Alice74

My father was supposed to turn 65 yesterday. Instead, he died at 51, in his bed, alone, due to alcoholism. Almost all the memories I have of him are sad and bad ones; being violent to my mother. Being unable to get up because he was so drunk. Leaving me and my sister alone in the house (we were 6 and 8) to go to the pub, coming home in the middle of the night, dragging us out of our beds to put them in his' because he was scared to be alone.

I wish I could say it didn't affect me. But I think it did. When I read the 13 characteristics, I cried because it felt like looking in the mirror. 'Hey, that's me!' What a sad conclusion.

For the outside world, I am doing well and sometimes I can actually believe that myself too; I follow my dream. I work hard. I try to cope with my procrastination and insecurity, although they knock me down time after time, but I get up and fight. But it is hard. It is hard to keep fighting. It is hard to keep on going, to pick myself up again and again.

I used to drink (sometimes even a lot), but I found out it only made me depressed and I felt guilty, because every drink brought me closer to my fathers fate: dying in bed alone till someone finds you after a week - closed casket - almost no one at the funeral. Not drinking feels like a relief, because I will not end like my father. But since I quit drinking, which was surprisingly easy, I am facing something else: people who tell me I am a party-pooper because I don't drink. I am overwhelmed by the stench of their alcoholic breaths. And I always had the feeling I didn't fit in, but now I feel even more left out, because I don't do what they do.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of excusing myself and explain why I don't drink. I am tired of getting up in the morning and dragging myself out of bed, not understanding why I seem to not be able to be happy, lighthearted, easy going like other people seem to be.

People come to me for comfort and advise. they say I am positive and brave and that I am an example. They tell me their problems and say I am such a good listener, that I am so good to talk to because I don't judge them. But I feel like a fraud my whole life. Because my mother told me my whole life I look like my father, which basically means I am DOOMED because he was, according to her, aggressive, jealous, short tempered, had no backbone. Whatever I do, it will never be enough, because I look like him.

I don't hate my parents. They did the best they could, but it feels like a heavy burden to carry. I want to be happy, full of energy, I want to finish what I start. I want to embrace my life and live it. Life has not been easy for me. I know it can be harder, but it could've been easier. I wish there was a time I could put down my sword and quit fighting. But I think that day will never come, so I keep on going and try to be proud of myself. I am proud of myself, because of who I am - there is a line in a song that always makes me cry: 'I know they say - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - I must have the heart of a lion.'

That is me. I have the heart of a lion.

coyote21

You remind me of myself in my 20's, life felt like an uphill struggle. Looking back, I think I was depressed.

Do you have access to therapy?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Payne

Thanks for writing down exactly how I feel and saying it so much better. I won't even begin to give you answers but I'll try to share some things that have helped for me.
I cried like a baby when I read the 13 characteristics, I had lived my whole life assuming I was just wrong, to find out there was a reason was crushing and relieving all at the same time.
The second part about drinking. This Christmas my mother told me I was no fun when I don't drink. My friends could kill her for that statement. I have let a lot of people go in the past year or so, people who didn't support me being happy and better. The friends I have now are far from perfect, but the have been supportive, encouraging, and refuse to give me peer pressure. They have listened to everything I have learned as of late and attempted to not judge. They have even suggested websites and group meetings to go to. Two of them even offered to go with me for moral support to help me go, which I did yesterday . This weekend I went out all weekend and had an absolute blast with my friends, with a focus of not taking myself seriously. I had half a beer all weekend and my friends never said a word one way or another. We laughed and partied, they drank but it didn't affect me. I guess what I'm saying is finding people who may not think the same as me but are comfortable enough with themselves to support my happiness are crucial to dealing.
I remember getting up every morning with nothing to live for and thinking, "am i done yet" I now get up and brush my teeth and try to think of one positive thing. I get breakfast and do the same. Bad days happen for me, some are worse than I could ever wish for. But there truly is something to be said for positive thinking.
I absolutely understand the life you want to have, I'm personally working to do that myself, you're wish is the same as mine. And you're right, you are strong, otherwise you wouldn't have made it this far, and that strength (I SOO HOPE) will help you reach the sunny end of the tunnel that I also pray to find every day.

DesertEyes

Hello there Alice, and welcome to our corner of recovery

That sounds a lot like my story, except my dad made it to 60.

They're not meant to be sad, they're meant to be _encouraging_. If the 13 characteristics fit you then the solution also fits you. You are _not_ crazy, sick, insane, weird, or anything like that. You are a _normal_ person that had a _toxic_ childhood. That "poison" is still in your system. However, like the rest of us here on this forum and in meetings all over the world, you can get rid of that poision and build a good life for yourself.

Yup. Some of us are like that. Good actors on the outside. Have you read about the "roles" of ACoA? Like the "hero child"?

Of course it is. That's because you keep fighting the same enemy, that toxic childhood. If you work a program of recovery, whether it be the ACoA program or therapy or whatever, then the enemy gets weaker and weaker and the fight is easier and easier. Take a little time to read thru all the posts here, you'll see how other people are doing exactly that.

I went thru that too. I decided to find a different group of friends that think like I think about drinking. Meetings of al-anon and ACoA work good for that.

Me too. That's part of that "hero child" thing. It can be very tiring to always be the one that listens and have no one that listens to me.

You keep telling my story I look a _lot_ like my dad. The older I get the more I look like him. I even have some of his health problems. But I decided that my _personality_ was not going to be like him at all. So I got into ACoA and a couple good therapists and today I know I am a completely different person.

That day has come for me. It came when I quit using that sword to slash at the _armor_ of the enemy and instead used it to jab at the _heart_. It took me awhile, but I eventually killed it. I no longer fight against my toxic childhood. It's dead and buried. Now I can use those skills I learned as a child to help people when I _choose_ to help them. I can find good people that make good friends I can trust because I one of those ACoA skills is the ability to sense every last little emotion in another person.

Using the ACoA program and those two therapists I turned that "toxic dragon" I once feared into a powerful horse I can ride. You can too, just like all the rest of us are doing.

In that case, welcome to the castle of the Dragon slayers, Alice the Lion Hearted. <big grin> Set yourself down by the fireplace and make yourself at home. All of us here have shields and swords much like yours, and plenty of "Dragon stories" to share.

ok, enough of me getting a little silly with castles and knights. Yes, you can have a good life, yes you can heal from your childhood, yes you can be that happy, easygoing, lighthearted person you want to be. Start with reading some books on the subject. Have you read any of the books from Claudia Black? How about al-anon's "From Survival to Recovery"?

I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

tabfan

Just "LOOKING like someone" doesn't mean you are going to have the same characteristic traits! You are NOT doomed unless you decide to be.

I was born into an alcoholic home. BOTH my parents were alcoholic. (Now deceased) I loved both my parents. They did what they did.

I became an alcoholic like my parents. I didn't want to go, but my employer insisted I go to a treatment center. I only drank for six or seven years, but that was ENOUGH for me and I quit on my own (white knuckling it - no a.a. program!) I was one angry daughter and when I decided to start drinking it was like throwing in the towel and saying "_ _ _ _ it! It just doesn't matter anymore!"

I thank God I got sent to treatment. It was one of the best things to happen to me. They did NOT send me to a "regular" treatment center since I had quit drinking a year and a half before that. My anger on the job was well-known at that time, and the "Powers That Be" did a little research and sent me to a treatment center for "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents". (I didn't even know there was such a thing! I was angry because I told my boss that I didn't even DRINK anymore!)

It worked.

It has taken work on my part. It hasn't always been easy. Some days are good and some are downright sh*tty.

When I got into the Treatment Center, I found out WHY I had quit drinking "on my own". It was because I was alcoholic. Having will-power to quit has nothing to do with having true sobriety and serenity. Once I learned how to work a good program (as good as I could muster) things started to look up.

While I was in Treatment, I found out I was severely, clinically depressed. This is not the kind of depression that a person gets after a divorce, death, or termination of employment. That kind of depression lasts for a while, but eventually, it starts to let up. Mine was the kind that I was borne with, and I have had it all my life. I got out of treatment and about one year later, my doctor prescribed me with anti-depressants. That has helped a lot.

Alice74

Thank you for replying to my post. It made me feel less sad and really helped me. also it makes me feel less alone, because I have a feeling that you actually understand what I am talking about. Isn't that funny? that I don't actually know you, but we understand each other? Thank you for that, thanks for sharing your feelings with me and giving me advise.

I have been in therapy through the years. It def helped, but at one point I got frustrated because they told me: 'you are like this because of your past and you should give it 'a place' (to make peace with it)'. But no one could answer the question 'how' and that frustrated me.

I did find the 'how' through meditation which I have been doing on and off the past six years. but it is hard to keep up and I keep falling out of it. Which is ok, I guess, because I keep coming back to it too ;-)

I just keep having these bouts of depressed feelings. It used to be worse though, sometimes it lasted for three months when I would lock myself up in the house, curtains drawn and do nothing but read books that I already read and watch movies I already watched. I have a great fear for the unknown, so doing that soothed me, but frustrated me at the same time, because I was longing for creating stuff, but didnt dare to. Because I am a full time writer. I have been for the last six years and have been (commercial wise) very successful, BUT (here comes the BUT :-)) I always worked for someone who would take charge. I had a huge amount of influence in the creative process, but she would always be on the reigns and lead the project.

Now I have the opportunity to do a project all by myself and it is the most scary thing ever. I keep procrastinating, doubting myself, punishing myself, killing the project before it is born. It is a self fulfilling prophesy: here I am with a major book deal from a publisher and a lot of time I am wasting my time not working on the book I am supposed to write. It makes me so depressed that my fear is so overwhelming.

Somehow when I start something all by myself (and I did in the past, believe me..), I do not finish it because it feels I am a fraud and not a real writer and not good enough etc. Isn't that weird? I know from experience that when I actually work on it (which I have been doing the last couple of days) I feel so much better. But to start and finish my own project is an ordeal. I feel a myriad of negative emotions towards this project that goes from feeling guilty, not grateful, sad, depressed, angry... but mostly their is this dragon (I love this metaphor, thanks for that!) called fear.

I am so scared I will fail this project because of me. That I am in this vicious circle: I am so scared that I don't like what I am writing and that is why it is not good and that makes me scared even more. What a loop!

Do you have any experience with this? Do you have solutions? To slay this so called dragon?

I wish you all the best. thanks again!

Alice the Lion Hearted (I loved that title, thank you for that too!)

tabfan

The one thing that helped me the MOST when I first learned about ACOA issues is a book by Claudia Black. I think it's called "Adult Children of Alcoholics". I'm sorry - my memory is not so good anymore. It was a long time ago. Maybe I don't have the exact title of the book down, but I DO remember I was sitting on the front porch when I started reading the book. I remember tears welling up in my eyes. And, then I remember putting the book down in my lap and just sobbing minutes later! I couldn't believe how I saw myself and my poor siblings in the book. It made me very sad to realize we all were jumping through hoops just trying to make some sense of all that craziness!