Retired mom alcoholic & Oxy
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Retired mom alcoholic & Oxy
Hey guys, first-time poster here. I’m a 27-year-old son of a drinking alcoholic & oxycodone-addicted mother, and just wanted to tell my story and see what you have to think.
My mother did cocaine and other drugs while pregnant with my sister and I (god thank we turned out okay!). When we were too little to remember she OD’d on heroin in our bathroom. My father says there was blood on the ceiling from her missing a vein or something. She went to the ER, the doctors were all about to pronounce her dead, and she suddenly snapped out of it and came to in front of many family members who were present there.
After that, she was sober for over two decades as we grew up… Not a single drink, pill, needle – nothing.
And then us kids moved out. She, along with my father, both moved to Florida to live a life in retirement & sunshine, playing tennis and golf as much as possible, go boating, socializing with the community members every so often – that sort of community, you know the drill. My mother was a champion tennis player and was made captain of the team down there, and put in charge of community charity events and other such things. This was about 6 years ago, and every since, she’s been on a downward spiral again and none of us know where the bottom will be.
It all started with a single Smirnoff Ice a day for her. “Whoa, you won’t believe it, mom’s drinking! Cool!” Ugh. We didn’t know WHY she had been sober 20-years then. Then she sneak-drank an entire whiskey bottle and allowed my dad to blame me while she stood there silent, only to confess later on and clear me.
Then she got a hold of the oxy’s. She started to doze off in front of company, and then began going to bed at around 4pm for years. “I’m in pain,” she’d say. “I’m tired.” We let those two phrases go for years, but my dad knew what was up. Then came the lockboxes that dispensed her pills out at certain times automatically for “her pain.” Because she was abusing and it only dispensed prescribed doses, we began to notice screwdriver marks and busted locks on all of the containers my dad would administer her lockbox-pills out of.
Seriously, we have 8 lockable containers all with screwdriver markings, some busted some not.
By this time my sister and I knew about her addiction and drinking, but we could still do nothing because her greatest excuse in the world came up: she needed a brand new knee. Her surgery was schedule months away, so before then she had every excuse to OD herself on oxy every day and drink and get high.
Then she had the surgery, and my memories of her in the bed consist mainly of her coming to, leaning forward, and upping her morphine dosage with the little button she had, or requesting more from the nurse, saying that maxing it out with the button wasn’t enough and that she was “in pain” even though she couldn’t form sentences.
After that, she spent the next 4 months bottoming out, not rehabbing her knee properly, and agreed to go to a 1-month detox clinic.
6 months later, here we are. I just got back from visiting for Spring Break. She looked like death. My dad and I found out that she had somehow filled scripts for 150 oxycontin from the same doctor one hour a way, on the same day, in two different pill types the day before I arrived… My dad says that everyone in the community asks what’s wrong with her, what happened to her, etc. They went out to dinner and she fell asleep in the food in front of 6 guests and they all got up and left.
The following day, she says, “No, they all thought I was fine, what are you talking about?”
Then when I had dinner with her the next day, she dropped her plate all over herself and denied it.
My father has been dealing with this for 6 years and she always denies it, calls him crazy, and just goes away and ignores him – she shuts him off, and she’s won. He’s lost. She clearly hates him and is only tolerating his presence in her life. All he can do is live his life, encourage her to go out, and that’s it – if he tries to police her, his life is a living hell. This is where my visit comes in.
For the first 5 days, I spent all my time with my father, because she would do nothing with us.
-She can’t form proper sentences, and she’s clearly not taking care of herself or brushing her teeth – she looks disheveled and sloppy.
-She confuses people when talking, and doesn’t make sense. She acts like a crazy bag lady. She slurrs things like, "Well I'MA GONNA GO and smoke a cigarette...so let's not fvck around!" I don't know what this means. It was 9:30am.
-She gets looks of alarm from register cashiers, adults whisper about her, and children point and stare in public.
-She nods out in strange, contorted ways while riding the oxy high, sometimes for two minutes – I can stand right next to her staring and she’s just standing there, with an arm out, eyes closed, slightly nodding back and forth in bliss.
-She sits by the outside wall of our house outside, smoking cigarettes, drinking, and riding her high – we never see her at home even though she’s “home.”
-She tried to play golf with us, and at one point she was standing in this weird backward-limbo posture (like she was trying to limbo under an invisible limbo stick) and chewing on a dirty tee.
Apparently, she invited me down here and paid for my ticket to hopefully put on a charade of being “okay,” or hoped that I would not confront her (we never have) so that when I left to go back up North, she could have more ammo against my father: “See? HE thinks I’m okay!”
Well I said to hell with that, I stood her in the kitchen one morning and reprimanded her for 20-minutes, and she didn’t say a thing.
“You’re so completely obviously fvcked up and riding a high all day long – are you aware that people in public point and stare at you?”
“Hrmmm…” she manages.
“All I see is you going around the house with a bottle of wine and walking with your eyes closed and getting fvcked up – are you interested in spending time with me?”
“Well, I love you… …” she says.
That night, she spilled her food all over herself. The next day, I asked her to measure 8 cups into a bowl and she could hardly do it. Then she fell asleep in the food I had cooked.
The following day, I told her if she was still acting high and crazy when she came up for our family reunion on July 4th, “there’d be a different kind of fireworks” from the other members of the family. She tried to crack a joke, "Well maybe I shouldn't go then, haha." This is an especially significant thing to point out to her, as my cousin just died of an Oxy overdose only a few months ago (she wouldn't attend the funeral) and her sister (my aunt) is in a very bad state right now.
That night my dad and I were out golfing, enjoying food without her, and cracking jokes. He said, “good to have you here, it’s good having someone to talk to and spend time with” and my eyes welled up.
So here I am, back up North, having just come from Florida. I hope and pray that things will be getting better, and that she turns herself around – my hopes aren’t very high though.
Any thoughts or suggestions? I'm not going to let myself obsess over this - because I know there's nothing I can do than just call her out for being high whenever I see her, which isn't too often.
My mother did cocaine and other drugs while pregnant with my sister and I (god thank we turned out okay!). When we were too little to remember she OD’d on heroin in our bathroom. My father says there was blood on the ceiling from her missing a vein or something. She went to the ER, the doctors were all about to pronounce her dead, and she suddenly snapped out of it and came to in front of many family members who were present there.
After that, she was sober for over two decades as we grew up… Not a single drink, pill, needle – nothing.
And then us kids moved out. She, along with my father, both moved to Florida to live a life in retirement & sunshine, playing tennis and golf as much as possible, go boating, socializing with the community members every so often – that sort of community, you know the drill. My mother was a champion tennis player and was made captain of the team down there, and put in charge of community charity events and other such things. This was about 6 years ago, and every since, she’s been on a downward spiral again and none of us know where the bottom will be.
It all started with a single Smirnoff Ice a day for her. “Whoa, you won’t believe it, mom’s drinking! Cool!” Ugh. We didn’t know WHY she had been sober 20-years then. Then she sneak-drank an entire whiskey bottle and allowed my dad to blame me while she stood there silent, only to confess later on and clear me.
Then she got a hold of the oxy’s. She started to doze off in front of company, and then began going to bed at around 4pm for years. “I’m in pain,” she’d say. “I’m tired.” We let those two phrases go for years, but my dad knew what was up. Then came the lockboxes that dispensed her pills out at certain times automatically for “her pain.” Because she was abusing and it only dispensed prescribed doses, we began to notice screwdriver marks and busted locks on all of the containers my dad would administer her lockbox-pills out of.
Seriously, we have 8 lockable containers all with screwdriver markings, some busted some not.
By this time my sister and I knew about her addiction and drinking, but we could still do nothing because her greatest excuse in the world came up: she needed a brand new knee. Her surgery was schedule months away, so before then she had every excuse to OD herself on oxy every day and drink and get high.
Then she had the surgery, and my memories of her in the bed consist mainly of her coming to, leaning forward, and upping her morphine dosage with the little button she had, or requesting more from the nurse, saying that maxing it out with the button wasn’t enough and that she was “in pain” even though she couldn’t form sentences.
After that, she spent the next 4 months bottoming out, not rehabbing her knee properly, and agreed to go to a 1-month detox clinic.
6 months later, here we are. I just got back from visiting for Spring Break. She looked like death. My dad and I found out that she had somehow filled scripts for 150 oxycontin from the same doctor one hour a way, on the same day, in two different pill types the day before I arrived… My dad says that everyone in the community asks what’s wrong with her, what happened to her, etc. They went out to dinner and she fell asleep in the food in front of 6 guests and they all got up and left.
The following day, she says, “No, they all thought I was fine, what are you talking about?”
Then when I had dinner with her the next day, she dropped her plate all over herself and denied it.
My father has been dealing with this for 6 years and she always denies it, calls him crazy, and just goes away and ignores him – she shuts him off, and she’s won. He’s lost. She clearly hates him and is only tolerating his presence in her life. All he can do is live his life, encourage her to go out, and that’s it – if he tries to police her, his life is a living hell. This is where my visit comes in.
For the first 5 days, I spent all my time with my father, because she would do nothing with us.
-She can’t form proper sentences, and she’s clearly not taking care of herself or brushing her teeth – she looks disheveled and sloppy.
-She confuses people when talking, and doesn’t make sense. She acts like a crazy bag lady. She slurrs things like, "Well I'MA GONNA GO and smoke a cigarette...so let's not fvck around!" I don't know what this means. It was 9:30am.
-She gets looks of alarm from register cashiers, adults whisper about her, and children point and stare in public.
-She nods out in strange, contorted ways while riding the oxy high, sometimes for two minutes – I can stand right next to her staring and she’s just standing there, with an arm out, eyes closed, slightly nodding back and forth in bliss.
-She sits by the outside wall of our house outside, smoking cigarettes, drinking, and riding her high – we never see her at home even though she’s “home.”
-She tried to play golf with us, and at one point she was standing in this weird backward-limbo posture (like she was trying to limbo under an invisible limbo stick) and chewing on a dirty tee.
Apparently, she invited me down here and paid for my ticket to hopefully put on a charade of being “okay,” or hoped that I would not confront her (we never have) so that when I left to go back up North, she could have more ammo against my father: “See? HE thinks I’m okay!”
Well I said to hell with that, I stood her in the kitchen one morning and reprimanded her for 20-minutes, and she didn’t say a thing.
“You’re so completely obviously fvcked up and riding a high all day long – are you aware that people in public point and stare at you?”
“Hrmmm…” she manages.
“All I see is you going around the house with a bottle of wine and walking with your eyes closed and getting fvcked up – are you interested in spending time with me?”
“Well, I love you… …” she says.
That night, she spilled her food all over herself. The next day, I asked her to measure 8 cups into a bowl and she could hardly do it. Then she fell asleep in the food I had cooked.
The following day, I told her if she was still acting high and crazy when she came up for our family reunion on July 4th, “there’d be a different kind of fireworks” from the other members of the family. She tried to crack a joke, "Well maybe I shouldn't go then, haha." This is an especially significant thing to point out to her, as my cousin just died of an Oxy overdose only a few months ago (she wouldn't attend the funeral) and her sister (my aunt) is in a very bad state right now.
That night my dad and I were out golfing, enjoying food without her, and cracking jokes. He said, “good to have you here, it’s good having someone to talk to and spend time with” and my eyes welled up.
So here I am, back up North, having just come from Florida. I hope and pray that things will be getting better, and that she turns herself around – my hopes aren’t very high though.
Any thoughts or suggestions? I'm not going to let myself obsess over this - because I know there's nothing I can do than just call her out for being high whenever I see her, which isn't too often.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Sounds exactly like my mother, except she tries he best to hide the bottles. From my experience dealing with this i would say don't keep your hopes to high for the 4th, I know I'm not.
With my mom she is in and out of the hospital because everyday when my father gets home from work she is unable to walk or stand up. The paramedics come to the house at least twice a month but now more like twice a week.
She falls over into things and falls over period. She throws her things all over the house looking for that one last pill she knows she hid somewhere just can't remember where. Last week my dad caught her on camera placing her paperwork in the stove! Shes gonna burn the house down and the hospital and police say there is nothing they can do to make her stop. My dad is at risk of losing his job because he has to leave all the time to check on her.
With this last time she fell over so many times she has bruises up and down her entire body. She told the hospital my dad did this to her when he has her recorded for 20 minutes falling over and knocking cabinets over, and not being able to talk or stand up at all. The hospital said that they would only release her to me because HE IS A THREAT!!!! I told them to keep her! I have a 5 year old an almost 2 year old and am 7 months pregnant, i don't need that in my house.
My son tells me everyday he misses his grandmother, and why can't he see her. He has started saying I want to go to grandpas house and stopped saying grandmas house. He doesn't know her anymore besides that she is very sick.
Am I wrong for saying no to them? I don't feel like it. I can't subject my family to her actions. I'm scared she is going to kill herself, what's more scary to me is I feel like if she does I will be relieved, and not be sad she is gone. I havent known her in 5 years now.
With my mom she is in and out of the hospital because everyday when my father gets home from work she is unable to walk or stand up. The paramedics come to the house at least twice a month but now more like twice a week.
She falls over into things and falls over period. She throws her things all over the house looking for that one last pill she knows she hid somewhere just can't remember where. Last week my dad caught her on camera placing her paperwork in the stove! Shes gonna burn the house down and the hospital and police say there is nothing they can do to make her stop. My dad is at risk of losing his job because he has to leave all the time to check on her.
With this last time she fell over so many times she has bruises up and down her entire body. She told the hospital my dad did this to her when he has her recorded for 20 minutes falling over and knocking cabinets over, and not being able to talk or stand up at all. The hospital said that they would only release her to me because HE IS A THREAT!!!! I told them to keep her! I have a 5 year old an almost 2 year old and am 7 months pregnant, i don't need that in my house.
My son tells me everyday he misses his grandmother, and why can't he see her. He has started saying I want to go to grandpas house and stopped saying grandmas house. He doesn't know her anymore besides that she is very sick.
Am I wrong for saying no to them? I don't feel like it. I can't subject my family to her actions. I'm scared she is going to kill herself, what's more scary to me is I feel like if she does I will be relieved, and not be sad she is gone. I havent known her in 5 years now.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
My mother (who went through an 11-month death spiral from 12/07 until she died in 12/08) got hopelessly addicted to OxyContin when she was in the hospital. It's horrible, and none of her health-care providers would do a d*mn thing about it. Her addiction (while in the hospital and rehab for all 11 months -- she never came home and ended up dying in a nursing home) got so bad that she would, as far as I can tell, climb out of bed and intentionally fall on the floor so she could get more painkillers. She had other major psychiatric problems, too, which made it <strike>difficult</strike> impossible to treat.
I don't have any answers for you, other than to go to Al-Anon, which will help you understand the situation -- and the fact that you can't make someone get sober if they don't want to.
T
I don't have any answers for you, other than to go to Al-Anon, which will help you understand the situation -- and the fact that you can't make someone get sober if they don't want to.
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 2
Thanks guys.
I'm not really looking for "answers," I just wanted to put this out there and see what people have to say - to see how common or uncommon this type of behavior is.
My sister and I have never confronted my mother before this - I was the first of us and it just felt really, really good.
It appears as if she's making a decision to reward herself for 20 years of sobriety and successfully raising children and doing a job that allowed her to retire early.
"It's MY life, why the hell shouldn't I do what I want with it? I raised kids and a family and was forced to stay clean - now it's my turn to have what I want, and this is the way I want to be." This seems to be her rationalization, and if she wants to blow the rest of her cash, final years, and lasting relationships on her dream goal of riding the high till the sun goes down then there's not much anyone can do.
I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't say anything.
I'm not really looking for "answers," I just wanted to put this out there and see what people have to say - to see how common or uncommon this type of behavior is.
My sister and I have never confronted my mother before this - I was the first of us and it just felt really, really good.
It appears as if she's making a decision to reward herself for 20 years of sobriety and successfully raising children and doing a job that allowed her to retire early.
"It's MY life, why the hell shouldn't I do what I want with it? I raised kids and a family and was forced to stay clean - now it's my turn to have what I want, and this is the way I want to be." This seems to be her rationalization, and if she wants to blow the rest of her cash, final years, and lasting relationships on her dream goal of riding the high till the sun goes down then there's not much anyone can do.
I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't say anything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
I understand how you feel. For me it's different, I have confronted her many times. For the past 3 years it's been I'm and out of the hospitals. Getting in car accidents just to get pain killers. (minor fender bender where she acted like it was way worse) stollen pain meds from her dog who had surgery. Caught her going through peoples purses. Stollen change from piggy banks she made for her grandkids. I confronted her every time. She has only seen her grandkids twice in the past year because I refuse to subject them to her. You would think that would make her want to change and get better, it doesn't. 7 months pregnant and she has missed that much and there is no shot she will be there to see my baby this summer. She lies and says she is sober and stay coherent long enough to make a good impression and get what she wants (seeing my son for his birthday) and within days is back in the hospital for how she ods on the floor alone. I feel like she needs to be committed so someone can baby sit her. My dad has tried paying people to check on her but no one wants to be the one to find her like that.
Wish someone could do something, I feel helpless
Wish someone could do something, I feel helpless
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 21
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
My mom is an alcoholic (she was recently in the hospital and we're all worried she'll develop an addiction to pain meds now). I'm only 23 and my mom has been an alcoholic since I was about 13, so I had to love with it for a long time. I confronted her about her drinking time and time again. It always ended up in screaming matches and her saying really nasty, mean things to me. She would blame me, my dad, and my sister for causing her to drink. Even though I knew she was drunk and not to listen to her, the mean things she said still hurt me and have given me complexes about myself. It's so stressful and no good comes out of it. It's great that you confronted your mom, but I'll tell you that nothing ever really comes from doing it most of the time. It just stresses you out, and they'll just deny it.
My mom also said she deserved to be able to drink, it was her choice, she wasn't harming anyone else. It effects other people besides themselves, and they're always in such denial! I feel bad for your father. My mom doesn't really do anything with our family anymore. I moved to another state a few months ago and he was really sad because he'd have nobody to talk to or do things with. We help my mom hide her drinking because it's embarrassing to us. I know you shouldn't enable them, but when you're in the situation it's so hard to just tell everyone, "Hey, mom wasn't at the family reunion because she's passed out!" I suggest trying to talk to your dad about it a little more and at least offering him somebody to talk to about it, because it can be so lonely being stuck there with someone with an addiction like that.
My mom is an alcoholic (she was recently in the hospital and we're all worried she'll develop an addiction to pain meds now). I'm only 23 and my mom has been an alcoholic since I was about 13, so I had to love with it for a long time. I confronted her about her drinking time and time again. It always ended up in screaming matches and her saying really nasty, mean things to me. She would blame me, my dad, and my sister for causing her to drink. Even though I knew she was drunk and not to listen to her, the mean things she said still hurt me and have given me complexes about myself. It's so stressful and no good comes out of it. It's great that you confronted your mom, but I'll tell you that nothing ever really comes from doing it most of the time. It just stresses you out, and they'll just deny it.
My mom also said she deserved to be able to drink, it was her choice, she wasn't harming anyone else. It effects other people besides themselves, and they're always in such denial! I feel bad for your father. My mom doesn't really do anything with our family anymore. I moved to another state a few months ago and he was really sad because he'd have nobody to talk to or do things with. We help my mom hide her drinking because it's embarrassing to us. I know you shouldn't enable them, but when you're in the situation it's so hard to just tell everyone, "Hey, mom wasn't at the family reunion because she's passed out!" I suggest trying to talk to your dad about it a little more and at least offering him somebody to talk to about it, because it can be so lonely being stuck there with someone with an addiction like that.
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