bella162

Hi All,

It's been a year or so, maybe more, since i last posted anything on this site. Before that i was in a relationship with an alcoholic for five years and i found this board extremely helpful.

I am no longer with my recovering alcoholic as i realised he and I were living a lie. Even though he was almost at the end of a year long recovery programme and appeared to have become a more open and honest person. It was just a lie and change in tactics from becoming an openly devious person. He went from openly being a liar to becoming a hidden devious liar and all I can think of is that he defiled the 12 step programme in order to do it. He seemed use an apparently outwardly successful recovery where he seemed to become very moral and spiritual to cover up extreme deceptions. I was so very proud of him, thinking he had recovered and gained a moral compass only to wake up one day and realise he had made a complete fool of me - not only me but out of all those wonderful people who had stood by him - counsellors, family and sponsors, throughout his supposed recovery programme.

My feelings for him changed in a matter of seconds after receiving the real news of his activities.. i have never felt such a coldness towards someone so instantly in my life. I was actually more shocked at how rapidly my feelings changed. It was neither love or hatred or sadness. It was nothing. This was a good thing as i was then detached for anything, any lie or any reasoning he came up with after that to be seen for what it is.. deluded deception by him and self delusion and deception by me in the way I had previously perceived him.. It was like someone had lifted a veil and shone a light on me...It took about 3 weeks of harassment by him - much of it nasty- for him to get the message that it was over.

Then one day i woke up and felt something.. the best feeling ever.. relief.

Now a year on, i am just about back to the person i was five years before i met him.. my social circle has expanded and i do not have to hide away or cover up for any of his antics any more.. when i look back on the time i do feel anger but not with him.. he has a disease which i believe he will never recover from no matter how many drinks he refuses in the future. I feel angry with me for allowing this man to come into my life and the life of those around me, i feel angry with not being able to find the strength to leave him sooner..

I take comfort in thinking that there was a reason why perhaps i went through it.. and that is perhaps to experience extreme mental anguish.

For the past year i have been taking a course which will lead on to me becoming a qualified counsellor. ( not necessarily in the field of alcoholism ) part of this course involves me doing a research project. I have chosen to research late onset alcoholism in elderly people, - mostly those over 65 who have suddenly become alcoholics even if they have only ever been moderate drinkers or social drinkers in the past this is a hidden epidemic which, when you look at the statistics, makes for shocking reading.

This is all the more apparent for me as last year i realised that my own mother aged 75 had become a alcoholic after having no problem with drinking ever in her life. I now find hidden bottles in her room. I have tackled her about her drinking but she denies there's a problem.. she says she has always had a couple of drinks and she's not about to stop now.. I try to explain that her physical biology has changed and that she cannot drink he couple of glasses now and get away with it like a middle aged person can.. he drinking habits have never changed but what was once moderate to a younger person is now lethal to an elderly person. Quite without she - or even the family, realising it, she has slowly been taken over by drink and is now drinking every day.. it's just crept up on her like a demon and got in quite by stealth.

OK, you might say, at her age she deserves a drink or two but honestly, the problems it causes and the personality changes she's gone through are no different from what is experienced by any other alcoholic. The family's emotions are also all over the place and yet my mother will deny everything.. The one blessing in all this is that her problem is out in the open with the family, they all know about it even though we feel powerless to do anything about it whereas with my ex, the problem was hidden and everything i went through with him, i went through on my own, often taking the flack of other people for his behaviours.

Ok.. i really didn't intend to write any of this when i cam e on here.. i was going to write something else completely which i will get to in a minute.. but i guess, that just came pouring out as it needed to be cleared. right and so onto the reason i'm really here.

As I've just mentioned, I am doing a research project. It's not a major academic study for university or anything like that. At this point It's more of a college project. I would like to include some evidence of other peoples experiences of late onset alcoholism in people over 65 ideally and wondered if anyone would be willing to ANONYMOUSLY share their stories with me so that i could print them off and include them in my project.. i will also be needing to do some form of questionnaire in the near future and would be needing willing ANONYMOUS participants to take part in that also. If you would be willing to do either i would be very grateful

This research project is based on British Statistics so i would need British people to fill n the questionnaire but the evidential stories of living with someone with late onset alcoholism, can be from any background nationality as reasons and feelings are typically universal.

If you have gotten this far, thank you for baring with this long post.

Bella162.

GingerM

I would help you, but am not British. My own experience is that the late onset alcoholism was a replacement for a different "-aholic" tendency (such as being a workaholic, then retiring). I've seen that in two different people in my family - both of whom consumed at a reasonable level until after they retired, and more particularly when they felt they were utterly alone in the world.

tromboneliness

My Dad, who died in September at 90, was an alcoholic -- not late-onset, though! He was a pretty regular drinker his whole life. Claimed it was no problem -- and I have to say, in terms of his health, he had a point, although in his last few months, he had some problems that the doctors thought may have been due to alcohol withdrawal.

I've been going through the stuff my parents left behind (getting their house ready for sale), and have found all sorts of interesting documentation -- among other things, related to a DWI arrest/court case my Dad had about 20 years ago. The level of denial going on there was pretty ridiculous -- and I don't know why he kept all the paperwork lying around... he'd be annoyed if he knew I was reading it now!

Anyhow, thanks for telling your story.

T

DesertEyes

Hello bella, and welcome back to SoberRecovery

I'm sorry to hear that didn't work out, but I'm glad that you got out of it before it got worse.

What a wonderful description. I am so glad you didn't get sucked in to the lies, good on you.

How encouraging, that is a perfect example of what "recovery" is all about.

No worries, that is what SoberRecovery is for. You may wish to copy that portion of your post over to the "Friends and Family" forum "next door".

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

In order to maintain the confidentiality of our members we ask that you route that request thru the management

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Contact Us

They will ask you a few questions just to make sure the survey is legit, as we get a lot of advertisers and spammers. Actually, looking at your target population, and having once been a psych college student I think you'll find a lot more volunteers in a much shorter time frame if you simple visit the nearest hospital or treatment facility with an alcoholism unit. Ask for the "intake counselor", or whatever the proper term is on your side of the pond, as that is the person who will be most familiar with the families of the patients.

In any case, welcome back

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

bella162

Hi Desert eyes,

Thank you for reading my post and commenting.. it is truly encouraging to know someone understands, and of course, your completely right, I should have first sought permission before asking about the survey, so thanks for you help in explaining how I go about that. :-).. Typical of me to just blurt things out without thinking through consequences ( I think it's my A.D.H.D side showing through )

And thanks to the other people who have posted. How shocking to go through a parents belongings and find out things you perhaps wish you had never found out.

bella.

thequest

Pretty much the story of my dad. You can still smell him before you hear him at times. He's pushing 80 and he's pushing a late night cocktail after a couple of glasses of wine around dinner. He's moody as heck and you can't tell him anything. If he says the sky is green the sky is green.

The only thing that the drinking did overtime is keep his bp & appetite down so weight is not an issue although he frequently acts like an anorexic refusing food ie one slice of bacon is too much. But he's spent a lifetime doing toast for breakfast. He had a dog to walk til about 10 years ago daily. A few years after the dog died his bp started climbing after his daily walks stopped as well. He frets about his health but unless a dr gives him a script for it he doesn't want to hear it.

I'd venture to say my dad has a dui or two as well judging by the ever increasing amount of scratches, dings & dents on his car. He goes out of his way working at the image he is in full control and knows better than you.

thequest

You can't tell these old fart alcoholics or heavy drinkers anything. They're stubborn as heck. Many seniors are hard enough to deal with since they have the attitude that age allows them to do anything they want irreguardless of consequences. I think they want to project the image they're in control and it hasn't affected them.

SusieC

You're so right! My grandpa was an alcoholic even when he was 86...He always forgot everything and was really paranoid so wasn't capable of living alone...then got Parkinsons and still drank his bottle of vodka every single day. He was much more quiet than in his youth, when he wasn't an elderly yet, he was a violent and agressive alcoholic, when he was older, he just drank his bottle, lied down and slept. When it was clear to everyone that he is dying, his ex-wife gave up and bought him booze anyway...When someone has a few days to live, it's probably too late to sober up. (he escaped from the hospital several times to buy some vodka and then tried to sneak back in with it...)

tromboneliness

Yup. When my Dad was in his final stage, we got him a pint of Jack Daniel's, and left it in the fridge, instructing his home-care nurses that if he wanted a snort, to let him have one, even if it was with a spoon or whatever -- what harm would there be? Unfortunately, they didn't do it -- when he died, the Jack was still unopened in the fridge.

We scattered my Dad's ashes in and along the river in the town where he grew up. A couple of weeks ago, I poured the whiskey into a river that feeds into it. So he finally got a snort. No harm in that (since, as you guys probably remember, he was a Superior Form of Life™ and therefore had no need for "recovery," there being nothing to "recover" from)....

T

SusieC

Yes, I know what you mean, my grandpa's ex-wife put in a small bottle of vodka in the coffin too. After all, it IS something that was with him nearly all his life, something that he loved dearly and what gave him comfort... It's a sad and nice gesture at the same time

thequest

That nails it! My father is a pretentious snob most of time. I think it's the persona he uses to project the image of control. He trys to turn everything you say into an academic debate then he starts ranting then it's a grand conspiracy. He doesn't know squat or can't even figure out squat but you don't know anything because he knows everything.

SusieC

I'm always amazed to see that I'm not alone and others experienced the same things too! This is a situation I know too well unfortunately
Especially the grand conspiracy! He's drunk every single day, ruins our life, yet he's hurt because we are mad at him "for no reason" and we singled him out to make his life miserable when he's such a good man, always wants to do good things to everyone...I'm half laughing half crying when I think about this, I wonder if he ever realized that he does have a problem...? They live in their own little and very strange world, don't they? The problem is that they want us with them in that world...

thequest

I never realized how much a problem my dad had until mom passed away. She always used to say similar things like 'all he wants to do his come home and drink' or ' he's pecular at times '. I think that was mom's way of saying I think he has an alcohol problem if not something else.

I've wondered for years at this point how he eluded a catastrophic event or period of time where his drinking cost him or us. Made me realize how much mom did or actually ran the show. She had to be the one that kept the family & him out of trouble. My dad hates to do taxes yet he managed small businesses all his life and mom who had nothing to do with math or business always managed the finances and did things like taxes (sometimes with help). But she never pawned them off on anyone. He does it to this day.

I guess his drinking was why he never worked for a big company always working at smaller companies. He worked in era where you didn't need college degrees the way you do now. Even had some college but never made the bigtime(although he knows everything). I think the drinking is why he never owned a business or got a promotion or request to work at a large career oriented company(over heard mom say things like 'what he did with his life')

I refuse to use the term 'high functioning' but he did get by somehow. But that's all he did-just get by.

NYCDoglvr

It helps to put alcoholics in the right category. We're addicts. My personal drug of choice was alcohol but it could just as easily been drugs. Same thing.

When I stopped drinking 20 years ago, I began craving sugar. My sponsor called it "trading up addictions". Then I went through a phase of shopping.

Like most alcoholics I didn't want to be present for my life: I was self-medicating to avoid pain.

Perhaps looking at the disease of alcoholism from this standpoint will help.

SusieC

Thank you for the input! I'm desperately trying to understand the alcoholic's mind so I can get answers to the whys of my childhood and my life. I also try not to be judgemental, not to condemn my A family members but I still have so much resentment...