Struggle is over - but just beginning
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Struggle is over - but just beginning
I'm new to this site - I am 31 and just lost my father to alcoholism three weeks ago today. I had a great normal upbringing - he was always there for me, was my softball coach, my friend and a good dad, but an awful husband to my mom. He was a "happy drunk" i call it - I never knew until i was in my 20s how bad it was. As he got worse my older brother and I had so many angry feelings towards him as i would beg him to quit and he wouldnt. I got a call that he was in the hospital and after a lot of mixed feelings i went there to see him. I was 5 hours away when i got the call that he had died. I went anyway and had a moment with him - he looked awful - very yellow, very old and worn out looking - and he was only 59. You can tell he was ready to give up the struggle and I just hope he is at peace wherever he is - i know i have so many issues because of him - lack of trust, anger, guilt. But most of all i am surprised by the grief i am feeling - i did not think i would be this sad - i have such a heavy heart and am normally SO positive, so these feelings are confusing. I thought i would be relieved of the day he wouldn't call me drunk again, now i would do anything to hear his voice - only sober. Its hard to explain to people who havent been there, so hoping this gives me a sense of release.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
My condolences. My own father is very sick right now. I think it's hard for men of our father's generation (I'm only a couple years older than you). I guess they'd rather give up, and then we deal with the consequences of their choices...
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Something to think about: are you grieving for the father who was, or are you grieving for the father that might have been?
Most of us ACoAs grieve for the parent(s) we thought/wished they would have been at some stage in our recovery.
I am sorry for your loss - both the loss of your father, and the loss of the father you might have had if he had not been consumed by alcohol.
Most of us ACoAs grieve for the parent(s) we thought/wished they would have been at some stage in our recovery.
I am sorry for your loss - both the loss of your father, and the loss of the father you might have had if he had not been consumed by alcohol.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 232
Originally Posted by noodles 
But most of all i am surprised by the grief i am feeling - i did not think i would be this sad - i have such a heavy heart and am normally SO positive, so these feelings are confusing. I thought i would be relieved of the day he wouldn't call me drunk again, now i would do anything to hear his voice - only sober. Its hard to explain to people who havent been there, so hoping this gives me a sense of release.
When this happened to me, I realized I was holding out hope that ONE DAY I would have a good, loving, supportive relationship w/ my parent and now it was NEVER going to happen. I was not just grieving my AP, I was grieving over what would never be.
It's a lot to deal with. (((((Big hugs)))))
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