skazo

Hi,

I signed up for this site last year, but never really visited it. My mom is an alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge this, and fights whoever dares to tell her this. She has become more and more abusive as the years have worn on and i am exhausted by her roller-coaster moods.

I think she really started to hit the bottle hard when i was about twelve, and i am now 36. She is really mean and loves putting me and my siblings down. She has succeeded in alienating most of her friends and lives a largely reclusive life. Her house are dirty and so is she, she actually smells. Her teeth are stained brown by the red wine she drinks and her breath smells like a sewer. Her unpredictable behaviour is a constant source of embarrasment as she can explode anywhere anytime and with anyone. I always feel frightened when she "drops by" at my office, because i dont know what might set her off, I am also worried about what people may be saying about her behind our backs because she smells badly and is not very well presented. Sadly she used to be so well dressed and groomed and now she is the exact opposite.

I have two small children and i really dont want them around her, but she comes to my house everyday to play with them.

My question is, because she has made it clear that she will not seek help how can i get her out of my life because being around her just leaves me feeling bad and helpless.

OklaBH

bless your heart. Im a recovering alcoholic and i shutter when i think about the things i said/did in front of my sons. al-anon will give you a lot of advice on how to deal (or not deal) with this. good luck ! im really sorry you are going through this.

CheekyAngel

Hey,

my mum sounds exactly like yours. Im only 21 tho! You have made me think of the future with her...my god it wont be pretty!

Anyway, id say the best you can do is not let her in to your house if shes been drinking. I dont know how much more times you have contact with her but look at the situations from all different angles and see what is best for you.

Does she always be drunk when visiting the kids? Have you really sat her down and told her you dont want her around the kids if shes drunk?

You choose to open the door, and visitors walking in the door should have respect when walking into your house, she obviously has no self-respect and therefore misses the concept of respect.

Maybe let her know what you expect from her and if you dont get it, then dont open the door to her.

Hope this helps

skazo

The worst thing is that she will say the most terrible things to us, then whilst you are still reeling from the latest attack, she comes back wanting life to go on as though nothing untoward happened. She will chat away like nothing has happened, leaving you wondering whether maybe you mis-interpreted her during the last encounter.

I ave actually only been to her house once this year, and even then i couldnt get out soon enough.

suki44883

Your home is your home. It is your decision as to whom you allow inside. If it were me, I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that if she cannot get her crap together, she will no longer be welcome in my home. You can't change her, but you can change how you deal with her, if you choose to deal with her at all. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you must submit to her abuse and chaotic lifestyle. Make your own rules.

Eddiebuckle

Welcome, Skazo!

I don't know whether there is an Alanon group in Botswana, but if there is, please look into that group. My mother was exactly the same way, and though our family begged, cjoled and ultimately forced her into rehab twice, she ultimately died an active alcoholic. Please see the family and friends of alcoholics section of this website, there is a lot of experience, strength, and hope there.

justjo

Hi Skazo,
See, mum keeps coming back because she probably doesnt remember what she said or did the last time, so each time she visits, its a new day.
Thing is, you remember everything and she remembers nothing.

Its a sad sad thing when memory goes. Its your home, your children and mum needs to be told what your expectations are.
I remember my AS wouldnt remember a conversation we had an hour ago, but she would always remember 'if I told her straight out what I would not accept from her'

JJ

CheekyAngel

That was the worst part of it for me when i was in school. She expects you to go on as if nothing has happened, when in reality (which she is not really in) so much has happened. When i would have to go to school the next day, i would have to go on as if everything was rosey, when the night before or that morning was utter caos (spelling?).

No you definitely havnt mis-interpreted her at all, you know what you know, dont make her try to change you knowings. Alcoholics are good at manipulation, so listen to you heart and do whats best for you and your kids.

I think you know whats best, and that is to keep her away, until she begins to see reality, and that reality is you wanting a peaceful life and not her drunkeness around you or your kids.

blueblooms14

So true! It's a hard thing to do, but I do think that once we become parents ourselves it gets a little easier because we have a responsibility to our children that is pretty primal and strong.

Cntsavher3

Tell her she can't see your kids until she is sober. Can't promise it will work because it didn't for mine. My mom hasn't seen my kids but twice in the past year, Christmas for my dad and my sons birthday. I am 7 months pregnant and it is killing me that she is not here with and for me, but I figure if she cared about anyone besides herself she would get sober to be with us. You should keep your kids from her because it isn't good for them to see that whether they are old enough to under sand or not. You don't wAnt them thinking it is ok, or developing bad habits taking after her. It might be hard at first but you need some sanity for yourself too. I'm scared for her, but if she can't help herself no one can help her.