reverse

It's easier to smile and say everything is going good when the truth is--it isn't always good--in fact--its pretty ******. There's so many things and the pain just continues to get deeper thru the passage of time. I have 3 beautiful children (technically recently 4--for those who consider a late miscarriage a valid child—of whom I do) who I am so proud of, yet no one even cares to see them grow up--no different than what it was when I was born--the unwanted accident. But worse, I'm somehow to blame. Having a mother who continues her 25+ year career investment in drinking vs. investing in her family, has caused me indescribable pain. I'm tired of everyone who makes excuses for her--while continuing to ignore what it has done to me.

I'm somehow to blame if i'm not the superhero, star child, enabler, a drinker, college graduate, family worshipper, the person who just goes with the flow and shuts her mouth--better yet--the invisible one, or the one who can still make it all happen with no help--and no resources to even do the simple things like travel to a grocery store.

The truth is, who was there to help me succeed at anything? Many of the people of whom I know have had someone there rooting for them along the way (even the very ones who abused and abandoned me)--even if it was something as small as doing their laundry while they went to college, paying for gas, and the list goes on. Who did I have? A mother who continues to drink her life away; a father who abandoned ship when I was 2ish and lived in FL during most of my childhood- who wished his ex-wife would have aborted his first child--wished his ex-wife would never have gotten pregnant b/c kids are such a drain on ur wallet--which I don't understand that either b/c he hardly financially contributed to my life bsides the occasional b-day/xmas gift of $$--and somehow it was all good--that was a 'real'ationship-(wait he did buy me a car he paid $500 for -as a graduation present and the transmission went out less than 2 weeks later leaving me stranded in a grocery store parking lot with no way to get home.) -never was there if I needed help paying a bill--like the hospital one I got when I was in college b/c I was severely dehydrated from studying and working too hard-not taking care of myself, and treated me like I was some kind of mooch for ever asking for anything--and its not like he was broke--i'm not even getting into that issue), and a stepfather who abused me, my mother, and my sister. How in the hell I even made it THIS far is ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD. I've beat most of the odds and most of the statistics--even though many may not see me as having much--especially if they knew the very couch I sit on has holes in it and only cost me $7 at a garage sale. I've never partied, never indulged in irresponsible spending like going into credit card debt and whatever else u can imagine, never lost my house b/c I just didn't feel like working or paying my bills (Yes, I actually have met folks who think they are entitled to this lavish lifestyle), never used the system, never once got into trouble with the law--accept for the time i got stopped by a cop b/c I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign in a town of 2,000 people.

The truth is, no one was there to be excited for me when i got married, no one was there when I had my babies, no one visited me when I attended college--yet demanded I visit them or else I don't care about family--yet I had no money to drive 9+ hours to visit family--what college kids does? (I took 18 credits both semesters 2nd year, and worked over 20 hours a week and STILL HAD NO MONEY--and it wasn't b/c I was partying or buying name brand clothing.)

It's pretty sad when my co-workers have been more excited about my life and my children's milestones than my own family. To my family, I'm the mascot of shame--some sort of embarrassment--the one who doesn't care about family---when the truth is I care too much. I care so much that I can't utter a word without tears falling b/c of how hurt I am by them--I can't even talk about them w/out crying no matter how hard I try. I've been lied about, tarnished in the mud, been called names, cursed in the name of God, strangled, beaten, head bashed, forced to sleep in the same bed (since the age of 4 until 11) with a middle-aged adult male who I was threatened with violence if I didn't call him 'pa'--tho I still stubbornly refused, yet there is something wrong with ME? Why am I so defective? I was never the one throwing the fists, I wasn't the one with assault and battery on my record, I didn't give a 4 year old a bloody nose after she said she wanted her mom and dad to get back together, I didn't drag an 18 year old woman down a flight of stairs by her beautiful long blonde hair, I didn't chase her to the ground and start strangling her b/c she was too scared of going back home, I didn't make bashing a teenage girl's head against the passenger window b4 dropping her back off to school after their orthodontist appointments a frequent occurrence, I didn't make her do my laundry, fold my underwear, cut my hair, get my work uniforms ready--and if they weren't done right 'bop' her on the head with my thick hands', pick up my beer cans, clean the house spotless, make my bed, run my errands b/c I was too hung over and power hungry to do it myself; I didn't pull her teeth out (4 at once to be exact) as a child before they were ready to be pulled--thinking I deserved a trophy prize for accomplishing such an act of rarity--while the child screamed with blood all over her face, I never made my stepkids wait on me hand and feet and call them by their name every 5 minutes to do something for me as I watch t.v. I never threw footballs and basketballs at their heads b/c they weren't fast enough to 'fetch me my ball' so I can prove that I'm better than Larry Bird and make a field goal from a greater distance than the kicker from the Packers team. I never forced a young girl to cook meals for me because my wife was passed out drunk from the night before--not to mention--she'd put up a fight b/c no one makes her do anything she doesn't want to do (yet its ok to let her children get threatened w/ violence if they don’t do what they are forced to do)---and that's a physical fight I just don't feel like getting into right now before work, unless I'm drunk after work--which happens anywhere from 3-5 times a week--tho I probably don't remember or realize how frequent it truly is b/c I'm too drunk to recognize and too hung over to care--tho my step daughter(s) frequently had to physically try to pull me off of their mother to stop me from strangling her to death, distract me, threaten to call the cops (tho the 8 years we lived in the bar, we didn't have a phone, so I didn't have to worry about anyone ever calling the cops on me—tho one time my oldest step daughter ran down the street to call at the phone booth, but I chased her down and beat her with a belt to scare her into submission afterwards--and she never tried to do it again b/c she knew better--tho now she still has everything to do with him and lets him play grandpa for a day or two, tho in her heart--she's never confronted the pain he caused all those years--all the hitting, name-calling, even over something as small as taking a shower 2 days in a row b/c she happened to get her menses.). I never told my oldest daughter (my codependent older sister) to abort her two children because college education is more important than human life--and its really more about me than it is about her--and don't dare tell anyone in the family, etc. (which in reality, I was never going to help her because I’d rather spend my time getting drunk, sleeping, or barely maintaining a minimum wage job at the age of 40 b/c I’m so hung over at work.). I never made my daughter go to the grocery store for 10 years with notes giving my permission to purchase bottles of booze, beer, and cigarettes. I never called everyone in the family telling them that my daughter was chained up in her boyfriend’s basement in a different state—all b/c my daughter won’t call me when I DEMAND she call me—even tho I’m DRUNK AND BELIGERENT 24/7 when I talk to her—and threaten to call the police and report a kidnapping b/c she refuses to call me back—or threaten to get her step dad to ‘kick her ass’ if she doesn’t do what I say when I say it.

So, I'm still trying to get my head around this legacy of falsehood bestowed upon me that is so naturally cherished more than me—This belief system that 'I am the one who doesn't respect the family and care about anyone. I am selfish. I don’t call or keep in touch or go to family gatherings. Doesn’t care if someone might die.’ Well, I’ve often wondered if any one of them have ever thought—what if something happens to Amanda?

I’m tired of this demonization, degradation, and dehumanization. Because of the cherished legacy of alcohol and pride, no one has, nor ever will give a damn if I disappear one day. I’ve been shown more concern by co-workers than my own family members. My grandparents may come to pass some day and still maintain that belief that I am this crazy psycho granddaughter—when they never took the time to find out the truth…only express their disgust with my lack of loyalty, communication, and rebellion…and the fact that a prerequisite to gaining their approval is to not fight with my sibling—to which they only listened to her lies (b/c if she really told the truth, she knows she would not get their favor—of how degrading she was when I didn’t do what she thought I should with my life---or rent her home—tho I couldn’t afford it and wanted to move into an apartment—or make me pick up her dog’s **** in her yard when I’m 7 months pregnant—b/c she’s too prissy to pick up her own dog’s ****, or scream in my face when I’m trying to breastfeed my 4 month old with my 21 month old running around in the background wondering my mommy is upset and getting yelled at—and the list goes on.)—I need to tolerate her disrespect—in order to get love from them. I even offered to come see them one time—since it’d been over 7 years since they last saw me, and they told me not to visit and said they didn’t want to see me and meet their 2 great grandchildren for the first time b/c they didn’t want to offend their alcoholic daughter (my mother)—since she hadn’t yet seen me—which she hadn’t yet seen me at the time b/c she’s too drunk and hung over to get her driver’s license to drive herself to come and visit—she expected me to visit her and drive there…or just go with the flow and be around my step dad who drives her around and let him be around my children—calling him grandpa.

Now I understand that all families each have their own issues to iron out and patch up from time to time. But I’m tending to think that these issues need more than just a little bit of ironing and sewing—and that after over 25 years, its no longer my fault anymore. It’s no longer my responsibility, nor my burden to carry. I don’t have to live with someone else’s consequences just because they don’t want to live with their own.

Some people may think I’m weird or different—b/c truthfully I don’t always know how to act or what to say or b/c I’m so quiet. Sometimes I’m this close to losing it and trying so hard just to get thru the day b/c of all the pain I’m still carrying. I’ve been through so much that I just need rest from all of the madness. I’m terrified to death of being abused and misused again. Ever try to adopt a dog (or a child even) who was mistreated for many years? He/she isn’t very open and trusting—keeps everyone at a distance—he might even snap at your or bite b/c he’s so used to being backed into a corner, but eventually he’ll trust you once you show him you are genuine. Kind of the same thing with me. Not to mention, small talk hasn’t ever come naturally with me considering my mind is usually engorged with deep and serious topics-like world peace…tho we all know I won’t save the world—I’m not THAT powerful. I just hope some idiots don’t nuke us all—which could very likely happen when considering the way the human race likes to get things done sometimes.

So yea, this has been just the tip of the ice berg of the pain I’m going thru. A lot has transpired since I last posted in this forum. I’ve been going to counseling for the last 6 months or so…but I just can’t seem to get rid of the pain—like its too much sometimes…the only way to get thru is to block it out temporarily and its enough to drive me to drink…tho drinking would be my demise…and is something I’ve despised at a young age. I’ve only drank 1 or 2 times in my life and it was when I was a teenager—and I have no alcohol around…don’t want to raise my children that way, either. But the pain is terribly immense w/ each passing day. It’s hard knowing that not ONE family member wants to have anything to do w/ me—blames me for why I don’t come around, never took the time to ‘listen’ or talk to me….let alone see how gorgeous my 3 children are. It’s more painful than anything I felt growing up---i never thought I’d go thru this much pain in my early adulthood—having children etc.

I just don’t get it and want to know what I can do to get the pain to stop.
I have so much pent up rage and pain...and it just keeps accumulating. I'll cry or get angry and think I'm over it, but then it will pop back up again. *sigh

NorthernLight

Oh wow. I felt pretty similar to this this morning- in fact, was punching the wall in my shower in a rage just thinking about my family. My mother is the user, father is the enabler, I am the family hero, and my brother is the super social joke-ster who is decending into alcoholism himself. I was never explicitly told I was an 'accident', but the shot gun wedding my parents had is kind of an indicator and there are the subtleties you learn to pick up on that tell you you're just too much to deal with/you're just getting in the way of their drinking. It is especially difficult this time of year as I will be traveling home for Christmas.

I haven't posted in a while either. I've been attending therapy for about a year and half. These feelings don't go away. You just bring an awareness to them and learn to accept them and not judge yourself for them is incredibly helpful and gives some power to this seemingly helpless situation back to you.

It is great that you have supportive co-workers and children for whom you are giving a supporting life to. You can't control where you came from. Creating your own way of life and family are great ways to separate from your destructive past. Because of the lack of support I get from my family, I have begun to consider my closest friends my family. I too have trouble with small talk and am very quiet, but if you put yourself out there even when you feel anxious, you'll find people who are just as lost as you and need someone just as much as you and that is a beautiful thing.
Society in the US especially seems to portray extroversion as the ideal or standard model that everyone should live up to. What comes with being quiet and a deep thinker does benefit us in many ways that we may not even realize/recognize. It's probably a contributing factor to why you don't drink. While it may even be a burden sometimes, I just think about how I might be like my mother or brother and descend into my own alcoholism if I didn't have my natural tendencies toward introspection.

Your post has helped me a lot this morning. I woke up feeling enraged and like I couldn't talk to anyone about this, and then I read this and I felt like some of it was coming from my own mouth. So thank you . It's good to know we are not alone in these feeling. I hope you feel better.

justjo

Wow Reverse, after reading your post I was blown away. Im sorry you had to go through all of this and I really understand how it has affected you. I didnt go threw any physical abuse or anything like that. I get the trust thing though, (wont go into details) but find it difficult to trust people too. It affects our lives so much, not trusting and I dont like it at all. The one thing that has kept me ok, I guess, is my children. I make sure they know I love them and support them.
You cant choose family and theres no point in saying forget the past, because it is apart of us. But I can forgive my parents for not showing any love or affection. I just slowly accepted that whatever they were going through or grew up with made them who they are and thats alright. Its what I decided for my life that matters. I said to myself, its ok, I do love my parents even with their faults and sometimes I just dont understand my mum at all but I tell myself its who she is and I can be better than that. I will consider myself and my family and love them dearly. Thats all I can do.
You have alot of baggage there obviously with your family, it hurts I know, but can you 'wrap it all up in one big bundle, throw it in the bin and wipe your hands of it, turn around, smile and hold your head high. You are so worth it girl, you sound like a wonderful person. JJ

tabfan

reverse,

You are on the right path! Keep those emotions coming out.

When I first started to learn about my "dysfunctional family of origin" I thought: "So THAT'S why I am the way I am! It wasn't a defect of my character - It's just what happens to ANY kid who grows up with insanity!

It took me a long time to diffuse the anger. I had times of rage. I had times when something would trigger my emotions and I would blow off some steam! That wasn't the best way to handle my pen-up rage, but it had to get out of there SOMEHOW! I thank God I had ACOA meetings in our small town. They helped me so much! I cried a lot during the first couple years. Maybe some people heal faster than I do, but that was MY experience!

They used to tell me in ACOA that there is "no way to get through the pain without feeling it. You can't go over it, under it, or around it without feeling it. The only way through it is THROUGH it. I didn't like the sounds of that, but it helped. It worked. I felt like a pressure cooker before that. I thank God that I found the program before my rage got out of control.

So....don't worry. You are on the right track. Tell your therpist / friend / sponsor all about what emotions you are dealing with. Don't hold back. You are worth the effort.

reverse

So glad I was able to help u...in some ways its hard to pull out and sort out thru our own feelings....which can be all the more enraging to an already enraging and unfair scenerio!

I am feeling better...i went to my counselor the next day and was able to sort things out better...and realize my own importance...see the addiction charactistics and attitudes for what they are vs. continuing the chain of personalizing everything to my own demise. In non-addicted families...we would normally want to take everything to heart, but since that's not the case, in order to take care of ourselves, sometimes we have to take what they think/say with a grain of salt...as if a deranged/beligerent drunk approached u in the street saying u owe him/her this...u should do this/that OR ELSE...blabla...and just be like....no, I don't have to internalize this and take it to heart--b/c u are the one w/ the problem and I WILL NOT ALLOW U to put the blame on me ANYMORE. Just a little step I'm learning that is really helping to empower me, give me confidence...not get caught up in the crazy making...and help me sort thru and release and cope w/ the pain.

I know what u mean about holidays...b-days too is the same for me...mother's day, father's day...etc. It's like a depression that comes over me and I can't control it....but each day at a time I am learning and trying to move forward...primarily for the sake of my husband and children...and of course..myself. But some days will be hard...so we learn to try to take it in stride...even if it means I just need a little bit more sleep that day. Things like that.

I love what u said: "These feelings won't go away. You just bring an awareness to them and learn to accept them and not judge yourself for them is incredibly helpful and gives some power to this seemingly helpless situation back to you."

I am really glad I was able to put some of ur feelings and frustrations into words. I, too have showered many times breaking down and crying every year...the pain sweeps over me like a huge rush....from trying to be strong for too long. I have learned to just be gentle and let it flow thru...its ok to cry, or get angry--the only way out is thru those emotions; nothing good will come from denying them or burying them.

Much love and grace to u. So glad and thankful for u sharing. Merry Christmas and many blessings to you.

PS: Writing has helped me a lot--I wrote the following piece some time last year about my alchoholic mother:


To Nurture or Too Toxic?

As a young girl, there was no nurturance.
The only nurturance permitted was that of the bottle;
As if it somehow held memories so sacred and fondly remembered.
As if it somehow contained liquid gold so precious, pure, and rare.
As if it somehow had faith in God.
As if it somehow transcended time and people into everything worth honoring and respecting.
As if truth was ever so potent.
The truth is the truth was potently not present
It was its own religion-feening only on dictation
The transcendence of time and people were never revered.
Memories violently blocked
Purity easily contaminated
Innocence not permitted
Feelings...
most of all feelings
non-existence
No feeling no feeling
no concern
no cares
no protection
truth barricaded
voice vaulted
trapped forever in a sea of violation
Rage, ahh yes, the rage....the only comfort I knew for so many years.
An enigma that comforted and swallowed my tears
night after night.
Choking all roots of rationale.
Aborting the birth of endearment.
Generating fantasy after fantasy of escape.
Escape from the one who stifles.
The one who smothers.
The one who manipulates me to do what they want when they tell me to.
The one who dictates the outcome of my every waking moment or else punishment will be impossible to evade.