Can anybody offer any help with dealing with an alcoholic mother?
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1
Can anybody offer any help with dealing with an alcoholic mother?
Hi everyone,
I don't really know where to start with this. I am 21 years old and no longer live with my parents. I have an older sister who left home at 16 due to my mother's drinking, and a younger brother who still lives with my parents but spends as much time as he can away from the house because of it. My parents are still together at the moment but all my life my dad has been threatening to leave her because of the things he has to put up with because of her addiction to alcohol. He's had enough now and he's ready to walk away. He still loves her but it's too much for him to deal with and she can't see the damage she's doing.
She drinks heavily several nights a week alone in the family home, whilst everybody else is trying to just relax and have a quiet night in. She's very much dependent on alcohol. My parents are not the most well off of people and in the past they have been at the stage where they could barely afford to feed my siblings and me. We would be literally living off toast, yet my mother would insist on borrowing money so that she could 'just have a drink'. Both of my parents are very depressed and have reason to be, which I believe has made my mother turn to the bottle more and more over the years, which has only contributed to my father's problems. I could go on and on but I'll try not to.
The thing is, when my mother's been drinking, she turns into a complete different person. It's almost like she has a split personality which only comes out when she's intoxicated. She becomes very child-like and argumentative. She blows everything out of proportion and she becomes aggressive. My earliest memory as a child is of sitting outside my parents' bedroom shaking and not daring to go to sleep as I thought one of my parents was going to kill the other when they were fighting. Afterwards, my mother would come into my bedroom and start crying to me about it, telling me how much of a horrible man my father is and how he hit her for no reason. Nothing has changed since then, except she's got a bit worse.
The next day when she's sobered up, she genuinely believes that my father has attacked her for no reason and that he has anger problems. In reality, what happens is my mother becomes aggressive and tries to pick a fight. My dad ignores her and goes to bed to get away from her. She comes storming up the stairs, climbs on top of him and punches him repeatedly in the face until he has no choice but to shout at her and push her off him. She gets bruises from him grabbing her to push her off him, or slapping her occasionally when she's practically trying to kill him, and she wakes up thinking he's beat her. All she remembers is him fighting back and shouting things at her to shut her up, yet she thinks it was all unprovoked. This happens way too often.
Even when she's not being childish, argumentative and attention seeking, she's just not my mother and not my dad's wife. She's somebody else and it's horrible. She definitely doesn't become a stranger as we've had to put up with this 'personality' for years, but she's somebody we don't like and somebody who is destroying my family. We feel like we're walking on egg shells around her and we can't relax in our own home (I say 'we' as I still live with them when I'm not at university).
She won't admit to having a drink problem. I don't believe she has any idea about what problems she causes, but I think deep down she does know that she has a drink problem but is scared to admit it to herself. She admitted it once before it the past and promised my dad she would get help, but she didn't and she's denied it ever since. When she's not been drinking, she's the most loving person ever and she's a great mother and wife, so for years we've been just brushing it under the carpet and making the most of the times we have with her when she's sober. The thing is, every time we mention it to her, she sees it as a personal attack, accuses us all of hating her and locks herself in her room for days crying her eyes out. We've tried talking to her about it but she does this every time and she's not willing to listen to what anybody says.
Last week when she was drunk she was talking to me about how drinking is her hobby and it's the only one she has so we shouldn't disrespect it. She's drinking away her family, drinking away our money and she's going to drink herself to death! That doesn't sound like much of a hobby to me. She says it helps her to relax and to feel more confident. It puts us all on edge and makes us uncomfortable. She is unwilling to see the effect it is having on us, and the effect it is having on her. Both of her parents are heavy drinkers, so in her eyes it's normal. Her sister and her sister's entire family are the same, and so is my mother's brother. Because their entire families are the same, nobody sees it as a problem so it's been kind of normalised in my mother's mind. Our family is different. My father doesn't drink and, because of my mother's addiction, my siblings and I are not exactly big drinkers. My brother can't deal with her behaviour anymore and he's about to move out. My father is about to leave her because she's unwilling to admit that she has a problem and he can't put up with it anymore. My mother's going to be alone and she's just going to get worse and worse.
Has anybody got any advice on how we can make her see things from our perspective and to admit that she has a problem? She needs to see that we're trying to help her, not to gang up against her, but she just won't listen.
I don't really know where to start with this. I am 21 years old and no longer live with my parents. I have an older sister who left home at 16 due to my mother's drinking, and a younger brother who still lives with my parents but spends as much time as he can away from the house because of it. My parents are still together at the moment but all my life my dad has been threatening to leave her because of the things he has to put up with because of her addiction to alcohol. He's had enough now and he's ready to walk away. He still loves her but it's too much for him to deal with and she can't see the damage she's doing.
She drinks heavily several nights a week alone in the family home, whilst everybody else is trying to just relax and have a quiet night in. She's very much dependent on alcohol. My parents are not the most well off of people and in the past they have been at the stage where they could barely afford to feed my siblings and me. We would be literally living off toast, yet my mother would insist on borrowing money so that she could 'just have a drink'. Both of my parents are very depressed and have reason to be, which I believe has made my mother turn to the bottle more and more over the years, which has only contributed to my father's problems. I could go on and on but I'll try not to.
The thing is, when my mother's been drinking, she turns into a complete different person. It's almost like she has a split personality which only comes out when she's intoxicated. She becomes very child-like and argumentative. She blows everything out of proportion and she becomes aggressive. My earliest memory as a child is of sitting outside my parents' bedroom shaking and not daring to go to sleep as I thought one of my parents was going to kill the other when they were fighting. Afterwards, my mother would come into my bedroom and start crying to me about it, telling me how much of a horrible man my father is and how he hit her for no reason. Nothing has changed since then, except she's got a bit worse.
The next day when she's sobered up, she genuinely believes that my father has attacked her for no reason and that he has anger problems. In reality, what happens is my mother becomes aggressive and tries to pick a fight. My dad ignores her and goes to bed to get away from her. She comes storming up the stairs, climbs on top of him and punches him repeatedly in the face until he has no choice but to shout at her and push her off him. She gets bruises from him grabbing her to push her off him, or slapping her occasionally when she's practically trying to kill him, and she wakes up thinking he's beat her. All she remembers is him fighting back and shouting things at her to shut her up, yet she thinks it was all unprovoked. This happens way too often.
Even when she's not being childish, argumentative and attention seeking, she's just not my mother and not my dad's wife. She's somebody else and it's horrible. She definitely doesn't become a stranger as we've had to put up with this 'personality' for years, but she's somebody we don't like and somebody who is destroying my family. We feel like we're walking on egg shells around her and we can't relax in our own home (I say 'we' as I still live with them when I'm not at university).
She won't admit to having a drink problem. I don't believe she has any idea about what problems she causes, but I think deep down she does know that she has a drink problem but is scared to admit it to herself. She admitted it once before it the past and promised my dad she would get help, but she didn't and she's denied it ever since. When she's not been drinking, she's the most loving person ever and she's a great mother and wife, so for years we've been just brushing it under the carpet and making the most of the times we have with her when she's sober. The thing is, every time we mention it to her, she sees it as a personal attack, accuses us all of hating her and locks herself in her room for days crying her eyes out. We've tried talking to her about it but she does this every time and she's not willing to listen to what anybody says.
Last week when she was drunk she was talking to me about how drinking is her hobby and it's the only one she has so we shouldn't disrespect it. She's drinking away her family, drinking away our money and she's going to drink herself to death! That doesn't sound like much of a hobby to me. She says it helps her to relax and to feel more confident. It puts us all on edge and makes us uncomfortable. She is unwilling to see the effect it is having on us, and the effect it is having on her. Both of her parents are heavy drinkers, so in her eyes it's normal. Her sister and her sister's entire family are the same, and so is my mother's brother. Because their entire families are the same, nobody sees it as a problem so it's been kind of normalised in my mother's mind. Our family is different. My father doesn't drink and, because of my mother's addiction, my siblings and I are not exactly big drinkers. My brother can't deal with her behaviour anymore and he's about to move out. My father is about to leave her because she's unwilling to admit that she has a problem and he can't put up with it anymore. My mother's going to be alone and she's just going to get worse and worse.
Has anybody got any advice on how we can make her see things from our perspective and to admit that she has a problem? She needs to see that we're trying to help her, not to gang up against her, but she just won't listen.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Burlington, VT
Posts: 1
Alcoholic Mom
Hi BadInfluence,
For what it is worth: my Mom at 70 just got out of the hospital for alcohol related "complications". Despite countless attempts to get her to see things differently my sponsor just says we are powerless over alcohol and that the only person that can change my Mom is my Mom.
Over the years I have worked on coping skills that allow me to keep my serenity w/o her getting under my skin. Often times it is simply removing my self from those situations or dismissing her rantings as nonsense.
I wish you luck and hope you find your own peace.
For what it is worth: my Mom at 70 just got out of the hospital for alcohol related "complications". Despite countless attempts to get her to see things differently my sponsor just says we are powerless over alcohol and that the only person that can change my Mom is my Mom.
Over the years I have worked on coping skills that allow me to keep my serenity w/o her getting under my skin. Often times it is simply removing my self from those situations or dismissing her rantings as nonsense.
I wish you luck and hope you find your own peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You may get more responses if you repost your questions in this forum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Unfortunately, the only person who can convince your mom that she has a problem is your mom. She, for whatever reason, can not see that she has a problem - which is why she gets so upset when people tell her she does.
But I do strongly recommend that you hop over to the forum next door (the one I linked to) and see what those folks have to say.
Unfortunately, the only person who can convince your mom that she has a problem is your mom. She, for whatever reason, can not see that she has a problem - which is why she gets so upset when people tell her she does.
But I do strongly recommend that you hop over to the forum next door (the one I linked to) and see what those folks have to say.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by badinfluence 
Has anybody got any advice on how we can make her see things from our perspective and to admit that she has a problem? She needs to see that we're trying to help her, not to gang up against her, but she just won't listen.
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us!!! It is so frustrating to watch someone you love be sooo self-destructive.
One of the things we learn here in this forum and in face-to-face meetings like Al-Anon is the 3 C's.
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
At first, boy did I hate that!!!! I thought there had to be something, anything I could do.....but I'm just not at all that powerful.
Now, it is actually quite freeing for me. I do not have a front seat to the chaos that is active addiction and there is peace and serenity in my life!
Your mother is a grown woman who, like all other adults, is responsible for herself and her actions. No amount of talking, threatening, bribing, cajoling or ultimatums will get her to see that she needs help. Perhaps, if the whole family allows her to feel the full consequences of her drinking, she may decide to get help.....but it is no guarantee.
Stick around. Keep reading, keep asking questions, keep educating yourself about this disease of addiction.
Best, HG
angry potato
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Ireland
Posts: 77
Hi BadInfluence, your post sounds very familiar to me. I can relate to a lot of it. My mother is the same, my dad is the same, I have one sister...Split personality, denial, wonderful when sober, childlike and aggressive when drunk...
If you need to have a rant or just talk about stuff, just send me a PM or something.
Just letting you know that I understand exactly what you are going through.
If you need to have a rant or just talk about stuff, just send me a PM or something.
Just letting you know that I understand exactly what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
You will be surprised at how many here have
similar stories to yours, including me. I am an
Alcoholic and an Adult child of an Alcoholic.
I suppose my mom is 70ish by now. I dont
disturb talk or communicate with my parent
or siblings because my recovery is too important
to me to be infect again by their dysfunction.
Im 50ish with 20 yrs sobriety and im finally
happy joyous and free in my life today.
My mom abused herself as a child brought that
chain of abuse on to me. 1 of 4 kids. Her drinking
mixed with prescription meds made for an explosive
mixture everytime.
A lovely, attractive working mom who would turn
into Dr. Jeckel/Mr Hyde personality verbally and
physically abuse me.
My dad the normal parent endure abuse from
her when he tried to protect me from her, so
he learned to not rock the boat and forgive her
for she knew not what she was doing and that
she was sick. Me, id say BULL SH*T.
Anyway....i went on the stay married for 25 yrs
with 2 awesome talented adults today. Divorced
and remarried for 2 yrs now with a solid recovery
program in place with my Faith and guidance from
Above.
I cant take my moms inventory any longer cause
I dont know how she is...im assuming she is well
with my dad cause they both are alive and together
after all these yrs. Maybe it has been her Faith that
saved her.
Hang in there and learn all you can about addiction
and how it affects all those it touches. Learn to love
yourself and not to blame. Addiction is an illness
and can be treated with a program of recovery.
I can forgive but I can forget. So holding resentments
to those who hurt me in the past would only keep
me sick and I choose not to be sick today.
Im happy and free today. So can you.
similar stories to yours, including me. I am an
Alcoholic and an Adult child of an Alcoholic.
I suppose my mom is 70ish by now. I dont
disturb talk or communicate with my parent
or siblings because my recovery is too important
to me to be infect again by their dysfunction.
Im 50ish with 20 yrs sobriety and im finally
happy joyous and free in my life today.
My mom abused herself as a child brought that
chain of abuse on to me. 1 of 4 kids. Her drinking
mixed with prescription meds made for an explosive
mixture everytime.
A lovely, attractive working mom who would turn
into Dr. Jeckel/Mr Hyde personality verbally and
physically abuse me.
My dad the normal parent endure abuse from
her when he tried to protect me from her, so
he learned to not rock the boat and forgive her
for she knew not what she was doing and that
she was sick. Me, id say BULL SH*T.
Anyway....i went on the stay married for 25 yrs
with 2 awesome talented adults today. Divorced
and remarried for 2 yrs now with a solid recovery
program in place with my Faith and guidance from
Above.
I cant take my moms inventory any longer cause
I dont know how she is...im assuming she is well
with my dad cause they both are alive and together
after all these yrs. Maybe it has been her Faith that
saved her.
Hang in there and learn all you can about addiction
and how it affects all those it touches. Learn to love
yourself and not to blame. Addiction is an illness
and can be treated with a program of recovery.
I can forgive but I can forget. So holding resentments
to those who hurt me in the past would only keep
me sick and I choose not to be sick today.
Im happy and free today. So can you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Im so sorry to hear what your going through , my father was an alcoholic while I was growing up , there was physical and mental abuse mostly toward my mother and i remember always being the one in between them trying to calm him down, it was a horrible life even though I was young I comprehended something was very wrong and to this day I see that I have issues within my own self because of what happened . Well my father sobered up , he did that when I was about 13, the day my mother died for some reason he just stopped I suppose the responsibility of me and my brother shook him up, he has been sober going on 30 years now . I really have no wisdom to share with you but from experience with my aunt that is also currently an alcoholic I can only say that , yes they will hurt you in so many ways and the only thing I could do was to get myself away from the bad she was putting me through to offer her help if she needed it and Im still waiting.......wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 7
badinfluence,
I going through a very similiar situation myself. Things have been really bad lately and causing me a lot of stress. I'm new to the board and new to seeking advice/help/support. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story, for letting me know I'm not alone; And if you need to talk, you can come to me
I going through a very similiar situation myself. Things have been really bad lately and causing me a lot of stress. I'm new to the board and new to seeking advice/help/support. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story, for letting me know I'm not alone; And if you need to talk, you can come to me
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