marie78

It's no secret (at least here) that I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family with an alcoholic step-parent and co-dependent mother, among other things. Recently, I've begun to recognize my own addiction to dysfunction. I am not an addict/alcoholic but my entire life has become dysfunctional in every other possible way.

My relationships with my mother, siblings, and extended family are all dysfunctional. I overcame my fear of picking a dysfunctional partner by never picking a partner in the first place. So, my non-existent love life is totally dysfunctional. My college career was a dysfunctional roller coaster of dropping classes, and half-assing it all the way. My finances are dysfunctional (by that I mean I have a lot of debt). My recent work history has become dysfunctional (I've been unemployed for over a year after quitting my last low paying job). My emotions are totally dysfunctional (e.g. all over the place). My friendships are not fulfilling because I never really trust anyone. In short, I just feel like my life is one gigantic mess.

At what point can I stop blaming it on the way I grew up and start blaming it on myself and my own decisions? I have made mostly poor ones, I know. But I also feel like I've never had even the remotest idea of what I'm doing, or how it is that you're supposed to live a normal adult life. Not a single solitary person in my family is "normal" or not deeply dysfunctional.

In many ways I still feel so traumatized by things that happened in the past, most days I feel about 12 years old, like a little girl trapped in a woman's body. And how can a child possibly know how to take care of themselves? They don't. I don't. I still harbor some secret fantasy of meeting a great person who will rescue me and understand me and make it all better.

I find myself wondering if I am addicted to dysfunction or if this is the natural outgrowth of a severely dysfunctional upbringing. Or maybe both. Can anyone else relate to this at all? You all seem to be well-adjusted adults who got away from your sick families early on, so maybe not.

selman2

You are not alone. I am extremely screwed up. My biological father was an A who went out for milk when I was 2 and never came home. Nice huh. My mother remarried when I was a small child to another A. He was very abusive.Mentally,verbally,physically,and sexually.He molested me when I was 8. BTW I am male.He did go to jail for awhile for that but when released my mother took him right back in. I was scared to death of him.He cont to drink off and on till I was 14 when he died. He was in and out of AA,but sober when he died so in the AA Community that was all that mattered. I didn't agree.
I could never focus on anything in my life.I went to college and flunked out.I couldn't have relationships with women (don't know if it's a trust issue or not)so in my 20's I decided I was gay.I am now 53 and in a over 20 year relationship with another abusive man.I read,read,read this board day and night and know what I need to do but I take 2 steps forward and 8 back.
My mother lives 20 miles from me and is now in her late 70's.I'm the only one she has to help her maintain her life.IE shopping,Dr's visits,having her over for dinner.I have tried to detach form her but the guilt I feel is overwhelmming.
I have no friends,live with the blinds closedand have even attempted suicide twice.I have been in the looney bin 5 times.
Why can't I just walk away?Why? I know in my head what I need to do but become mute and void to do it.
I feel like my life has been a waste.I feel my upbringing made me gay.I have ANGER,ANGER,ANGER, but it comes out sideways on people that don't deserve it. I cannot seem to detach from anything negative. I am sad
Donald

DesertEyes

Hello there Marie

Sounds like wonderful growth to me, good on you

If you take a little time to go thru the "Characteristics" of Adult Children at the top of this forum you will see that most of us had _exactly_ that kind of life. Welcome to the club.

It's not a "point". It's not a "switch" that one day is one way and the next day the other. It's more like a plant that you carefuly water every day and doesn't seem to do much for awhile and then, one day, when you least expect it, you notice a little bud of a flower starting to peek out.

Your realization that you _can_ change, as stated in your post, sounds to me like that bud of a flower has finally apeared

Exactly right. The way we learn is thru therapy, thrue meetings of ACoA or al-anon or CODA or Celebrate Recovery or whichever program works for you.

Yup, yup, exactly the way I felt.

You just did

The only person in the whole world who can know you down to the deepest, darkest secret and _understand_ that it's all part of the brainwashing that was done _to_ you is the woman you see in the mirror. That is true of "normal" people too, not just us ACoA's.

For me it was about a 50/50 split. I _liked_ the feeling of responsibility that came from managing emergencies all the time. I actually got very good at it. I admit I got a bit of an adrenalin charge from it too, and it gave me a sense of self worth.... although it's more like "other worth" in that it was other people's recognition of my skills that fed my self worth.

ok. I'll let you in on a secret. But you gotta promise not to tell <joke>

Well-adjusted people don't get up one fine morning and say "gee, my life is going so wonderfuly well I think I'll spend the whole day crying and googling "alcoholic parent" until I find SR"

I got 90% away from my sick family early on. The other 10% took me a lot longer. I still find little 1 percents now and again. So I'm not done yet.

Marie, from your post it sounds to me like you are well on your way to recovery. You sound just like I did when I first got started, and like most everybody else I've met around here. Feel free to join us as we explore this strange new world they call "Normal".

Mike

GingerM

Mike said it all much better than I could have. "All" I can do is say that he's spot on with his assessment.

The fact that you're questioning when to stop blaming your upbringing and start blaming yourself (translation: taking ownership of your life instead of letting others control it, even from the distant past); the fact that you're questioning why you can't make healthy decisions on your own (hint: you've never had the behavior modeled to you, so you're having to reinvent the wheel); the fact that you're questioning whether you're addicted to dysfunction or not - all these are the beginnings. They are your first step.

See, completely dysfunctional people don't ask themselves these questions. Completely dysfunctional people believe that they are perfectly fine the way they are and see no reason to change. They lack the ability to examine their own inner workings.

But you're different. You're looking inside and starting to ask questions. That you are even asking the questions means you're capable of becoming not-dysfunctional. Not that it's an easy task - reinventing the wheel is hard work, very hard work.

Like Mike, I still have a bit of my family left that pops up. We will never be able to fully jettison our past baggage. We can, however, develop new tools to live a different life from what we were taught to live (or HAD to live for our own safety and sanity).

You're asking all the right questions. That means you are not without hope of some day leading a peaceful life that is not chaotic. The path you take to get there is up to you.

dothi

Oh yes! I've been a dysfunction addict for a long time. Even after I broke away from my family, there was a powerful compulsion to stew in drama. I think the pathways for this kind of thinking remain very strong in your brain long after you remove yourself from that environment. You need to wean yourself off of the drama fix, and find healthier sources of fulfillment... just like with an addiction.

Quote:

At what point can I stop blaming it on the way I grew up and start blaming it on myself and my own decisions?

My emotions are totally dysfunctional (e.g. all over the place). My friendships are not fulfilling because I never really trust anyone. In short, I just feel like my life is one gigantic mess.

Good thing to try: don't assume your emotions are dysfunctional. Or in other words, don't assume that your emotions are "bad". You don't get to grow up like a child, and complete all the stages of emotional maturation, when you grow up in an alcoholic family. You don't get to know how it feels to show off spontaneously and crack a JOKE, or lose your temper and SCREAM... not without repercussions. You don't get to learn what your own feelings feel like.

I often feel this way about my feelings: WHY ARE THEY SO STRONG?
Which leads to shame, because I feel like I'm failing to manage my own feelings, when it looks like everyone else around me is doing just fine.

Just giving myself some permission to have [strong] feelings in the first place helps tremendously. If I lose my temper as an adult, I think, "well, how often did I get to lose it as a child?" A lot of the strong "dysfunctional" feelings that are overwhelming you now are those you neglected/repressed when you were a child because you had to be focussed on your parents' behavior so much.

The more you learn to find comfort in experiencing your own feelings, the more effortlessly fulfilling friendships and getting your life in order will come. That's what I've been trying, and so far it's a better strategy than any I learned at home

serenenick

Thank you for posting you are not alone . "Pain being the main motivator for change"

I hit an emotional rock bottom in 2012 and was in so much emotional pain I thought I was going to die. It was triggered after I broke up a dysfunctional relationship which bought up all my unresolved grief and abandonment issues to the surface.

I had been in the rooms of AA/NA for 4 years so knew that picking up a drink or drug was not an option and found my self being guided and directed in to ACoA.

the spiritual program of action and working with a good sponsor has has helped me see the dysfunction for what it is an illness and also helped me grow emotionally.

I still struggle with loneliness isolation self pity and victimization at times when I find my self in toxic shame and is not easy to get out of but am learning to re parent my self through gentleness love and humor one day at at time.

a friend passed on some Ernie Lawson workshop CD's to me which has helped me greatly surrounding breaking the behavior and which i could pass on to you if you would like a copy ?

god bless