Grieving the loss of the angel to rescue yourself from the devil
 

Yesterday was a good day with my AM...as I say that right now that seems unfair. These titles we place, my AM my AF me the ACA. Like it sums them up as a person. The problem is when you're face with a mother who is destroying you, but there were times she was your best friend. There were the times she was vivacious and loving and sweet and everything anyone may ever want in a mother. But those times are fewer than the others.
I'm attempting as best I can to set boundaries and take care of myself so I can better enjoy the good times, and not fall into the bad times. However in order to get away from the bad I miss some good. In order to see some good I get some extra bad.
Until I can find more peace within myself I have decided to give some space from myself and my mother. Yet today when I woke up I was upset and couldn't figure out why. It was because yesterday she was my mom, not the alcoholic. I know their all one in the same but when they act so differently, it makes it harder.
So here I sit on my couch watching "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" a movie that has entirely too many parrallels for me, I realized why I'm sad. It would be easier if she was an AM and never just my mother. It would be easier if she was never the amazing person that has everything I wish I could be. Sadly because she's never found recovery that is also wrapped up and entwined in the pain and hardship she has never attempted to release.
So today I'm allowing myself something different then I ever thought. I am letting myself grieve. Grieve for the amazing woman who is dead 80% of the time.

((( payne)))

I remember those days with my mother. One day the playmate and best friend the next ..well you know. I went through the same with my AH this past year. I realize that this is the disease concept in action - progressive downward spiral where the bad days grow in number and the good ones disappear.

Grieving is an apt word for it. Learning to become friends with the space between you - did I say "friends" really mean "comfortable". In time that space will become filled with a real friend and better times. Maybe even more of you in your life. Space can be a really good thing because it allows room for new and other things to fill it. If you don't have that space available then someone or something else can't move into your life.

It is a process because the memories remain a part of us but this time allows us to decide how they will guide us in this life. Seems like you are recognizing this.

Keep going to meetings and find new parts of yourself to share with others. Discover new interests that will expand who you are. I can say this because what got me through this at the time is this: when I became a mother I realized that all I wanted was to do the best for my kids - I may not have always done that but the intent was there - so I thought of my mother and her intent and realized that if she were advising at the time - she wouldn't want me to be in a situation where I was getting hurt - so I surmised that she would understand that I needed the distance for my own good.

I hope that helps and that you continue to have better days.

Well, Kassie.
This is fantastic, thank you for this.
Beth

Thanks guys, its difficult but my placing of space between us has been more progressive than her behavior :). I intend to keep that up.

This is a very interesting and difficult process! I too see my mother, the kind, caring and intelligent woman, as someone totally different than the person that usually haunts this house and those living inside it. I cannot stand to be in the same room with that person, looking into those big empty eyes and wait for her to finish a sentence that my mother could have finished in half the time. I hate that woman and wish she weren't there. Nothing about her is the same, not her facial expressions or even her voice. The feeling of having to miss someone for weeks while in fact they're standing right in front of you is unbearable.
Sadly the days where I get to spend time with my real mom are far and few in between and sometimes it is even difficult for me to distinguish between my mother and the alcoholic that has taken over her body. And so I have also said goodbye to her, 80% of the time... I love the days where she is actually back, but it is so difficult at the same time to simply forget about what happens between those times where I get to see her.

Detachment is a good thing, but very difficult!
Good luck :)

I said goodbye to my mother and the alcoholic in sept of last year. One of the hardest things I've ever done. I miss my mom like crazy....insane crazy at moments but I have to keep myself from calling her b/c that woman is gone and I'll never see her again unless she can sober up. The line between mom and alcholic blurred when she fell off the wagon two years ago....I dealt with it for two years until I just couldn't face the alcoholic in her anymore and I decided that my 3 year old son should never have to experience a two sided grammy (what I saw as a child).
Just as Smithers said "Detachment is a good thing, but very difficult!"