LeadHatter

back to my dad how he ruled like a tyrant.

EveningRose

Kevin, I, too, have come to see how much of my current feelings, thoughts, etc, is due to a father who ruled like a tyrant. It really strikes a chord with me when I read that ACOA's often fear authority figures. I still get an unpleasant feeling in my stomach every time my boss calls. I've been working for her for almost 8 years, and her calls are invariably good news, positives, compliments, etc.

I realize how I try to keep the peace, be the one to shrug things off, etc. is a result of constantly being railed on, told I was wrong, I screwed up again, no wonder people didn't like me, what did I expect, and so forth. Of course I was always trying to fix every relationship because I grew up hearing that I was always the problem.

It was a bit of an eye-opener to me when I told an older friend how my dad threw me on a bed and tried to choke me (I was 23) and she said, "He's a tyrant." I said, "Sort of." She said, "Someone who throws his daughter on a bed and chokes her IS a tyrant. There's no sort of."

She's right. Especially when I consider what he was so angry about.

Bit by bit, we recognize it and learn to overcome it.

LeadHatter

Thanks i have a book on Adult Children of Alcoholics right now. Its got some good bits in it like it talks about a ACA 'camp' for example but i got to a bit where it says something like 'self respect' im not sure you understood as a child you had a self.

EveningRose

Interestingly, I have been facing this question in recent years. I think I was blessed, thank GOD (and I mean that, it's not just an empty expression) with a strong sense of self. Because even now, in my 40's, my mother is telling people exactly who I am and why I do what I do and what I think and what"s happening in my life. She doesn't actually need any input from me to know these things. In fact, she hasn't spoken to me in 3 years (or is it that I haven't spoken to her?) and she still knows my heart, my mind, my soul, my every thought and motive.

As a child, she certainly did tell me exactly why I really did things and what i really thought. So did my dad (who is the alcholic.)

Despite having started with a strong sense of self, it's taken me a long journey to start to believe that I really do know my own heart and what I was really thinking. I have always wondered if I really have some ulterior motive so secret I don't even recognize it myself. But finally, I'm seeing the sickness of them telling me what I really thought.

LeadHatter

Thanks Evening. With a a little bit of encouragement i got from your reply i read some more of my adult child of alcoholics book. Its pretty interesting stuff. its written by janet geringer woititz.

Ive just read a bit about the mixed messages dysfunctional parents give. In fact when i got to a bit where it says the addict parent was clearly trying to get points for intent and not behavior i had to laugh out loud irl. Just like my father. Grandiose statements of intent but little follow through.

I'm so glad im not alone any longer in this. Good

EveningRose

Isn't the internet wonderful that we can help each other! I haven't read any books, but did go to meetings for 6 months and it made a world of difference. So did finding the chart on family roles in alcoholic families. I had been told for years by my mother, in a disdainful tone, that I was imaginging things and no one was 'out to get me,' and yet somehow, when I finally saw it in black and white--second child is often the scapegoat--I finally understood if I'd been seeing it since junior high or even earlier, and experts recognize the pattern, then no, I'm not imagining it. (My dad has gone so far as to blame me for his marital problems, when the truth is, physical and verbal abuse of my mother caused his marital problems.)

I see the mixed messages in my AF. He always told me I could be and do anything I set my mind to. And yet...somehow...he was always there fixing everything for me and dangling money, replacing our car when someone totaled it, big checks at Christmas, doing lots of home repairs, etc., and what his actions taught me was that, despite leaving home at 18, despite a masters degree, I'm still dependent on him. I put up with more crap than I otherwise would have because of $.

It was a big step for me to finally refuse to step foot in his house one year, knowing 1) he would force me to sit through an ugly lecture, endless on how I've supposedly caused trouble in this family, and all my problems (yeah, in my 40's and this is how he stil treats me and he can't see the problem) and 2) he would withhold the $ if I didn't go.

It cost me nearly $1,000 to skip the lecture. I found out I never even missed that money. I have a good job. I spend frugally anyway. I don't have a lot of wants. To this day, I'm happy I chose self respect over money.

It cost $300 next time there was a plumbing repair. Guess what. I found out that it's possible for men to do plumbing without swearing at my children and shouting at me to run and get this and that and making faces of disgust when I bring the wrong wrench size. Once again, peace of mind and being treated with respect turned out to be worth more than the money.

More importantly, I have started to learn that I can take care of myself. I have grown to have a great deal more confidence and belief in myself. And it has given me the strength (by walking away from my family's abusive behavior) to draw the line with equally unacceptable things from my husband.

I'm happier than I've been in years. Probably ever.

LeadHatter

I returned around $100 recently that my mum and dad put into my account. not worth it.

i also find i am happier

LeadHatter

Thanks Luv for your kind response Only recently have i discovered that its ok to defend my boundaries by telling people how i feel.:> I wish you well Luv