Wedding Reception and Best Friend
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
Wedding Reception and Best Friend
Hi guys!
So I quit drinking a little over 3 months ago. I realized a few things: I only drink in certain situations: mainly in groups where others are. I also realized that the reason I do this is because I get nervous and anxious being around people that are drinking. I am sure it's because I'm an ACOA and growing up it was scary when alcohol was present.
Anyway, I have been helping my best friend with her reception. I told her I would set up, but that I wouldn't be able to stay and clean. The reason being - it may affect my sobriety. She's serving appetizers and alcohol. In my mind, there may be people who didn't eat enough for dinner before they come, only to find themselves a bit more tipsy than usual.
After I explained to her that staying could make me uncomfortable - and I did explain that uncomfortable meant that I would want to drink, she was still upset that I would not be there until the end of the night. She explained that it was important to her that I be there. I kept explaining to her that it could effect my sobriety... to no avail. I don't know if she's not getting it or not wanting to get it. I explained it could all be moot - maybe I won't be uncomfortable at all! But I certainly would be there for at least a few hours. She told me I am turning this around to be all about me. It broke my heart, but I knew that was not my intention.
Anyway, we're meeting up on Friday and I want to make sure she understands why I may not be able to be there until the end of the night. I know I have told her everything above in the past, but could any of you give me tips in figuring out if I am missing something here?
(Outside of this reception, she has never put pressure on me or effected my sobriety.)
Thank you for whatever you can tell me!
So I quit drinking a little over 3 months ago. I realized a few things: I only drink in certain situations: mainly in groups where others are. I also realized that the reason I do this is because I get nervous and anxious being around people that are drinking. I am sure it's because I'm an ACOA and growing up it was scary when alcohol was present.
Anyway, I have been helping my best friend with her reception. I told her I would set up, but that I wouldn't be able to stay and clean. The reason being - it may affect my sobriety. She's serving appetizers and alcohol. In my mind, there may be people who didn't eat enough for dinner before they come, only to find themselves a bit more tipsy than usual.
After I explained to her that staying could make me uncomfortable - and I did explain that uncomfortable meant that I would want to drink, she was still upset that I would not be there until the end of the night. She explained that it was important to her that I be there. I kept explaining to her that it could effect my sobriety... to no avail. I don't know if she's not getting it or not wanting to get it. I explained it could all be moot - maybe I won't be uncomfortable at all! But I certainly would be there for at least a few hours. She told me I am turning this around to be all about me. It broke my heart, but I knew that was not my intention.
Anyway, we're meeting up on Friday and I want to make sure she understands why I may not be able to be there until the end of the night. I know I have told her everything above in the past, but could any of you give me tips in figuring out if I am missing something here?
(Outside of this reception, she has never put pressure on me or effected my sobriety.)
Thank you for whatever you can tell me!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Christmas and Weddings are the two occasions where people seem to lose their minds.
What you have done is drawn your own boundary with your friend. "If/when I start feeling uncomfortable, for my own health and sanity I am going to have to leave." This is the (very reasonable) boundary you've drawn.
But for your friend, it's all about her getting what she wants. At this point in time, she doesn't care about any need of yours, she only cares about having her perfect fantasy of a perfect reception play out exactly as she wants it to. Sound familiar? It sounds a lot like most ACoA families - the alcoholics see no boundaries, hear no boundaries, feel no boundaries. This is why the pull is so strong on you.
If you want to try again with your friend, you might ask her: "If I were deathly allergic to gardenias and you were going to have gardenias in all of your flower arrangements, would you still expect me to stay the entire time and put my health/life at risk?" If she argues with you that gardenias and alcohol are not the same thing, well, there's your answer. She doesn't care about your boundaries or your rather significant needs, which you have clearly delineated.
At that point you have one of two options: 1. Cave in to her demands; or 2. Tell her you're very sorry to disappoint her, but you really need to take care of yourself. There's also the third passive aggressive option of saying you'll stay to pacify her in the moment, then leave anyway when she's not paying attention. You don't say how big this reception will be, but if enough people are present, she may not even notice your departure.
In my opinion, unless she's always been this way about trampling boundaries, she has turned into one of those people who lose their minds around weddings. I think the healthiest thing you can do is to defend the boundary you set. Acknowledge that you understand she would like you to be there for the whole thing, and reiterate that it won't be possible.
If she's always been this way, then I might consider looking for a different friend. Friends don't stomp all over each others' boundaries.
What you have done is drawn your own boundary with your friend. "If/when I start feeling uncomfortable, for my own health and sanity I am going to have to leave." This is the (very reasonable) boundary you've drawn.
But for your friend, it's all about her getting what she wants. At this point in time, she doesn't care about any need of yours, she only cares about having her perfect fantasy of a perfect reception play out exactly as she wants it to. Sound familiar? It sounds a lot like most ACoA families - the alcoholics see no boundaries, hear no boundaries, feel no boundaries. This is why the pull is so strong on you.
If you want to try again with your friend, you might ask her: "If I were deathly allergic to gardenias and you were going to have gardenias in all of your flower arrangements, would you still expect me to stay the entire time and put my health/life at risk?" If she argues with you that gardenias and alcohol are not the same thing, well, there's your answer. She doesn't care about your boundaries or your rather significant needs, which you have clearly delineated.
At that point you have one of two options: 1. Cave in to her demands; or 2. Tell her you're very sorry to disappoint her, but you really need to take care of yourself. There's also the third passive aggressive option of saying you'll stay to pacify her in the moment, then leave anyway when she's not paying attention. You don't say how big this reception will be, but if enough people are present, she may not even notice your departure.
In my opinion, unless she's always been this way about trampling boundaries, she has turned into one of those people who lose their minds around weddings. I think the healthiest thing you can do is to defend the boundary you set. Acknowledge that you understand she would like you to be there for the whole thing, and reiterate that it won't be possible.
If she's always been this way, then I might consider looking for a different friend. Friends don't stomp all over each others' boundaries.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
The reception is less than 90. She eloped so she has no wedding party. There is no head table... Mostly I am going to busy myself with cleaning up and making sure her reception goes well. That I don't mind and don't feel put out about.
Your three choices are just what I thought. But choice #2 is the only way for me. I care about my sobriety and myself too much to mess around with that. I've been dealing with some guilt feelings about putting myself first - just because this is new to me. But when I hear that guilt, I remind myself that it's just something ingrained in me and that I am in the right.
Your last two paragraphs are something to think about. I recently read and finished a codependency book. I think that my strides to break free of codependency have helped me see that the boundary I have set is right. I believe this is why I am seeing struggles - but each one is worth it!
Your three choices are just what I thought. But choice #2 is the only way for me. I care about my sobriety and myself too much to mess around with that. I've been dealing with some guilt feelings about putting myself first - just because this is new to me. But when I hear that guilt, I remind myself that it's just something ingrained in me and that I am in the right.
Your last two paragraphs are something to think about. I recently read and finished a codependency book. I think that my strides to break free of codependency have helped me see that the boundary I have set is right. I believe this is why I am seeing struggles - but each one is worth it!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
As a follow up, I did just what I said I would do... and the point was moot anyway because by the time it rolled around, I was okay to stay the whole night. (AKA - The alcohol everywhere didn't bother me!) It felt good to be secure in my decision!! Thanks for the support!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm very glad that you were able to go and that the alcohol didn't bother you. I am even more glad that you did this as a conscious decision of your own, and not as a reaction to her manipulating/guilting you into going.
So you went, knowing that you could/would leave if you needed to (defining and defending your own boundaries), then you assessed the situation and found that it was working within your needs (the alcohol didn't bother you), so you decided to stay because you were doing well with the situation.
That sounds like pretty big hunk of recovery to me. Good on ya!
So you went, knowing that you could/would leave if you needed to (defining and defending your own boundaries), then you assessed the situation and found that it was working within your needs (the alcohol didn't bother you), so you decided to stay because you were doing well with the situation.
That sounds like pretty big hunk of recovery to me. Good on ya!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
You had your coping/solution skills ready.
Had a plan of action.
Then realized you were strong enough (not wanting alcohol) to not need your back up plan.
That was great and like the advice that a true friend would not trample on boundaries but remember that weddings are a stressful time for a bride.
Had a plan of action.
Then realized you were strong enough (not wanting alcohol) to not need your back up plan.
That was great and like the advice that a true friend would not trample on boundaries but remember that weddings are a stressful time for a bride.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
Thanks again for everything. I was just re-reading this post and things have went GREAT since I quit drinking and started working on my ACOA issues. Not only did the wedding situation go great, our friendship is stronger than it's ever been before! Thank you again!! The support of this board, even months later, has been wonderful and I am full of gratitude!
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