GingerM

The holidays are upon us. I'm not sure what it is about the holidays (and weddings) that make people lose entirely whatever grasp on reality they may have had in the first place, but I thought I'd share some coping mechanisms that I use.

1. Spend time with people who aren't completely ridiculous. Spend as much time as you can with healthy people. They help to keep us grounded.

2. Remember the ACoA bill of rights, especially "I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of my family." They can be as crazy as they want, but you have the right and ability to not participate in it.

3. Take the comments and nastiness of your crazy people as seriously as you would take the comments of a drunken person sleeping in a doorway in downtown. The comments are no more or less valid coming from one of those people than the other. Sometimes it helps me to visualize a drunken person in a doorway downtown saying the same thing to me as my relatives are saying. It seems to shift how seriously I take the comments, and therefore, how much it affects me.

4. Remind yourself that while blood may be thicker than water, that only means it's more sticky. It does not mean that it's necessarily better. You may want to remind yourself that lead is thicker than blood, but that doesn't make it better than blood.

Feel free to add your own coping mechanisms to this thread. And may we all survive this holiday season with our sanity and dignity intact!

tabfan

Ginger,

Those are some great tips. Right away, I can see where my attending MORE meetings during this time of year would benefit me, as your Tip #1 states. Thanks!

There are so many areas of this website where I could post! Like the "Anger: aggressive, passive, or assertive" post someone wrote. I can't remember the exact wording, but someone started a thread something about that...... I need to add to that one too, but first, I will add to this one.

I usually LIKE the Holidays, but now that I have a daughter who is old enough to know what it is all about, everything is different! I have my own issues to look at. I am not perfect. But, now that my daughter is being affected, it breaks my heart. Long story!

Meetings, meetings, meetings!

tabfan

I was raised in a violent home with two alcoholics. Of course, I still love both my parents even though they are no longer living. My brother who beat me so much has now become a friend of mine.

I was raised strict. I was the "hero" kid of the family. (Secretly, I was my brother's scapegoat) In public, I was the one who made the family look "normal".

In college, I went astray. The anger finally seeped out. Alcohol helped break down the dam of denial. It was crazy for six or seven years. I was angry. I hated my life. The only thing I knew was abuse and now that I was an adult, I was suppose to live a "normal" life. Craziness meant "family" to me. Chaos was the norm. My husband at the time grew up with an alcoholic father so he knew well how to take care of a drunk. He got his self-esteem from taking care of me. *sigh*

In 1986, I went to Treatment. I have spent the last twenty-something years attempting to learn about ACOA issues. I went to 15 years of therapy. Lots of tears. Thousands of tears. Lots of reading of books. I wanted to learn as much as I could about physical abuse before I had children of my own. There was NO WAY I wanted to pass that on! I got a divorce. Twice. Minutes before my chance of bearing a child of my own, I got pregnant. I took a chance at having a healthy baby. And, thanks to my Higher Power, she is perfect.

Money is another problem area of my life. Apparently, growing up in poverty had a terrible (shaming) affect on me. When I got a great job, I was (have been) very reckless about how I handle money. In A.A. they call that "Immediate Gratification".

escape artist

that is what i am wrangling with myself. not me, but my spouse. he can't see it-how do i not make his issue mine, when it does affect me. he is a codependent too, but i wonder if it had to do with his upbringing in a very large family with very limited income as well.

tabfan

escape artist,

You say your spouse has a "problem" with spending money. But, yet, you are the one who is wrangling with it. Does HE get stressed-out about it? Or is it just you who sees it as a "problem"?

You didn't say which of you is the addict, but you said your spouse is a co-dependent. That usually means he grew-up with caretakers who were users.

The reason why I ask is, I have the same sort of "problem". I have never been guided as to how to manage money. I had NO ONE who set a good example for me to follow. It has been hit -n- miss for many years now! I am finally getting the hang of it. (I had to first fix the most obvious problem of my own alcohol/drug addictions, and THEN, I had to fix the personality quirks of anger management, etc...) Now, in my ripe, old-age of fifty, I am looking at my money management problem.

I have a boyfriend who is also fifty. The problem is, he does not have half the amount of clean time I have. He has been working a good program and I commend him for that. However, as I recall, those first few years are the most fundamental when it comes to laying a foundation for the rest of your life.

I believe my boyfriend comes from the same type of background that I do, although I suspect his situation was not as severe (poverty) as mine was.

The problem is, we BOTH are rather reckless with money. Or should I say "spending" money! I know what his income is and he knows what mine is. I make lots more than he does in my job. If it were up to me, I would spend any excess (AS IF!) on travel. I love to travel. If it were up to him, he would spend any excess on recreation and beautifying our surroundings (furniture, vehicles, etc...) I guess what it comes down to is: compromise. We are not married. We live in separate homes. If we were married, and lived in the same house, I suspect that we would have to sit down and come to some sort of agreement on where our money would go. As in a written budget.

The disagreements we have today are about the extra money that I have when I work overtime. My idea of fun is NOT his idea of fun. He will travel "with me" when I ask him to, but I think he would rather be 4-wheeling in the outdoors.

Hmmmm........ Makes me realize that we need to sit down and TALK if we were to get more serious about our relationship!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I have a girlfriend who has a similiar problem. She is great with money. Her husband likes to spend it. They are both retired. They have separate bank accounts. He has thirty-something years in A.A. and she is a co-dependent. They seem to compromise nicely. They seem content with their situation. If they can do it, maybe I can too!

tromboneliness

I was going to suggest this idea... then you said it yourself!

My wife and I have very different... temperaments, I guess you might say, about money. We knew this up-front -- so as soon as we became a household unit (a year or so before she got sober, and 2-1/2 years before we got married), we made an important decision: NO COMBINED MONEY. That is, no joint checking account, no joint assets (at least initially), you have your money, I have mine, and they don't get mixed together -- at least in terms of the "upstream" part of it. Her income goes into her bank, and mine goes into mine.

As a result, we don't fight about money! If she wants something, she buys it -- and if I want something, I buy it. On the other hand, if I want to be a cheapskate (my normal M.O.), I can, and there's none of this constant "We can afford X!," "No, we can't afford it!" "You always say that!" that my parents went through.

Now, of course, in a household, there has to be some point at which funds are put together -- and that's true in our case. But it's always *downstream* of where the money goes initially when it's earned. Buying real-estate, deciding where to live, starting a small business -- these things require some commingling of funds... but as for where my money goes, it always starts out in MY checking account. My wife's starts out in HERS.

We're always trying to convince younger friends, when they're just starting out as a couple, to do it that way... but they seldom get it. Hey, at least we tried!

T

escape artist

tabfan, we both are acoas, and codependents which also means we have our own addictions to deal with too. we were both in recovery rooms when we met. we do have separate and joint accounts. i try not to take control of all of it, because i don't want to be the only one concerned about it. i somehow knew this would be an issue and he has begrudgingly admitted he is a spendthrift, but his actions were honorable, he cut up his cards. However, he still can have reckless abandon with his account which we agreed to use for saving up for xmas. Ended up with a lot less money for xmas, because he already bought his toys! I guess we worked it out, in that he bought his xmas gifts early. at least he knows he is getting what he wants! i think it is a mindset esp. when you grow up with a lot less. a kind of not enough mentality, vs a there is plenty mentality. depending on which way you see it will determine how you react with the money.

mbucek

I certainly feel much better after reading #3! I'm going through a lot of issues from my family at the moment, and that statement helps a lot! Much guilt and passive-aggressiveness has been thrown at me in the past few days!

mbucek

tabfan, I also was/am the "Hero" in my ACOA family. I'm also an only child. I feel like this time of year always hits the hardest when issues crop up. I end up feeling alone. It's good to know that I am not really alone though. So thank you for your post!