Codependent Parent and Child Relationship?

Old 02-16-2011, 10:21 AM
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Codependent Parent and Child Relationship?

I'm going to try and make this as brief as I can.
Basically, my mother and I have no real relationship. We didn't do the stuff mothers and daughters do together, she didn't even help me pick out my wedding dress, or help me when my babies were born. I have initiated plenty of talks regarding us working on our relationship, blah blah.
Now I'm 37, with a 16 year old daughter. Ever since I had her, I've tried to be a better mom than my mother was. My biggest fear is her and I not being close. Well, over the past few years, she has had a rough road, made some really bad decisions, and gets bad grades etc..
I guess, the bottom line is that when shes unhappy I'm unhappy. When she is making bad decisions in her life, and being self destructive, I find myself in a black hole of depression. I completely shut down, obsess about what I can do differently, if I did something to make her this way, how I can help, or who I can talk to about helping her. I actually have a really great life, but when shes on the downslide, I cant escape depression. My happiness completely depends on her happiness.
I have gone above and beyond to do things for her. I try and stay one step ahead of her. Basically I try and control her, and we all know that doesnt work!
I cant find anything about codependency and this mother/child dynamic. I think its different than being in an adult relationship. When youre a parent, there has to be certain things you control, but I think I might take it too far. I dont know... I just want to be able to seperate myself from her and her issues.
Any comments or ideas??
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Old 02-18-2011, 12:15 PM
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Julez,

Have you looked at the Big Red Book?
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunction.

I have not read the entire book yet, I am just on the part addressing how we pass down our learned behaviors to our children. By using the steps in the BRB, I hope I can forgive myself for the way I passed on dysfunction and learn new ways to behave as a good parent.

Beth
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Old 02-18-2011, 01:19 PM
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julez - My 22 year old son and I are deeply co-dependent. I relate 100% to this post from the F&F forum.....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...our-child.html
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:38 AM
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Thanks, and yes wicked, I have just been introduced to the Big Red Book. A couple gals from one of my AA meetings just started a CoDA group, and I'm really excited about it.
And glitter, I'm gonna read that link right now. Thanks!!
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:42 AM
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Wow glitter....thats me!!!
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:52 AM
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julez, that's what I love about the forums here (and being in recovery with others in general). I will be all caught up with some kind of poop in my head and BAM! Along comes someone who posts or talks about EXACTLY what I'm thinking or feeling. It's such a relief to identify a problem...put a name to it. It gives me the chance to work on something more concrete to turn my life around.
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Old 02-20-2011, 06:47 PM
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uh yeah come join all us codependant parents on the friends and family forum!
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Old 02-21-2011, 06:34 AM
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Really? My daughter doesn't use or drink, so I didn't think that was where I was supposed to be.. I''l check it out though! Thank you!!
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Old 02-21-2011, 11:03 AM
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My daughter doesn't use or drink, so I didn't think that was where I was supposed to be..
It is amazing on Friends and Family julez. Lots of help and support for parents.
I am recovering and so is my daughter, and I have gotten so much help and relief from reading the posts there.
I wish I had meetings here.
Maybe go back to AA for support..

Beth
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Old 02-21-2011, 11:55 AM
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Thanks Wicked. I'll start reading more there.
I do go to AA, but I feel that when I talk about my daughter that I'm "dumping" and that it may not be the place for it.
A CoDA meeting just started last week, the hour before an AA meeting I usually attend. I went, and it was really good. There were only 5 of us, so we all got to share a fair amount about our childhoods etc. I'm hoping that I will learn some tools there.
A couple examples of the last week~
My daughter got a new boyfriend, who is really nice, and good. EXACT opposite of what she has been. So, I'm happy that he will be a positive influence on her, so what did I do??? Instead of being a good mom and saying just be who you are, I told her what to do and what not to do in order to keep him around. Sick of me....
She was grounded for about 4 months, and finally got some freedom back. She went out to eat with a few friends, and texted me about 6 times in the 2 hours she was gone... What normal teenager who practically just got out of jail, does that??
Its gonna take a while to change my habits.....
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