EveningRose

Long story short, I have withdrawn from my family because I am tired of being my assigned role in their alcoholic family. After a few attempts by two or three of them to get me to see that if I were just a better person and better mother, they would quit being abusive, and we could all have happy holidays together, they go ahead and have holidays on their own now. Fine with me.

Skip ahead another year, and my oldest, who had been living off us, was getting steadily more in-my-face, letting me know he'll do exactly as he pleases, even regarding the way he treats his younger siblings. This particular incident led to him hitting me. I immediately called the police. He is now living with my parents. Not surprisingly, he went to Thanksgiving with my parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews.

I know he was not allowed, legally, to join us at our house. I know it was perfectly reasonable for him to go. I know I'm the one who drew the line and refused to go to holidays even when I was invited. My husband (who is a cheater and liar) is making sure he stays on good terms with my family, and sure enough, my mother is telling people I'm imagining things with him.

I'm left feeling I am bit by bit being excluded, for refusing to accept terrible behavior anymore. I know my other kids want to be there with the rest of them. And because my family is not doing and saying the same things to the older kids, I feel it comes across as me just being difficult. So much of this is said and done when nobody else is watching.

I've heard my mother say before of others, things to the effect of, "We'll show them! We'll have a good time without them if they're going to be stubborn." I suppose that's being said about me, and I wonder if the day will come when I spend holidays with friends while my husband and children go off with my family.

Sometimes, it is hard to accept the injustice, that I have spent my life trying to do better when they told me I was the problem all the time, walking away rather than fighting when things became outright abusive, and being quick to forgive and put it all in the past when they seemed ready to play nice. And yet somehow, I'm ending up having my name and character smeared, maybe even to my own children, and being cast out, for finally, really, objecting to it and saying no more.

My good friends who know my children well tell me over and over that they love and respect me and this isn't going to happen. I do see very cleary that they love and respect me in a way I never did my own parents. But I know they also want that relationship with their extended family, who does treat them well, especially on holidays.

I just don't know where to go with the frustration of this, tonight.

EveningRose

I think it's times like this when I start having a hard time concentrating on the work I'm supposed to be doing, and end up spending hours flipping back and forth between forums, facebook, e-mail, etc., unable to work. Any suggestions for how to stop being agitated by these things, and focus on my work and keep my mind on my own life?

GingerM

Do you have anyone who is NOT related to you and who kind of knows a little of what's going on in your family?

If you do, it may be helpful to tell them what you're feeling, and how strongly you're feeling it. (Yes, I know you did that here, but it's not quite the same as telling someone in person).

I liken this to getting food poisoning. At least the way I experience it, I'm doing just fine until I ingest a dose of toxin, then I need to get it out of my system quickly. I also refer to my behavior as I'm trying to get it out as "emotional vomiting." And like food poisoning, it seems the sooner I can get my feelings aired to a sympathetic person, the less it preys on me, and the less worked up I end up being.

If I don't get it out of my system quickly, then it rattles around inside my brain making me more and more angry and more and more unable to concentrate until the thing (whatever it is) is all I can think of.

That's just me and how my mind functions. The holiday season is in full swing. My father has humiliated me in front of my entire in-law family at Thanksgiving, my mother is mad at me because I refused to play "go-between" between her and my father, and my father is now blaming me for his utter incomprehension of a situation despite myself and my teen having told him repeatedly that the way he is framing the situation has no bearing on reality.

Happy Holidays. Again. My poor husband - every year when he starts getting excited about the holidays, I start getting wound up tight and on edge. *sigh* I've still got some work to do.

But after the Thanksgiving humiliation situation, I ranted at my husband about it a bit (and he is a very sympathetic listener). After the being blamed for my father's twisting of the truth (which was really him being angry because he wanted to spend more time with my teen than he got to, and he had to blame someone. It couldn't be HIS behavior, could it?), I spoke with my teen about it - my teen was also frustrated by the behavior (teen felt like he had to defend me - we've been discussing that too. The last thing I need is my teen to get sucked into the "trying to reason with the unreasonable" head-banging sessions). In speaking about it, it helped me to put things in perspective and re-remember that I am not responsible for other people's crazies. (That my dad was drunk when he called "accusing" me of all these things didn't help with my dad's cognition. I allowed my dad to blame without accepting the blame.)

Which is all a very long way of saying that sometimes verbalizing what's eating at you can help you see things more clearly. My dog gets to have very long conversations with me sometimes. My dog is a good listener

EveningRose

My husband 'listens' but behind my back, makes sure he's staying on good terms with them. I have a couple of good friends IRL that I talk to. I worry about overwhelming them and wearing them out, as this is an ongoing situation that will never end as long as my parents are alive, and probably not after they are gone, either, since my siblings believe the family mantra about me.

Your words make me wonder if maybe, last holiday season when I talked to my dad, if he'd been drinking. I have been slow to realize he really is an alcoholic, despite his diagnosis 25 years ago as a 'dry drunk,' and despite watching him have three drinks every night, despite seeing that every picture of him includes the lifted glass, and he's always having alcohol at all family gatherings. He might seem a little more cheerful and 'goofy' but never really seems 'drunk.' But since it was evening, he probably had been drinking. I doubt he would have admitted he ever did those things whether he'd been drinking or not, though. So I don't know if it matters.

I'm sorry you're having a rough season, too.

GingerM

Thanks for the support. Every holiday season is rough for me. My teen and I were chatting this afternoon before he had to head back to college about this. He dislikes the holidays, but doesn't dread them the way I do.

If, by some miracle, the entire holiday season can pass by without any major ugly incidents occuring? I spend the entire season braced for defending myself against the insanity anyway and it still puts a damper on the whole holiday thing.

That being said, my in-laws, while being a non-traditional family, are absolutely wonderful and I LOVE spending time with them. I have developed one bright point that I look forward to each year.

I spoke with my dad today before he'd gotten too drunk - he has no recollection of the accusations he made last night. *shrug* This is why I need to do a little more work on letting his crazy be his and his alone. If he doesn't even remember what he said, why should I go around letting it drive me crazy? (rhetorical question)

SR is always here to vent to if you feel you're overwhelming your friends. I have a few friends who feel overwhelmed by it, but it seems I have more friends who are so amazed that this is my reality that they find it fascinating (in that "stare at the car wreck" sort of way). At least they don't burn out on listening.

kiki5711

families suck! my kids are slowly showing me into my grave.

EveningRose

Unfortunately, I suspect myself and my kids might feel the same way about holidays soon. This year was the first year I started actively dreading them, only not being so happy about them the last two. I'm curious why you spend holidays with your family. I quit exactly for this reason, but of course now dread that my kids are unhappy about it.

I guess what I let bother me about my dad is that I know he's also telling everyone else I'm making up stories. And some of them believe it. I suppose that means I still have work to do in not caring what *anyone* in their sphere thinks of me.

kittyDr

I would suggest Al-anon. You'll have a support group that knows you're not telling stories. You can share your holiday with them and have a pleasant one for a change.

-e

tabfan

Bravo kitty!

I need to RUN, not walk to an Al-Anon meeting. I have been in A.A. and N.A. for 20 years but it's time I accept the fact that I am not the ONLY one sick here! Thanks for your words of encouragement! : )

GingerM

The short answer is because the fallout from actively declining the invitation would be worse than spending a few hours where I control what time I leave with them.

I'm not ready to go no-contact with my family (yet, maybe someday I will, although I doubt it). I can accept their imperfections and limitations (not like them, but accept them). And as I do want to maintain some sort of relationship (limited though it may be) with my family, I spend the holidays with them (when they're here - it's not uncommon for my parents to be out of town over the holidays and I get a pass for that year).

PaleMale

While my wife and I have our own recovery to worry about, my parents make visits very difficult.

While not a fix, what works for us is to schedule time with them much earlier in the day so that we can happily and blamelessly leave before my mother had Scotch #2.

For Holidays, well Thanksgiving we canceled due to the previous visits shenanigans. But still, and this is just a good idea in general, is to have holiday meal at 2:30 or 3pm, so you can leave long before the drunks light up there AND avoid the peak drunk driving time from 8pm on on the roads.

Obviously, Alanon is by far the best choice. Give it a go!

EveningRose

That's where I would have been, until it came to outright abusiveness, and it becoming painfully clear that others in the family actually blamed me, not the party who became abusive.

GingerM

I have come very close on a couple of occasions to going no contact. If things in my family turned the way your situation did? I would have no qualms about it. My relationship with my family is tenuous at best, with the exception of my sister and her children.

tromboneliness

I used to say that if my Dad and I were the same age, I would have no choice but to kick him out of my life, because he had become such an "energy vampire." As it was, I'd remind myself that "I don't need to win this game -- all I need is a tie," because, since he was 90 and I'm 47, I had more time than he did. So I just kept dribbling the ball around, and in September, the clock ran out, with the game still tied.

But ya, the way our relationship had become, if we were the same age, I could not have put up with the emotional damage -- I'd have stopped answering the phone and going by, and just kicked him out of my life.

T

EveningRose

I was discussing this the other night with a 60 year old woman caring for her 85 year old mother who, by all sounds, is much like mine. She said she felt she had to because none of her six siblings will speak to her mother--and she doesn't blame them. I think in that situation, I'd happily bite my tongue once or twice a month and do my duty. But she and my father have 3 other children, at least 2 of whom they treat quite well, to care for them when it comes to that.

I have always read that when you tell a kid often enough they're no good, they eventually become no good. In most ways, I have stood against that and lived with integrity and done the right thing. But I have finally reached a point in this particular situation of, if that's what you think of me, so be it. Enjoy life with the 'good' children.

GingerM

Or maybe they just become "no good" to the person/people who continue to tell the kid that. To everyone else, perhaps, they're warm, caring, considerate etc. Like attracts like - if you treat me in humiliating degrading ways, and I will likely not be terribly warm in my feelings to you either. Which leads a few people to wonder why everyone else seems to like me so much... I think they'll be wondering a long time, since they don't seem to get it.

Tomboneliness, your comment makes for a very interesting thought experiment. I think I'll have to roll that around inside my brain for a while.

EveningRose

This is it, exactly. I finally realized, deep down, before I could even verbalize it, that no matter what I did, I would be the problem-child to them, the one who is supposed to go, OH YEAH! YOU'RE RIGHT, I SCREWED UP AGAIN, I'LL FIX THAT FOR YOU every time someone screams in my face, the one who has repeatedly been told to sit down and listen to others' objections to me and do something about it.

So when I finally get tired of being regarded this way, of being told by all and sunder what I need to fix this time, and walk away...lo and behold, I'm the bad kid again.

You're right, other people, those who have never met my mother, see a very good person, and that person is not about to change. My mother has, in the past, explained this away as I must be putting on a show for them....

GingerM

I trust the opinions of others who are reasonably healthy than I do of the family members who are so far removed from healthy that they think it's "abnormal" when one behaves in a healthy manner. As long as YOU know who the man is behind the curtain, that's what counts.

EveningRose

Thank you, Ginger, for putting it in those words. Yes, these are happy, healthy people with good attitudes, energy, interest in life, etc.

I'm really struggling again because of an incident with my 2nd son, 17, in which he 'accidentally' brushed by me (in anger), and really shoved into me, in addition to getting very rude. In a way, I recognize he's dealing with a lot, not only pressure he puts on himself to keep a near 4.0, but what he obviously must be aware of the problems in our own home (husband lies, has secret friends, runs up debt, and most recently helped himself to my credit card) even though I do not fight with him in front of the kids anymore. But I also wonder how much he is being influenced by my parents' and siblings' attitude that whatever happens, it is a character flaw in me, and the example they have set that no matter how someone treats me it is really me who is in the wrong.

I guess this is the crux of my whole post, that I worry about them turning my own children against me.

GingerM

That behavior could have come from any 17 year old, healthy family or not. I have a theory that children, around age 12 or 13 are abducted by aliens and replaced with podlings who look and sound exactly like your own child, but behave radically differently. Then, around aged 20 - 21, the aliens come back, reclaim their podling and return your child to you in adult form.

Is it possible that you're sensitivity to the treatment you are receiving from your parents & siblings is making you see things that aren't actually there? Or interpret behavior that is developmentally appropriate (trying to separate from ones primary caregivers) as being more nefarious than it actually is?

Your childrens' opinion of you is largely formed by now (assuming they're all in the teen range of age). Your family would have a difficult time changing their opinion of you. Even if your family was telling the truth (which they aren't, and I'm sure your son/children can see that), it would still take a tremendous amount of time for your children to change their opinion of you. After all, how long did it take you to fully understand your own parents and their behavior? How long do you think it would have taken if other people were telling you that your parents had a problem if they didn't?

It took me years of watching the behaviors before I could admit to myself that the people I loved were badly damaged. I would not have believed it if they actually weren't badly damaged. Your son may be acting the angsty teenager bit, but he's not blind. If you can keep him from getting into drugs/alcohol problems, he will not believe what your family says about you. Only if his mind gets soured as theirs has will he believe it, and then only as an excuse to continue destructive behavior.