it is, what it is
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
it is, what it is
6 months ago, I broke off contact with my lifelong alcoholic mother. Three weeks ago, my father was arrested in an online child sex sting. He was supposed to be my rock. He was the man I spent every weekend with as a child (once they divorced). He was the one that tried to help me organize an intervention (two actually) for my mother. He's always been my support throughout my entire life. He was always the one that I knew I could trust with my life, my thoughts and, well, everything else a child needs. During the week, i knew that if I could just deal with my mom Mon-Fri morning, my dad would come and pick me up friday afternoon and I'd be away from alcohol, my "step"dad, and disfunction. Now that has all gone up in smoke. My dad is facing 10 felony charges and everything that I thought of him is gone, it's dead, i feel like i'm dead. Within 6 months my parents have both affectively disappeared from my life.
The charges my dad is faceing are things I never had a clue about. He was living a double life and before anyone says how could I be upset bc he's a deviant, etc. This man did anything and everything for me as a child and a young adult and now he's gone. I feel like a part of myself has died.
For 6 months I've been struggling past the fact that my mom is dying an alcoholic (she sobered up for 4 years and was told she was in end stage liver failure at that point) and my son will never remember the good times (sober times) we had with her (he's only 4).
Now I'm faced with the possiblity that he will never know my dad either. My son worshipped the ground that my dad walked on and now that's gone. If he ever gets out of prison I have to make the decision whether or not to have him in our life...doubtful I will ever be able to trust him again, even partially.
I have been trying to hold it together over the past 3 weeks but any reminder of parents, moms, dads, etc and its really hard for me.
I am so angry at the both of them and I'm not sure how I will ever let go of my anger.
jenny
The charges my dad is faceing are things I never had a clue about. He was living a double life and before anyone says how could I be upset bc he's a deviant, etc. This man did anything and everything for me as a child and a young adult and now he's gone. I feel like a part of myself has died.
For 6 months I've been struggling past the fact that my mom is dying an alcoholic (she sobered up for 4 years and was told she was in end stage liver failure at that point) and my son will never remember the good times (sober times) we had with her (he's only 4).
Now I'm faced with the possiblity that he will never know my dad either. My son worshipped the ground that my dad walked on and now that's gone. If he ever gets out of prison I have to make the decision whether or not to have him in our life...doubtful I will ever be able to trust him again, even partially.
I have been trying to hold it together over the past 3 weeks but any reminder of parents, moms, dads, etc and its really hard for me.
I am so angry at the both of them and I'm not sure how I will ever let go of my anger.
jenny
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((jen)))) Oh dear.....I'm sooooo sorry to hear about your father. Your head must be spinning! I, for one, would never tell you not to be upset. It sounds as though growing up, he was your quiet port in the storm. How odd that he could so compartmentalize his life.....you have every right to be angry and any other emotion possible.
I hope and pray that you are getting help to work through all of the emotions you are feeling right now including anger and sorrow and disbelief.
Huge hugs to you and your precious son and both of your parents.
HG
I hope and pray that you are getting help to work through all of the emotions you are feeling right now including anger and sorrow and disbelief.
Huge hugs to you and your precious son and both of your parents.
HG
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Your father has a problem. He is also damaged. He managed, for most of your life, to keep his problem so well hidden that you never knew about it.
But just because one part of who he is is less than ideal, does not mean that his entire person and all of your past is false. He could both love you and have a problem with pornography. He could be your rock while needing his own crutch simultaneously.
You may want to ponder that and ask yourself if you think this transgression nullifies every good thing he's ever done for you.
This is spoken from someone who discovered child porn on her own father's computer, had to confront him and tell him that he could either go see a therapist or I'd turn his computer over to the authorities. My dad has his own demons and has a variety of unhealthy ways of dealing with them. That does not mean that all the things he did with/for me previously were made null and void.
For the record, sex addiction therapists will tell you that the advent of the internet has made sex addiction (which porn falls into) a HUGE problem compared to when people had to get hard copies of porn (magazines, etc). Because it is "anonymous" and because it's all in the privacy of home, people begin to think that there's nothing wrong with it.
Believe me, I know it's not easy to reconcile. I know it's like someone just turned your world upside down. It's not going to be easy to face your dad for some time. The anger will be there for a while until you find peace with the situation.
My dad went to therapy. Our relationship has never been the same since then, and his drinking has increased dramatically since that time. I'm still not happy that I was put in the position I was put in, but I have found peace with the fact that my dad is a severely damaged individual who did everything he was capable of doing to give me a better childhood and life than he had. Despite (or maybe because of) his demons, he succeeded. I do have a better life than he had. For that, I love him.
But just because one part of who he is is less than ideal, does not mean that his entire person and all of your past is false. He could both love you and have a problem with pornography. He could be your rock while needing his own crutch simultaneously.
You may want to ponder that and ask yourself if you think this transgression nullifies every good thing he's ever done for you.
This is spoken from someone who discovered child porn on her own father's computer, had to confront him and tell him that he could either go see a therapist or I'd turn his computer over to the authorities. My dad has his own demons and has a variety of unhealthy ways of dealing with them. That does not mean that all the things he did with/for me previously were made null and void.
For the record, sex addiction therapists will tell you that the advent of the internet has made sex addiction (which porn falls into) a HUGE problem compared to when people had to get hard copies of porn (magazines, etc). Because it is "anonymous" and because it's all in the privacy of home, people begin to think that there's nothing wrong with it.
Believe me, I know it's not easy to reconcile. I know it's like someone just turned your world upside down. It's not going to be easy to face your dad for some time. The anger will be there for a while until you find peace with the situation.
My dad went to therapy. Our relationship has never been the same since then, and his drinking has increased dramatically since that time. I'm still not happy that I was put in the position I was put in, but I have found peace with the fact that my dad is a severely damaged individual who did everything he was capable of doing to give me a better childhood and life than he had. Despite (or maybe because of) his demons, he succeeded. I do have a better life than he had. For that, I love him.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by hydrogirl 
Hello Jen,
How are you feeling today?
How are you feeling today?
but overall...pretty crappy.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
I started another thread b/c on thursday night my alcoholic mother was arrested for DUI and having an open container in the car. So now I have both my parents in jail and the one that would have normally been there to give me guidance and reassurance about my mom and that would offer to drive down with me if i wanted to visit her, etc etc etc...is in jail, as well.
I've always said, if my life weren't a rollarcoaster it would be nothing at all. Trying to enjoy the ride but this hill I'm on is scary as hell.
I've always said, if my life weren't a rollarcoaster it would be nothing at all. Trying to enjoy the ride but this hill I'm on is scary as hell.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I doubt this will make you feel any better whatsoever, but you are where you should be. In other words, no healthy individual, when smacked with one parent in jail for one violation and the other parent in jail for a completely different violation, would be feeling good right now.
It is so much for you to absorb, it is so much for you to process and it's all happening at once. It would be overwhelming for *anyone*, no matter how good their support network is.
In other words, what your feeling is not only normal, it is healthy. If you were doing well and happy right now, I'd be very worried for you.
We're here for all the venting you need to do, and for any support you need. We can't make the situation different, but we can give you a safe haven to vent your soul.
It is so much for you to absorb, it is so much for you to process and it's all happening at once. It would be overwhelming for *anyone*, no matter how good their support network is.
In other words, what your feeling is not only normal, it is healthy. If you were doing well and happy right now, I'd be very worried for you.
We're here for all the venting you need to do, and for any support you need. We can't make the situation different, but we can give you a safe haven to vent your soul.
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