celticghirl

Well im usually over at the f +f forum as i have spent the last 2 and a half years with an alcoholic who i am no longer with(thankgod) however sometimes it feels as though i my aswell still be with him as he is always in my head.

There really is not a day that goes by where i dont think about him,i am aware that this is probably normal and i am hoping that one day i can say that i havent thought about him and how i can hep him,which i also know is not possible,and that it is down to him.

It was not an option to carry on in a relationship with him,due to violence and ofcourse the drinking.

Anyway to get to the point,it is not the first time i ahve had to deal with alcoholism.
My mum began drinking when i was around 12 yrs old,my father really controlled her,was violent to her and then her sister was murdered by her husband,who were both alcoholics.

My mums father was alcoholic,my dads father was alcoholic and alcoholism was definetly a problem throughout both sides of the family.

I remember a hell of a lot about my mums drinking and it had a massive affect on me,i dropped out of school,i was basically looking after my mum,at that time when i was so young i kinda got free reighn to do what i wanted,however as i grew older and started work,i realised the full extent of my mums problem and it began to affect me in a big way.

I stopped working so that i could watch my mums every move because i was scared that she would fall down the stairs and die,or choke on her sick etc etc..

She started having alcohol withdrawel seizures,so i would never leave her alone at these times(for obvious reasons) but even after being hospitalized she returned to drinking and it would start all over again.

I was constantly on edge all the time,scared to death that if i let her out of my sight at anytime that she would die or something terrible would happen to her if i wasnt there.

I found myself cleaning up her mess,as she ended up not taking herself to the toilet and i was so embarrased about it all,i felt to blame that it had gone this far with her as in the beginning i took advantage of the fact that she was quite happy to drink and let me do what i want(i know it wasnt my fault)

What bothers me is that i have a feeling this is what led me to stay in the relationship that was really no good for me for so long,and even now after breaking free from my ex i still feel as though i am waiting for something from him, i dont really know what.

I cant seem to let him go in my head,i havent spoke to him for 5 months,although he has tried to communicate to me i have ignored him knowing that i would regret it,but still he is in my head every single day.

Anyway i feel i needed to get this out,i havent really spoke about my mum before and i never really linked that with the problems with my exabf and im hoping that by doing this i come to a greater understanding of why i continue to stay and be attracted to people with problems.

Thanks xxxx

cymbal

I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to this side of the forum!

And to give you (((((hugs))))).

Its such a relief for me to have a safe place to share about my dysfunction. I don't have any sage advice or suggestions. Just to take your time.

Please feel free to share anytime.

I know for me that it takes time to process.

Easy does it! Take care of yourself.......