LeadHatter

Luv im sorry you had the grief tornado in your finance :/ Sounds hard. Very hard. Good you able to look back and laugh though, your using i think, what some people i know would call 'dark humor', in your writing style to me talking about your truck etc, and overuse of the word freaking We have to laugh don't we. Well done you at lteast your laughing about it. I'm sure it was hard though. i'm not diminishing it at all though and it probably will still be with you right. The memories and all-although these can be worked out i think. The how is another matter but ...

DollyDoo:

Love it i agree

Im still trying to 'take on board' the rest of your post i will reply later perhaps :>

dollydo

Yes, LuvIn, I am saying exactly that, replace your old thoughts with new positive ones.

This will sound strange, however, many elderly people will themselves to die. They feed the thought that they are dying to their subconcious mind, the subconcious mind ends up believing the thought, the body shuts down, they die. Your heart beats because the subconcious mind tells it to. The subconcious mind is a powerful tool, use it to your advantage.

Right now I am trying to lose some weight, so every night I feed my subconcious mind that I will follow my diet schedule, that thought is still a work in progress, but, I am making headway, I am no longer snacking, yet still missing those potato chips.

I will get there and so will you!

LeadHatter

Dollydoo would you be willing to give an example of what you mean when you said this :

I mean is it like chanting 'i believe i can find a new job' or something if you have a believe that says its gonna be near impossible to get a new job is it? that sort of thing

real interesting anyhow. when im focusing on this now i am atleast uncovering what my internal beliefs are. cool. only reply if you have the time its fine really. best wishes dollydoo kevin

dollydo

Simple thoughts like, I will no longer fear_______, I am a strong ______will no longer affect me, I will stop doing______. I will no longer engage______.

It is about addressing your every day struggles. Ask your self, where does negativity play a role in my life and what can I do to change the negatives into positives.

It is not a chant, it is a clear and concise statement. When your subconcious mind accepts the thought, it will convey it to your concious mind and the negative thought will be gone, you might not even realize it at first, all of a sudden it will hit you...Wow that negative has disappeared from my life.

dollydo

I should add that if you are looking for a new job you can feed that thought also, it would be more like: I am worthy, I will secure a new job...it is all about believing in yourself. Believing that you can overcome any challenge that life sends your way.

LuvIn brings up his negativity in the phase "I am a punching bag" he believes that and thus he gravitates to people who will fufill this negative thought. He is not doing this with intent, his subconcious mind believes it and thus his concious mind acts on it. He can change this and I feel he is seeking out the answers to resolve this negative mindset.

You both are heading in the right direction and that my friends is: A Positive!

LeadHatter

GingerM thanks for your message of ESH

I do find it fascinating [grimly perhaps but fascinating none the less] that someone can be ACA owing to their grandparents but i accept the premise.

Bewildering is how it feels to me yes. I left my chaos behind at 18 for london but when that didnt work out as intended my parents performed a major codependent rescue on me at age 25 and i ended up back at the family home at 25. Not good.

As you can see from my signature [if you want to look] you can see that i am 5 months sober [which for me means alcohol]. about six weeks into my sober time from the evils of ale i discovered i am codependent. I was hoping to 'fix myself' in a month from it. :| Actually its only the last week or two that i have truly accepted yes im codependent and yes this is going to be like this for atleast a little while longer [assumbing im already 4 months into a codie recovery].

I am tooling up daily but year bewildering yes, and some. As for stopping what kills you first first, fine, im not drinking, but why i cant do a codie, and aca, at the same time as not drink-i dont see why not. cocky?

I see what you mean about no ultimate ok im done but for real it must get progressively easier!?

LeadHatter

LuvInDaisy i enjoyed your video thanks

tromboneliness

My Dad apparently felt this way. "If I say I'm ready to die, I'll die," he'd say. So he never came to terms, in any perceptible way, with his mortality. He kept fighting the idea of death until the end -- hoping, I guess, to live forever.

And you know what? He still died.

T

dollydo

LuvIn,

"Today I refuse to go back to my old ways. I refuse to be the victim of alcoholism. It's a concious decision I make everyday."

Wonderful positive affermation! Hold that thought, don't let it go!

GingerM

The codie behaviors/mental maps are different than the ACoA ones. Similar, but different. And the tools that you're using that make you Codie aren't the same as the ones you're using that cause the ACoA traits.

Let's say your car needs and oil change and your bedroom needs repainting. Are you going to try to do both simultaneously? Or will you do one first, then the other? It's more difficult to conceptualize because this is going on largely at a sub-conscious level and because it's not tangible, but it's similar to the above analogy.

This is why it's best to address one thing at a time. I would suggest you start with the Codie behaviors as they will keep you hooked into the crazy that is your family. Once you can get a little emotional distance from your family, you can work on the ACoA stuff better. You can do it the other way 'round, but I think it would be more difficult.

It does get easier over time, it really does. When you start finding peace in your life, the parts that aren't peaceful begin to really stand out. Finding the things that need work becomes easier. You have more tools, so you have more options in how to deal with things as they come up - you're less likely to use the not-so-useful tools. The more peaceful your life becomes, the more the crazy becomes visible to you. One day you interact with your parents and a flash of insight pops into your mind, and you think "My God! I used to think this was NORMAL???"

As for grandparents, allow me to clarify: both of my Parents are active alcoholics. All of my parents parents were alcoholics/addicts. In other words, my parents are both alcoholics and adult children (with no recovery in either avenue). Like a warped inheritance, it passes from one generation to the next. I don't want the inheritance.

LeadHatter

i will

tabfan

Life does get easier the more time we are in recovery. ANY kind of 12-Step program will do, in my opinion.

I like reading what y'all have to say in this subject. Fascinating! It's made for some good lunchtime reading!

I started life in an alcoholic home. Both parents were alcoholic. They tell me my mother never used in the beginning of their marriage, but apparently I was too young to remember that. I guess she just thought it was "easier to join them then to try to change them!" (Meaning my father and his friends/family) I grew-up in chaos. There were times of some structure during 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th grade, and 8th when I went to live with a foster family, although they weren't too terribly healthy either. There wasn't any physical abuse though so that was one good thing about leaving behind my family of origin.

Of course, my parents loved me the best way they knew how. One of the things they did was send me to foster care. I don't they they were proud of that, but they must have done it for my benefit. They may have just been getting out of parenthood, but I doubt it. They had eight children and any help they could get was appreciated, I'm sure.

I was sent away from my family. Always felt lonely. The foster family that kept me provided the basics, but weren't always as kind as they could be, but I appreciate what they did nonetheless.

My parents got me away from an INSANE lifestyle. But, at what cost? I was lonely. I was alone.


I started my recovery at the age of 25 in 1985. A friend of mine told me about "A.C.O.A." meetings every Thursday night in our little town. I started going to them meetings first. It wasn't until a year later that I went to treatment for drugs and alcohol. But, ACOA was my first real family. I was always love them for being there for me when I could not even be there for myself.

Fast forward 25 years. No alcohol, no drugs. Found out I was severely (clinically) depressed since I was born. I got on medication when I was 27. Lots has happened since then and now. Mostly it's my own choosing. I tended to hang-out with others who were like my family of origin. It was the kind of people who I was attracted to. Insane, but familiar.

It's taken time. Good times still come and go. Life is not always fun & exciting. Sometimes it's downright boring. But, I have a good life. I have been at my present job since 1983. I am ready to make a change. Talk about "scared to make a change"! That was me but "progress not perfection".

tabfan

kevinlednylon,

And, I agree with LuvInDaisy: You are doing GREAT by addressing your most prevalent addictions first. It's sort of like saying: "We can't help a drunk who is bleeding to death after they got hit by a car unless we FIRST stop the bleeding!" Their most prominent NEEDS need to be tended to FIRST. If they need medical attention, we get them medical attention. Then, after their physical condition stabilizes, then maybe they will be able to listen to what we have to say.........

I came into the program through ACOA. It was a God-send! I still remember the day my friend told me about it. I remember where I was. I remember what time of year it was. I was skeptical, but I thought it couldn't hurt. THAT was an understatement: It was the beginning of the light / brightness in my life!

My first counselor used to say: "Awareness is the first step". If we are aware there IS A PROBLEM, we are on the right path. Even if we can't do anything about our situation right now, at least we are AWARE that we are in a place that we don't want to be. We want to change and that is the beginning of something good/positive.

My personal affirmation is: "I owe it to myself to take ALL the time I need to recover." I picked it out of a list of about fifty affirmations the first time I went to Treatment. It has stuck with me ever since.

In my first ACOA group, we used to tell each other: "It took us over twenty years (or however old we were when we started the recovery process) to get here to this place we now find ourselves in, so it only stands to reason that we should allow ourselves at least THAT much time to recover!

LeadHatter

tabfan

GREAT common sense there. Thanks for the compliment also. Alcohol is killing me the fastest. Right now though i feel lonely and this is going to cause me difficulties if i dont address it. Problems in my CODA could be

Great that your so positive. I have my skeptical days too.

I owe it to myself to give me all the time i need to recover thanks wow lovinit

Golly. I intend to goto my THIRD ever AA soon. I dont know how familiar you are WITH AA [if at all] but its a STEP meeting which i am unclear on.

Im jolly new to ACA-i will get there i guess.

Right now its as much as i can do to come here listen and post and not do anything stupid like go to my parents for help and compromise my life and boundaries

flutter

I'm curious about the original question on this post.. and I'm sorry if this is a really stupid question.. but doesn't having an alcoholic parent, and being an adult mean that you're an Adult Child of an Alcoholic? And isn't that an either yes or no? Or am I totally missing something that there's people with alcoholic parents that aren't considered children of alcoholic parents?

What's the piece I'm missing?

flutter

Thanks, luv..

I don't think I asked my question very clearly
I know about alcoholism, I'm an alcoholic, sober for 2.5 years.
I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, so technically I would be an adult child of alcoholics..
My question was more about the original post, that is seems some people that have parents for alcoholics don't identify as "ACOA", when to me it's pretty black and white... either your parent(s) are/were alcoholics or they aren't... or is it not that simple? Are there other qualifying issues that would label someone "ACOA" other than merely having alcoholic parents..?

LeadHatter

Luv:

I abused alcohol for 16 years how would i know if i have caused brain damage

tromboneliness

The book's subtitle talks about "Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families." That pretty much covers it.

Run down the Laundry List™ and see how many apply to you. If it's more than a couple-three of 'em, you qualify!

T

booksnlattes

Flutter~ I understand your confusion. Basically, people who identify themselves as ACAs and seek recovery through a program are admitting that they are "adults" who came from alcoholic homes, but are still using the coping mechanisms they used as "children" due to the dysfunction. So, what worked in childhood... whatever tools the child developed to survive the alcoholic home... have been carried over into adulthood. And what worked in childhood to manage dealing in an alcoholic environment no longer works the same way.

So, yes, all adults who grew up in alcoholic homes are technically adult children of alcoholics, but those who identify as part of the ACA "club" are saying that they have been negatively affected in such a way that they are compromised as adults.

I suppose there COULD be someone out there who grew up in an alcoholic home and came out unscathed, but that would be rare to say the least.

Read through the Laundry List. Those traits are the dysfunctional tendencies a typical ACA has carried into adulthood because of the way they were raised. Some identify with a couple; some with all of them.

Also, a person may identify with the Laundry List even if their parents didn't drink. For example, if the grandparents were alcoholics, then your mom or dad (unless they sought treatment) would likely pass along the dysfunction through their own parenting styles.

Frankly, there are a ton of ACAs walking around, carrying the baggage of their pasts, without realizing it.

In brief, to answer your question, yes, the way you see the question as black and white is true... but falls somewhat short in that the question is more about asking if the person identifies with the Laundry List characteristics recognized by ACA and thereby admits or recognizes that their adult lives have been compromised as a result of being raised in an alcoholic environment.

I hope I didn't confuse you more!