marie78

I'm 32 and grew up with an alcoholic step-father in an otherwise extremely dysfunctional family. My biggest issue in my adult life is my inability to trust others. I have never had a long term relationship and lately even friendships do not seem to last me very long. I feel like no one I meet can even begin to fathom the kind of strange and troublesome family I grew up in, which has left me with deep scars and insecurities in my adult life. The few times that I have trusted others in the past, I trusted the wrong people, which only left me feeling more alone. The things I told in confidence were often used against me to humiliate me. I always fear that this will happen again.

I am lonely but not for a romantic partner to fulfill my life, just for someone, anyone to say, I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND YOU. You're not a loser. You're not a freak. You're not a bad person. You can trust me, I won't sell you out. I'm sick of people misunderstanding and judging me without knowing anything about my life. I feel like I can't explain why I am the way I am with the average every day people I meet and that leaves me feeling very very alone. All of my acquaintances and former friends are moving on with their lives and I feel like I have been stuck in third gear for years now. I want to move on too, but I have no idea how. I've had only bad experiences when I've tried to seek help and open up to others in the past. I just feel utterly lost, alone, and disheartened.

Can anyone relate to what I am saying???

thank you

tromboneliness

I hear you. Grew up stuffing my feelings and basically raising myself -- I figured if I stuck completely to myself, I wouldn't get hurt. I figured out ways of playing almost any sport by myself out in the yard. (Football was fun: drop back to pass, throw the ball WAAAAY high in the air, then run-run-run and catch my own pass. Baseball? That was easy -- hit fungoes at a target. Stuff like that.) I became a bowler, which I still do -- because you can do it alone!

Never had anything even vaguely resembling a date until I was 30. As it turned out, I have a wedding ring on my finger, because at 30, I met another adult-child-of-alcoholic, but one who was an alkie herself and for various reasons, met me halfway. But that was only by dumb luck -- I cling to my marriage, because I know that if anything happened to it, I could never do it again.

In ACoA (Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.), they say our lives are characterized by an attitude of "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel." That was me. Sound familiar? I strongly recommend finding a local meeting -- you'll meet others who are in the same boat.

Anyhow, I also feel like a loser, a freak, and a bad person at times -- but neither you nor I is anything of the sort!

T

tabfan

I get it. I understand you. You're NOT a loser. You're not a freak. You're not a bad person.

I have those feelings at times. Coming from the chaos we were raised in, it's a wonder we can function at all!

Both my parents were alcoholic. Although I love them both (deceased) there is no way I can honestly say I got what I needed. That is my "LOT" in life. I did NOT get what I needed.

I found the ACOA program in 1986. Or, rather, it found me. And, I will be forever grateful! It has saved my life. I'm sure I would have committed suicide by now. Life has done a complete 180-degree turn. Life still has ups and downs, but by learning about the unhealthy patterns of alcoholic thinking (and behavior), I have started to make some sense of my life. I'm not using my parents as excuses; After all, I'm sure they did not WANT to be harmful parents! By their preoccupation with the alcoholic and their behavior, it allowed us (my siblings & me) to go without proper security and protection. I was physically abused, but I have heard rumours about others in my immediate family got sexually abused. It pains me to think how this could have happened to my dear brothers and sisters!



When I first stepped into an ACOA meeting, they talked about trust. They said: "At first we learn to trust God, however long that takes (two days or two years - don't matter how long it takes). Then, we learn to trust ourselves, no matter how long that takes. Then, last but now least, we learn to trust OTHER PEOPLE. The problem is, we usually try to trust others before anyone else and we choose untrustworthy people and we get hurt.

I learned so much in those first three years! Wish I had time to write more but alas, it is time to go back to work. (I'm on afternoon break right now!)


Later ~ -tabfan

marie78

Thank you for your response. That is a great point you bring up. I definitely tried to trust others before trusting myself or even God. Often I knew in my gut that the people I was trusting were not good for me and did not have my best interest at heart. I have tried to use more discretion and trust my intuition more now. I regret some of the personal things I told to people who really did not care about me in the way that I deserve, but I guess I have to chalk that up to the kind of people THEY are, not the kind of person I am. It's sad that when people betray us and treat us poorly we think that is a reflection on who we are rather than the other way around, which it is.

The thing is, if anyone asks why I don't date or have many friends I say it's because I don't want to. But the fact is, I would love to have a great friend or partner in my life. Who wouldn't? I just don't trust myself yet to choose a really great one and I'm still working on feeling good enough about myself to think I even deserve it.

thank you both for your honest responses. they've really made me feel heard and less alone.

blessings to you,

Clean4ever

Freak? Loner? Loser? Weird? Sounds like How others use to think of me myself included. I understand you 100%....Were not freaks. Mostly misunderstood. I was the youngest of 4 in a house full of violence, threats, and fear. Till this day Im so afraid. Afraid to TRUST. Afraid to FEEL. Afraid to be hurt again...again...again...So I hide and run ...ISOLATION... has been my life. Fear has directed me...Im learning how to TRUST again. I have a Sponsor who has helped me get through Steps 1-9..Yes...My Name is Peter F and Im an adult child and recovering addict. When I was a boy silience was the best way to cope. Im still struggling but learning to be gentle with myself. Making amends to myself and dealing with my defects has been a rough road. Im also dealing with a mood disorder which makes recovery difficult at times. Thanks for this thread and be well...Clean

aasharon90

There will be a day when your
fears will subside and that feeling
will be a freeing feeling.

It has finally happened to me
some 50 yrs down the road
and 20 yrs. sober.

I had to undergo lots of changes
in my life to finally reach this
awesome reward.

For some, fear will disappear quicker
than it has for me and when it does
you will know it.

Today I am blessed with a second
marriage, newly married 2 yrs ago
after ending a 25 yr marriage.

Today I have a wonderful gift....
my new spouse who understands
me and loves me. Most of all he
tells me he does so I can hear
it.

It comes from his heart and is
very sincere.

Ive been hurt in the past as
young as a little girl by the parent
whom all i wanted was love
from. My mom hurt me verbally
and emotionally for many yrs.

I went on 2 marry a nice man and had
a lovely little family but the understanding
and support that I was so desperately
seeking was lacking sad to say.

Over the years I continue to
learn about ACOA because I
am one 2.

Im no gonna be a victim
for the rest of my life but
rather a winner and surviver
as I have been for the past
20 yrs in recovery.

You are on ur way.

Amerce72

How are you doing, Marie?

I can ABSOLUTELY relate to what you're saying.

I don't really know anyone who grew up in a situation like mine, so revealing what my childhood was like is very hard to do. It's pretty humiliating.

I've also felt very alone for a long time. There was a lot of raising myself, you know? And I still feel like an insecure teenager, though I'm almost 30.
I have also trusted the wrong people, and have had bad experiences because of it.
Finally (FINALLY!) there has been a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I've finally found a nice person who loves and supports me. It took a while.

Just thought I'd throw in my thoughts. You are DEFINITELY not alone.
Would like to see how you're doing this week.

marie78

Thanks, Amerce

Today has been an especially bad day. Being back with my family is really wearing me down mentally and emotionally. There is so much drama going on here. Yet I don't have the strength or the means to leave. I back in school now trying to finally finish up my bachelor's degree. I'm unemployed and there seems to be no prospects. I feel like I will never get out of here. I'm starting to feel that kind of suicidal depression I haven't felt in years. It's all just unraveling and I have no one I can trust or speak to. I want to see a therapist but I have no means to pay. I have tried at least 6 times in the past to find a therapist, but none of them ever clicked with me. I just feel desperate and lost all the time. I've pushed all my friends away and most were never really true friends to begin with.

I'm just feeling very sorry for myself today and I can't seem to pull myself up.

marie78

oh, I realize I didn't explain that in this post. But since I've been unemployed for over a year, I lost my apartment and had to come back to my mom's house. The trouble here is no longer alcoholism, but there is no shortage of drama. someone is always shouting, fighting, arguing. My younger brother hates me and I don't even have a bedroom because my mom rented out my room when I left home years ago. I have no privacy whatsoever. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose my mind. I just want peace and an end to all this constant struggling.