Guilt over leaving one group for another

Old 05-30-2011, 08:19 AM
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Guilt over leaving one group for another

I know we don't give advice, so I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience. I started the recovery journey in a particular family 12 step group because my child is an alcoholic/addict. It helped greatly, but it also helped me see that my issues are so much deeper than just dealing with my son. I realize now that I am ACA, and I found a face-to-face ACA group. It's like finding the answers to all my problems in one place. Everything about it is me.

The problem is that due to my schedule and having a home and family to consider, I can't be gone multiple nights a week to go to my different groups. I NEED the ACA group, but I'm considered a valuable member of the other family group I started with. When I've talked with a few people about needing to choose one place to go for recovery, they make me feel guilty about leaving the family group. They talk about needing to give back to the newcomers and how my growth and experience is important there.

But I feel like the family group was just the first step toward me finding ACA, and I just can't, and don't want, to do two groups. I have four kids at home and the evenings are hectic.

Has anyone else experienced wanting to leave a group or committee or something like that, and being made to feel guilty or wrong or selfish about doing so?

I'm torn, and this guilt and sense or responsibility to stay where I started is hindering my recovery, not helping it.
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Old 05-30-2011, 02:04 PM
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I have a home group that I come and go from as I can. People come and go from these meetings all the time. You say that you are being made to feel guilty.....is that coming from someone in your group or from yourself?

Remember, we are all responsible for taking care of ourselves, and that includes the others in your group. If they are pressuring you for any reason, then it is probably not a good group dynamic to begin with.

Take good care of yourself, go to the meeting that benefits you the most.

Hugs, HG
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Old 05-30-2011, 02:55 PM
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I think you've answered your own question.

Recovery is an evolution. And, if you move on, the door will always be open to you; doesn't necessarily mean it is goodbye permanently....
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:41 AM
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Originally Posted by booksnlattes View Post
I know we don't give advice...
I'm torn, and this guilt and sense or responsibility to stay where I started is hindering my recovery, not helping it.
Says who we don't give advice?

There is absolutely, positively no need to feel any guilt or sense of responsibility whatsoever. I've been in Al-Anon groups that folded -- it happens. Groups grow, groups shrink, groups get started, groups fizzle out.

[ADVICE]Go to the meeting you need. Don't worry about the other one. They'll either sink or swim based on what the members do -- it's not all about you, anyway... remember?[/ADVICE]

T
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Old 05-31-2011, 06:04 AM
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How much good do you do for your current group if you aren't able to meet your own needs? (answer: not as much as you could do if you made sure to meet your own needs).

While giving back is a great idea, when time is limited, sacrifices must be made. Do you sacrifice yourself, or do you assume that the people in the group will continue to go on without you just as they did before you joined? (answer: they will continue on just as they did before you joined)

Take care of you first. The rest will fall into place.

(I'm not in a program of any sort - I can give whatever advice I feel like. And you are welcome to consider or ignore whatever advice I give)
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:15 AM
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This helps

Thank you, everyone. This is so true... how much good can I be to one group if I'm not strong with my core issues? It's like I started the 12 Step process because of my son, but then I discovered that was just the tip of the iceberg. His problems, and the way I was affected by his behaviors, opened the door to my own recovery (Al Anon, Nar Anon, Families Anonymous). But then I realized that my issues with him are just symptomatic of something so much bigger that have to do with my being an Adult Child.

I need different experience and wisdom, now. I need to hear and learn from other Adult Children, not just other parents dealing with their kids' addictions. The Laundry List that goes with being an Adult Child affects your entire life.

But I've always struggled with feeling obligated to help everywhere and anywhere that I can... which pretty much makes you a useless lump after so long. :/ But that stupid sick part of me just keeps spreading myself too thin.

But that's one of our problems, isn't it? Staying busy in other people's stuff keeps us from dealing with our own.

Ugh. Thanx for the insights!
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