. You have every right to be sad and angry...it is impossible for most not to be sad and angry when someone we love makes choices that will affect their well being. Nonetheless, YOU are making the right choice by finding a positive outlet like this forum to get it out verses alternatives like your brother...so good job! What I have discovered in my journey...when it comes to my own sadness over my mother's alcoholism, her choices, and the mother that liquid has taken away (by her choice of course)...my higher power has put other people in my path to be thankful for...other people (friends, etc) that "normal" people typically do not have in their lives...and I find myself being thankful for them while I grieve over the loss of my mother and my sibling (they are both living). My sister is very much sober but has much to work through due to our upbringing. It took much work on myself to see this clearly...because she didn't have alcohol to blaim...and my relationship with her was abusive and toxic...and did not serve my highest good. It is painful to let go...and yes...I experienced grieving in that process that it is what it is...and it may not change.
I do not know if this helped you or not...but keep on working through it like you are doing. You have control over yourself...and sometimes I find that the hardest to except as a ACOA while the others are still alive and we need to let them go. Keep working through these emotions...when you are healed physically, you will be stronger in more ways than just your body
. AND schedule something fun for yourself when you are healed as a reward...I think you being thankful for your life now alone makes you deserve it .Hugs and more Hugs,
Fuschia Flower
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 14
Hello,
Me again. I thought of one more thing...have you learned about chakras through your journey of healing? Learning about them has helped me immensely while on my journey. Before learning about them and how they relate to our body, I felt overwhelmed with the process of healing. They helped me take one step at a time while incorporating my spirituality/higher power. Our physical body very much affects our chakras...and the two your surgery would have affected would be chakra #2 and #3. #2 has alot to do with our inner child and #3 has alot to do with control over ourselves or feelings of out of control. So in other words...I am not surprised you are feeling these feelings really strong. I am not sure if this will help you...but if I were in your shoes, and feeling some of these things, this would help me work through it better. If you are wanting to know more, there is a ton of information on the internet about chakras.
Take care,
Fushia Flower
Me again
. I thought of one more thing...have you learned about chakras through your journey of healing? Learning about them has helped me immensely while on my journey. Before learning about them and how they relate to our body, I felt overwhelmed with the process of healing. They helped me take one step at a time while incorporating my spirituality/higher power. Our physical body very much affects our chakras...and the two your surgery would have affected would be chakra #2 and #3. #2 has alot to do with our inner child and #3 has alot to do with control over ourselves or feelings of out of control. So in other words...I am not surprised you are feeling these feelings really strong. I am not sure if this will help you...but if I were in your shoes, and feeling some of these things, this would help me work through it better. If you are wanting to know more, there is a ton of information on the internet about chakras. Take care
,Fushia Flower
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Thank you so much for the wonderful advice and kindness, Fushia Flower! I love your user name by the way, I love that color!
I recognize so much strength and wisdom in your post and see so much healing there.
This isn't necessarily an easy path to walk, but I really do believe we gain strength from every sadness and loss we ever face. We learn more and understand more with each day. And the truth is, some days are easier than others.
Thank you so much for the information about chakras, I would like to learn more so I will look some things up! I really do believe there is a body/mind/spirit connection, too!
I recognize so much strength and wisdom in your post and see so much healing there.
This isn't necessarily an easy path to walk, but I really do believe we gain strength from every sadness and loss we ever face. We learn more and understand more with each day. And the truth is, some days are easier than others.
Thank you so much for the information about chakras, I would like to learn more so I will look some things up! I really do believe there is a body/mind/spirit connection, too!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there HappyNow, and pleased to "meet" you
dunno about you, but that's a really bad place for me to be; alone with my thoughts.
hmmmm..... seems to me like you have every reason to _be_ sad. Losing our family to this disease, no matter how dysfunctional they are, is a horror. If _all_ you are feeling is sad then I think your recovery is doing fantastically well.
Sounds reasonable.
yup, yup, been there done that.
What helps me is to treat my sadness as plain old grief. First I give myself permission to _feel_ sad, I am human and I am allowed to feel. Then I find something good and posistive about my "family of origin" and I find a way to honor the good part of them.
My biological father was the generic drunk, and pretty much stole my childhood. In addition to that he was a good writer, might have been great if he'd quit drinking. And a passable photographer, hampered by being so plastered he could never get the pictures in focus. As it turns out I have a bit of talent with both so I decided to honor the good side by studying those skills. A few decades later and whadya know, I've turned out to be pretty good at both, have exhibited in galleries, given lectures and actually make a living at it.
Once in a while I still feel that sadness you mention, for what _might_ have been. I feel it, go write a poem or work on a camera, and it passes. When the weather is good I go out for a hike, find something to take a picture of, maybe hang out at a bookstore.
I know what you mean. As a child I dreamed of getting out of the house and I swore that I would grow up to be _different_ than my parents. Took awhile, but I did manage that. And yes, my life today is far and away better than I ever imagined as a child. Ok, so it's not perfect, but the _quality_ of my life and the people I have as friends is beyond anything I could have imagined. My sadness comes from knowing that my biological parents never experienced this serenity and happiness.
Welcome again, HappyNow, I'm glad you decided to join us. Please feel free to post anything you want, sadness or not. That's what we are here for.
Mike
Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow 
...sitting around and having too much time on my hands to think about things. ....
Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow
... I find myself struggling with feelings of sadness in the last few days.....
Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow
... I think I am mourning the loss of this hope.....
Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow
... But I can't seem to help but have this moment of sadness. I'm posting here because I know there are people here who are walking this same path, and at times feeling this same sadness. ....
What helps me is to treat my sadness as plain old grief. First I give myself permission to _feel_ sad, I am human and I am allowed to feel. Then I find something good and posistive about my "family of origin" and I find a way to honor the good part of them.
My biological father was the generic drunk, and pretty much stole my childhood. In addition to that he was a good writer, might have been great if he'd quit drinking. And a passable photographer, hampered by being so plastered he could never get the pictures in focus. As it turns out I have a bit of talent with both so I decided to honor the good side by studying those skills. A few decades later and whadya know, I've turned out to be pretty good at both, have exhibited in galleries, given lectures and actually make a living at it.
Once in a while I still feel that sadness you mention, for what _might_ have been. I feel it, go write a poem or work on a camera, and it passes. When the weather is good I go out for a hike, find something to take a picture of, maybe hang out at a bookstore.
Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow
... I was so miserable growing up in the home I did, that this life now seems like a real miracle to me....
Welcome again, HappyNow, I'm glad you decided to join us. Please feel free to post anything you want, sadness or not. That's what we are here for.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Thank you so much for the warm welcome and the understanding, Mike! I appreciate that you went to the time and effort to help me!
I like your suggestions. I was thinking, I will remember that my brother was a wonderful musician, and had such brilliant comedic wit.
I will remember that my father was a brave soldier and a hard worker.
I like your suggestions. I was thinking, I will remember that my brother was a wonderful musician, and had such brilliant comedic wit.
I will remember that my father was a brave soldier and a hard worker.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
You're both very wise.
Your feelings may be intensified especially at this time of recovery from surgery. I don't know if you also had oophorectomy along with the hysterectomy, but a few years ago I had hyst w both ovaries removed. I understand what the challenges are for recovery from such surgery at the same time being plunged into surgical menopause. It is significantly life-altering in itself. Many other losses and adjustments in addition to grieving your family relationships.
I wish you loving kindness and major doses of TLC. You are not alone....
Your feelings may be intensified especially at this time of recovery from surgery. I don't know if you also had oophorectomy along with the hysterectomy, but a few years ago I had hyst w both ovaries removed. I understand what the challenges are for recovery from such surgery at the same time being plunged into surgical menopause. It is significantly life-altering in itself. Many other losses and adjustments in addition to grieving your family relationships.
I wish you loving kindness and major doses of TLC. You are not alone....
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Thank you so much, Neagrm! I appreciate the welcome and the time and effort you took to reply to my post. Thank you so much for the well wishes!
I also had both ovaries removed. I am 13 days post-op now and I do think surgery falls into the "hungry, angry, lonely, tired" grid somewhere...maybe "tired" is where it fits. I think surgery has made my body tired for the time being even when I sleep well, and that makes me feel more emotional and vulnerable.
I hope that your surgery went well and that you have not had any further health problems since then!
I was thinking, is it only sadness I feel?
In the pursuit of honesty, I'll admit how my internal dialogue has gone.
"Darn it! Why didn't he just stick with the recovery?"
"You know very well addiction is an illness and you have no control over anyone's addictions. Anger is stinking thinking. Let it go."
"Poor him, what an awful thing it is he is going through, isn't there anything I can do to help?"
"You know that detaching is the only action you can take. You know that you are powerless against alcoholism and he has to be the one to seek that help and want it. You have enough issues of your own to deal with. Stop being an ACOA people-pleaser. It is not your job in life to rescue everyone around you."
"I feel sad about this."
"It's okay to feel sad for a time about this. To mourn the loss. But don't stay stuck there long. You have already mourned so many other losses due to alcoholism in your life. Mourn for a bit and then move on, or else the alcoholism wins if you remain stuck in mourning."
Whew! Well, okay, that's about how my internal dialogue goes. I never learned how to stop thoughts from popping up in my head. I only learned how to prevent those thoughts from settling in and taking up residence for long periods of time in my head.
I also had both ovaries removed. I am 13 days post-op now and I do think surgery falls into the "hungry, angry, lonely, tired" grid somewhere...maybe "tired" is where it fits. I think surgery has made my body tired for the time being even when I sleep well, and that makes me feel more emotional and vulnerable.
I hope that your surgery went well and that you have not had any further health problems since then!
I was thinking, is it only sadness I feel?
In the pursuit of honesty, I'll admit how my internal dialogue has gone.
"Darn it! Why didn't he just stick with the recovery?"
"You know very well addiction is an illness and you have no control over anyone's addictions. Anger is stinking thinking. Let it go."
"Poor him, what an awful thing it is he is going through, isn't there anything I can do to help?"
"You know that detaching is the only action you can take. You know that you are powerless against alcoholism and he has to be the one to seek that help and want it. You have enough issues of your own to deal with. Stop being an ACOA people-pleaser. It is not your job in life to rescue everyone around you."
"I feel sad about this."
"It's okay to feel sad for a time about this. To mourn the loss. But don't stay stuck there long. You have already mourned so many other losses due to alcoholism in your life. Mourn for a bit and then move on, or else the alcoholism wins if you remain stuck in mourning."
Whew! Well, okay, that's about how my internal dialogue goes. I never learned how to stop thoughts from popping up in my head. I only learned how to prevent those thoughts from settling in and taking up residence for long periods of time in my head.
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