broken children become broken adults-long!
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broken children become broken adults-long!
I could not sleep tonight. Found myself worrying about things I have no control over-mostly my adult children. I have recently begun to work very hard on not trying to fix everything in their lives. I feel that treating them as adults and respecting their right to make their own choices will result in good feelings between us- I mean even more good, for we have always been close. but they have been trying to get me to see that I have had an unhealthy anxiety, and my "constant advice" makes them feel like children, and resentful.
With that said, I went on to think about my mistakes, where my kids are concerned. Growing up in a two alcoholic parent home really worked a number on me. I realize that I was a broken child- not given any of the things that I would need to take good care of myself. I guess that is why I have made many of the mistakes that I have.
It hurts now, to know that I did not even know what love was, really, and went from relationship to relationship. I was looking for someone to adore me, to protect me, to take care of me- I did not have the slightest idea that I could take care of myself in this world. And when I met someone who cared, my lack of trust just made it impossible to have a relationship. I never felt safe, and felt that I had to control the person, in order for them to love me, and so they would not find someone else that they wanted more. This behavior, obviously, pushed my partner away.
To be fair to myself, I picked less than perfect men- probably someone like my dad. But not drinkers! I surely could not trust them! But, usually, it was a relationship begun on the physical. I did not know much else, but sex is easy to understand. I attracted men who wanted an attractive person, and my caretaking nature was nice for them, too. But, I just never could trust.
I wish I could have been strong, and aware of boundaries. I wish they had not seen their mom being such an insecure person. They were all from my first marriage, and they were young when I divorced. he was not a bad guy, but he was always gone, fishing or hunting, or in his garage. i could wonder if it was because i was difficult. but he has never been there for his kids either. i just figured that if I had to be by myself all the time, that i was going to just get out, and maybe find someone who did love me.
I had gotten married at 16,to get away from my mom. my first child at 20 showed me what real love was. my children have been my life. during my marriage, I had gotten involved with a religious group who told me that if we left that church, we were damned. and i guess i felt lost and went overboard. i had been brainwashed, and it was a while before I could come to terms with it. so, maybe the rejection made me feel rebellious? could that be the case?
I tried to give my kids what I never had, but it was not easy on one small paycheck. I married about 8 years after my divorce from their dad, and he was a good guy, but my jealousy and insecurity ruined that. conselling did not help. it was like my very soul was made up of fear. I had a problem with my husbands lying about porn- before we married, he claimed to be a religious man, and not into that, but I found a movie in his living room, and he admitted that he had indulged in that. I went nuts, inside. i hated to think of having to compete with someone else. I was a child in so many ways.
I am just sad tonight, that i feel that alcohol has ruined my life. It ruined one aspect of it, anyway. I have been blessed with three children that i love and they love me. grandbabies have added the icing to the cake. but I feel that I have been a total failure in the area of love and marriage.
What the he!! happened to me, to turn me into such a freak in that way? I dont know anyone who was more insecure than me, if they were , they weren't admitting it. I have asked many people along the years about it, and they all have advice, but nothing, and I mean , nothing ever helped.
so, even tho I am not in a relationship, maybe that still affects how i feel about myself? I always felt like I had a ""dirty little secret", and that if they knew how I was, they would not want to become involved. It was so bad that my girls would warn me, saying, "mom, you know how you're so insecure, how are you gonna handle this". boy, not much of an example for my daughters.
i dont know why this is hitting me tonight. maybe cause i am trying to become aware of my feelings, and to learn how to deal with them. My son is an alcoholic, i am sure, and i am dealing with learning detachment. i guess i am feeling like i failed him, somehow, and that is why he is so mixed up.
thank you , for reading this. i feel like i have shared something i should not have, but maybe it will be a good thing.
I do wish to say that me and my kids always were pretty happy, and laughed, and talked, and did things together, cause i wanted to be everything to them that my parents were not to me. I know they love me, but i feel like the child sometimes. i guess that means that they have some skills that I dont have yet, and i am happy about that, anyway!
Thank you for reading, and hopefully, I will be understood by someone out there.
hugs, chicory
With that said, I went on to think about my mistakes, where my kids are concerned. Growing up in a two alcoholic parent home really worked a number on me. I realize that I was a broken child- not given any of the things that I would need to take good care of myself. I guess that is why I have made many of the mistakes that I have.
It hurts now, to know that I did not even know what love was, really, and went from relationship to relationship. I was looking for someone to adore me, to protect me, to take care of me- I did not have the slightest idea that I could take care of myself in this world. And when I met someone who cared, my lack of trust just made it impossible to have a relationship. I never felt safe, and felt that I had to control the person, in order for them to love me, and so they would not find someone else that they wanted more. This behavior, obviously, pushed my partner away.
To be fair to myself, I picked less than perfect men- probably someone like my dad. But not drinkers! I surely could not trust them! But, usually, it was a relationship begun on the physical. I did not know much else, but sex is easy to understand. I attracted men who wanted an attractive person, and my caretaking nature was nice for them, too. But, I just never could trust.
I wish I could have been strong, and aware of boundaries. I wish they had not seen their mom being such an insecure person. They were all from my first marriage, and they were young when I divorced. he was not a bad guy, but he was always gone, fishing or hunting, or in his garage. i could wonder if it was because i was difficult. but he has never been there for his kids either. i just figured that if I had to be by myself all the time, that i was going to just get out, and maybe find someone who did love me.
I had gotten married at 16,to get away from my mom. my first child at 20 showed me what real love was. my children have been my life. during my marriage, I had gotten involved with a religious group who told me that if we left that church, we were damned. and i guess i felt lost and went overboard. i had been brainwashed, and it was a while before I could come to terms with it. so, maybe the rejection made me feel rebellious? could that be the case?
I tried to give my kids what I never had, but it was not easy on one small paycheck. I married about 8 years after my divorce from their dad, and he was a good guy, but my jealousy and insecurity ruined that. conselling did not help. it was like my very soul was made up of fear. I had a problem with my husbands lying about porn- before we married, he claimed to be a religious man, and not into that, but I found a movie in his living room, and he admitted that he had indulged in that. I went nuts, inside. i hated to think of having to compete with someone else. I was a child in so many ways.
I am just sad tonight, that i feel that alcohol has ruined my life. It ruined one aspect of it, anyway. I have been blessed with three children that i love and they love me. grandbabies have added the icing to the cake. but I feel that I have been a total failure in the area of love and marriage.
What the he!! happened to me, to turn me into such a freak in that way? I dont know anyone who was more insecure than me, if they were , they weren't admitting it. I have asked many people along the years about it, and they all have advice, but nothing, and I mean , nothing ever helped.
so, even tho I am not in a relationship, maybe that still affects how i feel about myself? I always felt like I had a ""dirty little secret", and that if they knew how I was, they would not want to become involved. It was so bad that my girls would warn me, saying, "mom, you know how you're so insecure, how are you gonna handle this". boy, not much of an example for my daughters.
i dont know why this is hitting me tonight. maybe cause i am trying to become aware of my feelings, and to learn how to deal with them. My son is an alcoholic, i am sure, and i am dealing with learning detachment. i guess i am feeling like i failed him, somehow, and that is why he is so mixed up.
thank you , for reading this. i feel like i have shared something i should not have, but maybe it will be a good thing.
I do wish to say that me and my kids always were pretty happy, and laughed, and talked, and did things together, cause i wanted to be everything to them that my parents were not to me. I know they love me, but i feel like the child sometimes. i guess that means that they have some skills that I dont have yet, and i am happy about that, anyway!
Thank you for reading, and hopefully, I will be understood by someone out there.
hugs, chicory
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Location: Waterford MI
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I attracted men who wanted an attractive person, and my caretaking nature was nice for them, too. But, I just never could trust.
Me too.
but I feel that I have been a total failure in the area of love and marriage.
And smart? And good looking? Had the hard times, and lived through them? Got a little insight into what we don't want. Better than no insight at all.
It was so bad that my girls would warn me, saying, "mom, you know how you're so insecure, how are you gonna handle this". boy, not much of an example for my daughters
The idea that you are insecure sounds like a family legend that needs to be put to rest.
I think you are brave and fighting a hard fight right now.
I understand you completely chicory.
I am the oldest child of an abusive alcoholic infantry officer and a deeply depressed mother.
Overly responsible, but feel like a kid playing grown up.
We can do this. We can learn to be secure in ourselves and the tough lessons we have learned so far.
Beth
your comrade in arms.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by wicked 
Yes, yes and yes. Attractive smart but not enough trust to be able to love.
Me too.
Interesting - all the men somehow broke trust early on. Lying about something big. Red flag, but I forged on ahead, ignoring. But I wonder sometimes- was i so insecure, or was I feeling something else? was I just unhappy , and knew it deep down, and was ignoring a small voice within myself that had never been listened to?
And smart? And good looking? Had the hard times, and lived through them? That is very true. I sure would not want to do it over-lol
My girls always say the same, but they knew how I always became insecure in my relationships. And I know that your daughter is right- you are special,and very cool! Wish her the best in school from me.
I often wondered that- if the struggle was within myself, and not unjustified distrust.
Thank you Beth. That means a lot to me. It has been a long, long 58 years.
Me too.
I have felt this way, but now I have learned I made poor choices, and with more knowledge I can make better choices. We can do it chicory. We are both still alive right?
And smart? And good looking? Had the hard times, and lived through them?
Got a little insight into what we don't want. Better than no insight at all.
Well, why do they say you are insecure? I am insecure, but my daughter tells me any man would be very very lucky to get someone as cool as me. She doesnt think anyone is good enough, but I think that is more of a young girl a little afraid of not having mommy nearby all the time. (she just turned 18 and is starting school in january)
The idea that you are insecure sounds like a family legend that needs to be put to rest.
I think you are brave and fighting a hard fight right now.
I understand you completely chicory.
I understand you completely chicory.
I am the oldest child of an abusive alcoholic infantry officer and a deeply depressed mother.
Overly responsible, but feel like a kid playing grown up.
We can do this. We can learn to be secure in ourselves and the tough lessons we have learned so far.
Beth
your comrade in arms.
Overly responsible, but feel like a kid playing grown up.
We can do this. We can learn to be secure in ourselves and the tough lessons we have learned so far.
Beth
your comrade in arms.
Big hugs to my comrade in arms,
chicory
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Anywhere, Ohio
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Hi. This may not come out the way I want it to, so please bear with me. Thank you for posting this. I am in the throws of it with my mom right now - and she bears no responsibility for the chaos in her (or our) life.
I'm sorry you're hurting that that the self-reflective process is difficult. I commend you for your insights.
What helped me this morning was seeing a mom take responsibility for causing things in her life. My mom has never once apologized (although she's evidently made amends with everyone else on the planet!) and has not taken responsibility for what she's put our family through. I really needed to see that somebody's mom "gets it." I hope your kids don't mind lending you to me for those 30 seconds... It made me feel hopeful.
I'm sorry you're hurting that that the self-reflective process is difficult. I commend you for your insights.
What helped me this morning was seeing a mom take responsibility for causing things in her life. My mom has never once apologized (although she's evidently made amends with everyone else on the planet!) and has not taken responsibility for what she's put our family through. I really needed to see that somebody's mom "gets it." I hope your kids don't mind lending you to me for those 30 seconds... It made me feel hopeful.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: colstrip, montana
Posts: 237
Alcohol has not ruined your life. You life isn't over yet! You have come to some very good insights as to WHY you did the things you did. That's good, but please, let's not go overboard and blame ourselves too much! After all, we learned our behavior from somewhere!
Today is a good day. You will get out of it what you put into it. Yesterday and the day before, I went for a walk. I haven't done that in awhile. I can't fix all of my problems in a day, and sitting around thinking about them didn't help, so I went for a walk. At least my body thanked me for the exercise. It wasn't vigorous, but it was some moderate exercise and fresh air. The sun shining in my eyes definitely helped too!
Give yourself credit for the insight. When you said "I'm trying NOT to fix things in my children's lives", I wanted so badly to say: "You can't anyway!" What's done is done. They are adults. And, from what you say, they are doing pretty good on their own. You have time and energy to fix your own self-esteem. That's what I think it comes down to is SELF-ESTEEM.
My father was a strict, sometimes violent military alcoholic. My mother was a soft-spoken co-dep who tried to be the perfect mom and perfect wife to him. I saw her as a doormat, but she did what she had to do to keep herself alive. What went on in that house is over and done with now. All I can do is go on with my own life.
I don't know if my parents did the best they could. They were human and capable of mistakes; I know that. But, that is over now.
I have knowledge NOW and that is the key ingredient to making a happy life for myself and my 9-year-old daughter.
Today is a good day. You will get out of it what you put into it. Yesterday and the day before, I went for a walk. I haven't done that in awhile. I can't fix all of my problems in a day, and sitting around thinking about them didn't help, so I went for a walk. At least my body thanked me for the exercise. It wasn't vigorous, but it was some moderate exercise and fresh air. The sun shining in my eyes definitely helped too!
Give yourself credit for the insight. When you said "I'm trying NOT to fix things in my children's lives", I wanted so badly to say: "You can't anyway!" What's done is done. They are adults. And, from what you say, they are doing pretty good on their own. You have time and energy to fix your own self-esteem. That's what I think it comes down to is SELF-ESTEEM.
My father was a strict, sometimes violent military alcoholic. My mother was a soft-spoken co-dep who tried to be the perfect mom and perfect wife to him. I saw her as a doormat, but she did what she had to do to keep herself alive. What went on in that house is over and done with now. All I can do is go on with my own life.
I don't know if my parents did the best they could. They were human and capable of mistakes; I know that. But, that is over now.
I have knowledge NOW and that is the key ingredient to making a happy life for myself and my 9-year-old daughter.
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Hi there chicory 
I think that's wonderful. You listen to their needs and you are working on improving _you_. Most people in the world _never_ do that, so I think you're doing great.
That's exactly the way I felt. I _know_ what happened to me that turned me into such an emotional mess. I was "brainwashed" by a couple of alcoholics that happened to be my parents. The most important thing I learned in recovery is something you have obviously _already_ learned. You said "happened to me". That is the magic lesson for me. It's not something that I _am_, this freaky emotions and insecurities. It's something that was _done_ to me. It's something I learned as a child.
All of which means that I can _unlearn_ it and _heal_ from it.
no worries. Share all you want. That's the whole reason we are here
oh yes, I totally relate. You described most of my life in just that one post.
I dunno. That's not the way I see it. My alcoholic parents ruined my childhood. The "brainwashing" they left me ruined most of what followed. Then I got into recovery and I realized that what was ruined was in the _past_. All the things my parents did, and all the mistakes I did are in the past. None of that can touch my future. Only _I_ can touch my future. That's where the ACoA version of the Serenity Prayer has helped me.
HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change.
The courage to change the future I can
And the wisdom to start today.
Keep coming back, Chicory. All us "kids" here are working on healing our future just like you are.
Mike
Originally Posted by chicory
.... I have recently begun to work very hard on ... we have always been close. but they have been trying to get me to see that I have had an unhealthy anxiety,.....
Originally Posted by chicory
.... What the he!! happened to me, to turn me into such a freak in that way?..... and that if they knew how I was, they would not want to become involved.....
All of which means that I can _unlearn_ it and _heal_ from it.
Originally Posted by chicory
.... thank you , for reading this. i feel like i have shared something i should not have.....
Originally Posted by chicory
.... and hopefully, I will be understood by someone out there......
Originally Posted by chicory
.... I am just sad tonight, that i feel that alcohol has ruined my life......
HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change.
The courage to change the future I can
And the wisdom to start today.
Keep coming back, Chicory. All us "kids" here are working on healing our future just like you are.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by EnglishTchr
Hi. This may not come out the way I want it to, so please bear with me. Thank you for posting this. I am in the throws of it with my mom right now - and she bears no responsibility for the chaos in her (or our) life.
I'm sorry you're hurting that that the self-reflective process is difficult. I commend you for your insights.
What helped me this morning was seeing a mom take responsibility for causing things in her life. My mom has never once apologized (although she's evidently made amends with everyone else on the planet!) and has not taken responsibility for what she's put our family through. I really needed to see that somebody's mom "gets it." I hope your kids don't mind lending you to me for those 30 seconds... It made me feel hopeful.
I'm sorry you're hurting that that the self-reflective process is difficult. I commend you for your insights.
What helped me this morning was seeing a mom take responsibility for causing things in her life. My mom has never once apologized (although she's evidently made amends with everyone else on the planet!) and has not taken responsibility for what she's put our family through. I really needed to see that somebody's mom "gets it." I hope your kids don't mind lending you to me for those 30 seconds... It made me feel hopeful.
thanks for the kind words. I guess I learned early how important it is to say you are sorry. I did not have that from my parents either. They were too involved with their problems to even notice that their children had needs. You will probably find that easier to do than your mother, too. for you know what it would mean to you to have her validate your feelings.
If I helped in any way, I am very glad. You deserve to be heard, and to be "comforted" , if you will, for the pain you experienced. I hope that I am seeing all the things that I need to make amends for.
hugs, and good luck with your mom. I used to think that my mom did not acknowledge the pain we went through, because if she did accept the responsibility, it would probably have over whelmed her, and may have been too much to grieve. if that makes sense.
take care of you, and good will come of it.
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by tabfan
Alcohol has not ruined your life. You life isn't over yet! You have come to some very good insights as to WHY you did the things you did. That's good, but please, let's not go overboard and blame ourselves too much! After all, we learned our behavior from somewhere!
Today is a good day. You will get out of it what you put into it.
Give yourself credit for the insight. When you said "I'm trying NOT to fix things in my children's lives", I wanted so badly to say: "You can't anyway!" What's done is done. They are adults. And, from what you say, they are doing pretty good on their own. You have time and energy to fix your own self-esteem. That's what I think it comes down to is SELF-ESTEEM.
I have knowledge NOW and that is the key ingredient to making a happy life for myself and my 9-year-old daughter.
thanks for your words and encouragement. I love this place!
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Hi there chicory
I think that's wonderful. You listen to their needs and you are working on improving _you_. Most people in the world _never_ do that, so I think you're doing great.
I think that's wonderful. You listen to their needs and you are working on improving _you_. Most people in the world _never_ do that, so I think you're doing great.
That's exactly the way I felt. I _know_ what happened to me that turned me into such an emotional mess. I was "brainwashed" by a couple of alcoholics that happened to be my parents. The most important thing I learned in recovery is something you have obviously _already_ learned. You said "happened to me". That is the magic lesson for me. It's not something that I _am_, this freaky emotions and insecurities. It's something that was _done_ to me. It's something I learned as a child.
This is HUGE- that there is healing, that amazes me. That we can change. I always figured people never change, that they are what they are. I think that is not true. I know that I am changing. I feel it. I am humbled and so thankful about that. It is almost like being given a second chance at life
no worries. Share all you want. That's the whole reason we are here
I dunno. That's not the way I see it. My alcoholic parents ruined my childhood. The "brainwashing" they left me ruined most of what followed. Then I got into recovery and I realized that what was ruined was in the _past_. All the things my parents did, and all the mistakes I did are in the past. None of that can touch my future. Only _I_ can touch my future. That's where the ACoA version of the Serenity Prayer has helped me.
HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change.
The courage to change the future I can
And the wisdom to start today.
Keep coming back, Chicory. All us "kids" here are working on healing our future just like you are.
Mike
HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change.
The courage to change the future I can
And the wisdom to start today.
Keep coming back, Chicory. All us "kids" here are working on healing our future just like you are.
Mike
you are wonderful Mike.
hugs,
chicory
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-19-2010 at 12:59 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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my greatest fear is how badly i have messed up my kids' lives because of the huge mistakes i have made. for me every way i look at the situation-it's twisted. my mistake of marrying an alcoholic whom i knew was an alcoholic-except he only drank a six pack-so i thought-and then having 3 beautiful children with him. Only to get out of that disastrous marriage-and see it as a mistake. but then where does that leave my kids? they aren't mistakes. I wonder how they feel for me to regret ever marrying him. Yet, when i looked at all my past relationships, they were all alcohol/drug soaked, i thought i was getting an alcoholic "lite" version, compared to my previous relationships.
Since then I have gotten remarried. today in my irritation with him, i realized that my exAH probably is getting a laugh that my new spouse is getting my ire instead of him. so i suspect it's me then....do i have a ways to go......
And that realization doesn't comfort me because i see and hear my alcoholic raging ex- father coming out in me and it is not good. I need Lots of work on me.
Your post caught me because my 10 yr old is raging and I am thinking she needs counseling for anger management before she either heads down the road to being a full blown alcoholic, or a psychopath. I am glad yours turned out ok. I worry about mine.
Since then I have gotten remarried. today in my irritation with him, i realized that my exAH probably is getting a laugh that my new spouse is getting my ire instead of him. so i suspect it's me then....do i have a ways to go......
And that realization doesn't comfort me because i see and hear my alcoholic raging ex- father coming out in me and it is not good. I need Lots of work on me.
Your post caught me because my 10 yr old is raging and I am thinking she needs counseling for anger management before she either heads down the road to being a full blown alcoholic, or a psychopath. I am glad yours turned out ok. I worry about mine.
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Your post caught me because my 10 yr old is raging and I am thinking she needs counseling for anger management before she either heads down the road to being a full blown alcoholic, or a psychopath. I am glad yours turned out ok. I worry about mine.
You seem to have some insight tho, on what your mistakes were. that is a great start. and to be here and learning and working on yourself.
when my son was in high school, and was angry, I would sit in his room, until he talked to me. he did not want to ,but I just sat on his floor, and waited until his feelings started coming out, in tears! I had no idea that he was under the pressure he was. I only wish I had gotten him counselling. all my kids. but where to find good counselling, that is a good question.
maybe any counselling is good, in that it teaches them to look at their behavior and figure out what is going on.
I hope that you find some help for her, while she is still young. and you still have a chance to do good things for your children. that will not be something that you will add to your "regret"list. mine is long.
hugs and best wishes,
chicory
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: colstrip, montana
Posts: 237
chicory,
You wrote: "I grieve, thinking of how I was spoiling my daughter's experience because I was really bad."
WHOA! You were NOT bad. Sometimes we DO bad things, but we, as human beings are NOT bad. God made us in his image, remember?
The choices we made (sometimes) were not good for us. The person we hurt the most was ourselves. We should have honored ourselves more and given ourselves tenderness and rest and understanding.
Lots of times I spent money on myself thinking:
"....for all the _ _ _ _ I have been through, I DESERVE to buy this thing for myself!" But, all THAT did was put my credit card balance through the roof (again) and the over-the-limit fees and finance charges ended-up feeling more like PUNISHMENT rather than any kind of "reward" which is what I was trying to convince myself I deserved! Sheeesh!
You wrote: "I grieve, thinking of how I was spoiling my daughter's experience because I was really bad."
WHOA! You were NOT bad. Sometimes we DO bad things, but we, as human beings are NOT bad. God made us in his image, remember?
The choices we made (sometimes) were not good for us. The person we hurt the most was ourselves. We should have honored ourselves more and given ourselves tenderness and rest and understanding.
Lots of times I spent money on myself thinking:
"....for all the _ _ _ _ I have been through, I DESERVE to buy this thing for myself!" But, all THAT did was put my credit card balance through the roof (again) and the over-the-limit fees and finance charges ended-up feeling more like PUNISHMENT rather than any kind of "reward" which is what I was trying to convince myself I deserved! Sheeesh!
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