pinkskittles

I'm new here... I'll be 31 in July and I grew up with an alcoholic and drug-addicted father.

I haven't lived with him my whole life, but I've been through all the cycles of him picking himself up and digging a hole then picking himself up... when I was 9 I saw him suffer a stroke after an OD. Not something kids should have to go through. Anyway, I'm exhausted.

We've never had a great relationship and he quit paying child support when I was 12. A few years ago, I thought he finally was getting somewhere ... he got a big inheritance and gave it all away ... including to me (he specifically said I didn't have to pay him back). Then before Christmas I found out he was drinking again and was caught DUI. Last month he texted me asking for money. I said I couldn't help him. Then last week he texted me again. I spoke to my sister and she told me he was shooting morphine but now on a prescription to wean him off. I decided I didn't want to help him and this time ignored him.

Then yesterday I get some nasty texts angry that I ignored him when he needed help after he gave me a ton of money.

I feel guilty because he did give me a lot of money, but at the same time I have to keep telling myself I don't owe him a thing.

I want to break ties. Is this recommended? I guess it's a personal choice, but I am not not sure about how to go about it. Do I text him back saying I'm done helping him get out of holes he's dug himself into? Do I owe him an explanation for ignoring him? Do I just keep ignoring him? Do I change my phone number?

I am so at a loss, but I am so not interested in being part of this anymore

Poetry

Hi there. I am also new, though I've been reading the boards for a few months.

Wow, I know where you're coming from and I really feel for you. I do not have advice to offer, but I too have an addict as a father, so I know the undeserved guilt I feel when my dad calls or texts. I know letting him go completely is what he needs, releasing him to the twisted world he has created for himself, so that I can have peace in my life. Yet my heart sometimes aches so bad when I seriously consider doing this. Like your Dad, mine helped me in the past. He gave me a job at one point, bought me my first car, and looked after my beloved dogs when I couldn't be there. He taught me to ride a bike, and even bought me a pony when I was a little girl! He also shared cocaine and weed with me when I was a young teen, took advantage of my kindness over and over, used me, put me in harm's way a lot, and humiliated me countless times. Like your Dad, my Dad also uses guilt when he's desperate for me (or anyone) to help him sort through the garbage he's created for himself. My Dad loves to flout how often he's helped others. He used to be an attorney, so he has all these stories about how he's saved So-and-So from the brink, etc. Gosh, I totally get how exhausting it is to be in any kind of a relationship with an addict! Trying not enable is hard work for me. I pray for the strength to let my own Dad go, (I'm not all the way there yet, but know I need to be). I know these choices you face are agony and so tough to make in the moment a crisis is occurring.

Best Wishes. I hope sharing my thoughts helped you in some small way, even if just to let you know you're not alone in this.

blueblooms14

How do you want to do it?

For me the trick was that I was afraid of my parent's (mom's, in my case) reaction. I don't know if you are afraid of that, or if it's "right" or not, but I limited myself to my feelings and actions, such as, "I'm not going to stay here while you're yelling at me and putting me down." That was the immediate problem I had with her behavior.

I'm thinking that there are many "right" ways. "Right" doesn't mean he will like it, or get it, or approve, or even be nice about it- but that's alright and might not be a problem for you. I sincerely doubt that a *perfect* way exists, so I figure, trust yourself. You know better than anyone else what is right for you.

GingerM

Is it recommended? I would say that anytime someone causes you more emotional harm than good, it is recommended - whether they are related to you or not. The trouble with relatives is that they are much more difficult to ignore as we tend to have a deeper (not healthier, just deeper) attachment to them.

How to go about doing it? I second Blueblooms on this - there is no one right way to do it. The biggest question you need to ask yourself is "how do I do this in such a manner that I don't look back and feel that my behavior was unacceptable." As an example - if you fly into a screaming rage, rather than simply walking away, you may feel that your behavior was not what you'd wanted it to be. That's an extreme example obviously, but hopefully you see where I'm coming from. As long as you can feel at peace with how you handled the situation, then you did it "right". That may mean simply not returning any forms of communication he sends you, which may, in turn, require changing your phone number. Or it may be that you set a very clear boundary about what type of behavior you will accept from him, and what you will walk away from. There are many ways to do this, and each situation is unique.

Do you "owe" him an explanation? I don't think you "owe" him much of anything, really. He has behaved in a manner which you find unacceptable. He is experiencing the natural consequences of his actions. That you aren't returning his texts/calls means he is losing power over you. In my experience, when the alcoholic/addict feels like the illusion is crumbling, they become very frightened and that fear drives an anger response. Expect it to get worse before it gets better as you separate from his reality and move forward into your own.

You used the correct word: "give." He gave you money, free and clear, he even clearly stated that you did not have to give it back. He gave you a gift. By law and by custom, a gift once given is the property of the recipient to do with as they please. You could take the money outside and burn it for all that. You could cash it all in as one dollar bills and fold them into origami cranes and hang them all over your house. You could wallpaper your bathroom with it. His claim to that money ceased when he gifted it to you. His using that line is another attempt to control you as he feels that he is losing control (which he is, and good for you!). Again, expect it to get worse before it gets better.

It is not at all easy to distance ourselves from people we love, no matter how unhealthy they are for us. The pull of the ties of love, duty, and the past are very strong.

You may want to consider this: he can only change his behavior if there is a motivating factor. That means he may have to hit rock bottom to full realize that change truly needs to happen (not just lip service). If you help him out, what you're actually doing is denying him the opportunity to hit rock bottom, and therefore denying him the option of seeing what he needs to see in order to effect a material change in his behavior. In other words, sometimes, by helping, we actually impede the process. That may help your resolve in whatever decision you make.

blueblooms14

Ginger makes a really important point here (and throughout her post, really). This is a great articulation of the measure of how to decide what to do.