Challenged over a Family Boundary
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Challenged over a Family Boundary
I set which is I want very little (as in maybe a rare email) with some members of my family (unless they get rid of the fighting/rage/yelling)
and no contact with father and stepmother (did call him on Father's Day and had a 'normal' chat, but even to talk to stepmother to get him on the phone was awful). Now his birthday is coming and a relative suggested just sending a card which I will do. We used to have big family get togethers for these occasions - now nothing.
My email sister is having the worst time with my boundary - she is staying with the sister this summer with whom I have not talked with in a few years - yet she wants a sis relationship with me. I have before heard the 'not talking' sis in the background yelling I am not to be calling there, rules of when to call, if to call - I just stopped that all by setting the boundary of no contact.
If they cannot be with me without all the ACoA drama: who is not speaking to who, who is yelling/raging at who, who is visiting who or not - I just cannot handle all this.
I wrote in a final email I want nothing to do with this idiocy and no contact unless we sisters get help (which I know won't happen).
This sister who wants me to keep up with contact is the one who convinced me to visit my Dad last year on his birthday and we found him there in bed alone (he has health problems) with a streetman answering the door asking us who we were. Stepmom was out shopping with the remaining money she has drained from him.
I called APS and they actually visited several times. I also stopped discussing the situation with my brother after he mentioned stepmom was picking up men from the Salvation Army parking lot and bringing them home to care for dad. APS said this is allowed. Even more bizarre - a streetman moved into the upper suite of bedrooms across from stepmom (she does not share bedroom with my dad - she gave him a cowbell to reach her for anything he needs). Other streetmen have shown up.
Isn't this the whole nature of what we ACoAs go through? My dad, stepmom and sister I email think this is all great - free/low cost help only paying out room and board. We have to all act like it is normal - just like we had to act like it was normal my Mom was always drunk (at least she did not drink when we were kids - only started when we all became older - but still just as painful).
Only my brother thought it was odd and has cut off contact with visiting the house - he also put his foot down when the streetmen started driving a car in his name and racking up toll way tickets (not paying) and parking fines (these go only to owner of the vehicle) - car title was reluctantly transferred out of his name.
Anyway, had blissful weeks/months of none or little phone contact, a few emails but no visits and now my sister wants to start up a sis relationship and plans many visits with my Dad and all the streetmen.
Just writing this and reading it seems almost so bizarre as to be unreal - but that is my family situation right now.
My family was my only social life, my sisters my best friends, we all did get along but that started delapidating a few years ago and we all went our ways after the 'streetmen' incident.
Yes, did end up going to a therapist and she told me only to love them from a distance.
Was working on my life and getting closer with some other people, but did not keep working any steps/program daily that might have prevented my having such an emotional reaction and all the pain, depression and anxiety.
I sounded firm and tough in the email but am not all the time.
My boundaries are just not tested that often.
I have been back on the forum reading and posting and that is helping.
and no contact with father and stepmother (did call him on Father's Day and had a 'normal' chat, but even to talk to stepmother to get him on the phone was awful). Now his birthday is coming and a relative suggested just sending a card which I will do. We used to have big family get togethers for these occasions - now nothing.
My email sister is having the worst time with my boundary - she is staying with the sister this summer with whom I have not talked with in a few years - yet she wants a sis relationship with me. I have before heard the 'not talking' sis in the background yelling I am not to be calling there, rules of when to call, if to call - I just stopped that all by setting the boundary of no contact.
If they cannot be with me without all the ACoA drama: who is not speaking to who, who is yelling/raging at who, who is visiting who or not - I just cannot handle all this.
I wrote in a final email I want nothing to do with this idiocy and no contact unless we sisters get help (which I know won't happen).
This sister who wants me to keep up with contact is the one who convinced me to visit my Dad last year on his birthday and we found him there in bed alone (he has health problems) with a streetman answering the door asking us who we were. Stepmom was out shopping with the remaining money she has drained from him.
I called APS and they actually visited several times. I also stopped discussing the situation with my brother after he mentioned stepmom was picking up men from the Salvation Army parking lot and bringing them home to care for dad. APS said this is allowed. Even more bizarre - a streetman moved into the upper suite of bedrooms across from stepmom (she does not share bedroom with my dad - she gave him a cowbell to reach her for anything he needs). Other streetmen have shown up.
Isn't this the whole nature of what we ACoAs go through? My dad, stepmom and sister I email think this is all great - free/low cost help only paying out room and board. We have to all act like it is normal - just like we had to act like it was normal my Mom was always drunk (at least she did not drink when we were kids - only started when we all became older - but still just as painful).
Only my brother thought it was odd and has cut off contact with visiting the house - he also put his foot down when the streetmen started driving a car in his name and racking up toll way tickets (not paying) and parking fines (these go only to owner of the vehicle) - car title was reluctantly transferred out of his name.
Anyway, had blissful weeks/months of none or little phone contact, a few emails but no visits and now my sister wants to start up a sis relationship and plans many visits with my Dad and all the streetmen.
Just writing this and reading it seems almost so bizarre as to be unreal - but that is my family situation right now.
My family was my only social life, my sisters my best friends, we all did get along but that started delapidating a few years ago and we all went our ways after the 'streetmen' incident.
Yes, did end up going to a therapist and she told me only to love them from a distance.
Was working on my life and getting closer with some other people, but did not keep working any steps/program daily that might have prevented my having such an emotional reaction and all the pain, depression and anxiety.
I sounded firm and tough in the email but am not all the time.
My boundaries are just not tested that often.
I have been back on the forum reading and posting and that is helping.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
How are they challenging you? If their communication a problem, is it abusive and so on? If so, can you block phone numbers and e-mails. Be careful about getting drawn into the discussion. I have found there is no rational discussion over these matters.
[example: my father asks repeatedly why I'm upset and not talking to anyone. I give him a list of specific, abusive things he's done and said over the years. His answer: "That never happened. So why are you mad?" I've had similar discussions with my siblings. Telling me nothing I experience(d) is actually real, so I have no reason to be upset. Or telling me they are upset with me because I didn't do X, Y, and Z, when I clearly remember doing exactly that. There's simply nowhere to go with someone lecturing you to do what you already did, knowing that no matter how many times you do it, they'll still say you didn't.]
Be careful about sending e-mails telling them you want no part of the idiocy. It only feeds the drama and gives them more to talk about. Be polite and civil and brief. Block numbers and e-mails if necessary.
Make new friends outside of your family. It has been so helpful to me to discover that people outside of my family and my mother's influence see me in an entirely different light. Plus of course, I'm not dependent on my family for company and social outlets. I have started to learn something about what normal is, and come to realize how abnormal my family is and to see that I am not the problem.
As to your sister, if you're willing to crack the door and give her a chance, do so. If she doesn't respect boundaries, etc., just stop contact again. Don't talk about it or discuss it with her, just do it. Be unavailable when she calls. Have plans when she wants to do something.
Good luck.
[example: my father asks repeatedly why I'm upset and not talking to anyone. I give him a list of specific, abusive things he's done and said over the years. His answer: "That never happened. So why are you mad?" I've had similar discussions with my siblings. Telling me nothing I experience(d) is actually real, so I have no reason to be upset. Or telling me they are upset with me because I didn't do X, Y, and Z, when I clearly remember doing exactly that. There's simply nowhere to go with someone lecturing you to do what you already did, knowing that no matter how many times you do it, they'll still say you didn't.]
Be careful about sending e-mails telling them you want no part of the idiocy. It only feeds the drama and gives them more to talk about. Be polite and civil and brief. Block numbers and e-mails if necessary.
Make new friends outside of your family. It has been so helpful to me to discover that people outside of my family and my mother's influence see me in an entirely different light. Plus of course, I'm not dependent on my family for company and social outlets. I have started to learn something about what normal is, and come to realize how abnormal my family is and to see that I am not the problem.
As to your sister, if you're willing to crack the door and give her a chance, do so. If she doesn't respect boundaries, etc., just stop contact again. Don't talk about it or discuss it with her, just do it. Be unavailable when she calls. Have plans when she wants to do something.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by EveningRose 
Be careful about sending e-mails telling them you want no part of the idiocy. It only feeds the drama and gives them more to talk about. Be polite and civil and brief. Block numbers and e-mails if necessary.
With my family, at a certain point, I realized, "What's the penalty for noncompliance with the stupid sh*t they want me to do?" Well, the penalty was zippo -- so I just don't answer their calls, for the most part, and if they want to talk among themselves... well, they can talk among themselves -- fine!
T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Thank you for all the advice. And correct - I was blamed for having so much anger at the world. There is no discussing this stuff with them.
When I read what I wrote it was just so unreal my family of origin would become such a bizarre situation.
I do apologize if I sounded as coming on tough about street people. We had asked for this man's/men full names to check if they had a record. My father refused to give them to me. I would have gone over if it was a petty crime, but did not feel safe if I did not know their backgrounds - then when one moved into the bedroom suite opposite the young stepmother - was just beyond a tolerable situation.
They never gave to any charities that helped the homeless nor did any volunteer work - they are doing this for free/very low cost, room and board help - and speculation about the suite situation is best left alone.
The break off with my dad/stepmom was a hard accomplishment. You cannot block calls that would go to my husband's office which she would resort doing as our phone went unanswered.
She did get through on my email a few times.
I finally, after calling APS and being told by APS I could do so, threatened to call the police on them (for a safety check on my dad).
That stopped all attempts at contact.
Very easy to detach with No Contact.
Realized how hard it is when someone wants in person contact (the visiting sis) and I set the boundary.
And she emailed back that she would not contact me soon after making the original post.
Now after a few days, am not as upset over it all, back to forgetting and detaching.
I am still going to do daily work on this as it is surprising how they can just come up and make one remember the horrible situation.
Was not prepared for that.
Also, have been busy this weekend getting out and joining some groups of people. Having a dysfunctional family as your only social outlet was a mistake. Need to be around normal people. Thanks for pointing that out.
When I read what I wrote it was just so unreal my family of origin would become such a bizarre situation.
I do apologize if I sounded as coming on tough about street people. We had asked for this man's/men full names to check if they had a record. My father refused to give them to me. I would have gone over if it was a petty crime, but did not feel safe if I did not know their backgrounds - then when one moved into the bedroom suite opposite the young stepmother - was just beyond a tolerable situation.
They never gave to any charities that helped the homeless nor did any volunteer work - they are doing this for free/very low cost, room and board help - and speculation about the suite situation is best left alone.
The break off with my dad/stepmom was a hard accomplishment. You cannot block calls that would go to my husband's office which she would resort doing as our phone went unanswered.
She did get through on my email a few times.
I finally, after calling APS and being told by APS I could do so, threatened to call the police on them (for a safety check on my dad).
That stopped all attempts at contact.
Very easy to detach with No Contact.
Realized how hard it is when someone wants in person contact (the visiting sis) and I set the boundary.
And she emailed back that she would not contact me soon after making the original post.
Now after a few days, am not as upset over it all, back to forgetting and detaching.
I am still going to do daily work on this as it is surprising how they can just come up and make one remember the horrible situation.
Was not prepared for that.
Also, have been busy this weekend getting out and joining some groups of people. Having a dysfunctional family as your only social outlet was a mistake. Need to be around normal people. Thanks for pointing that out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by MMkM
Having a dysfunctional family as your only social outlet was a mistake. Need to be around normal people. Thanks for pointing that out.
Since pulling away from them, my friends have felt freer to tell me that my dad always creeped them out, from the time we were in high school. Telilng, isn't it? There were incidents like my dad climbing a ladder in nothing but his bath towel, with a few 20-something girls in the room and laughing it off and denying it when my sister said, "Hey Dad, get down, we can see everything." With detachment and distance, I'm able to see more clearly how perverted this is, which tells me yet again the problem was never me.
We need normal in our lives.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
