Patk

Hello All,

Have a couple of questions about growing up in a toxic household. The particulars were: family of five (three brothers and a sister), dad was a high school teacher, mom a housewife until I got to high school and then she joined the government as a secretary.

I would describe our house as a pig-stye. Yes, it was pretty messy( dishes in the kitchen sink for days etc). I never felt that embarrassed about bringing the guys from elementary school or high school to my house, but never would I ever thought of inviting a girl; though the truth is that I never had a girlfriend in high school. Maybe I was asexual? I did like girls, but never had the guts to ask one out. Lost my virginity at the late age of 22.

My oldest brother did not seem to feel the same sense of shame since he had his own bedroom in the basement, and used his own private world with he and his girlfriends(s) would escape to. My second oldest brother never had any girlfriends in high school and therefore it was never an issue bringing a female to the house My younger sister never had any boyfriends in high school and my younger brother did have a girlfriend in his first year of high school and brought her home once in a while.

I am reading too much into things? How do different ACOA’s deal with the issue of shame. I remember when I first began therapy in 1995 and the doctor told me to think hard about what work would describe my family and tell him my answer for the next session. For the life of me I could not come up with an answer and then he told me the next session the answer in a single word, “Shame.”

It intrigues and puzzles me how it has affected me and my siblings, as well as my dad. I have written on previous posts how my dad did not feel comfortable about allowing me and my new wife to meet my schizophrenic sister (shame), or tell me his 80 something female friend was more than a friend (shame and feeling he maybe had betrayed his deceased wife of 15 years), my second oldest brother never telling me he was married (shame), my brother not wanting to talk with me or engage in any form of dialogue about our past (shame). My dad telling me in 1991 that my oldest brother had moved out on his wife and into a house with a coworker, then moved from Calgary to Houston, TX, refused to answer my dad’s calls (shame)

My oldest brother is a very successful engineer and did really well in university (4 years of studies without a hitch), then went onto pursue a successful career in the oil and gas industry. Second brother, McGill University MBA, countless higher degrees, but he holds his cards so close to him. I remember when we were kids, well maybe in our teenage years, getting on a city bus, he was at the front, and I just walked to the back of the bus without any thought of sitting with him. Same when I went into an employment office, My mother was in there looking for a job. I did not even acknowledge her, just sat in a different are. I was if you can believe it living in the same house with her. It was ugly. Walking by my sister on the street and not saying hello or even acknowledging her....My second older brother calling my father and asking over the phone, “is this the home of Mr. K______?”


My friend s in my hometown began to get tired of me showing up at their home or parents home when I returned back to my city of origin. They used to say, “Hey Pat, why don’t you go see your own family and stay with them?” Truth was, I had no where to go. I was looking for a place to stay, a family to celebrate Christmas with. People to welcome or say, “hey Pat, great to see you, come on in for dinner...” But the truth was, I felt so bad, and my friends could not understand. -SHAME

Patk

dollydo

I may be really off track here, but, after childhood, and, a childs embarassment of the entire family, when one reaches adulthood, shame is created and fed by ones own insecurities.

All families have quirky people, those who do not fit into the cookie cutter molds!

For my part, I love colorful people, the ones who think outside the box!

I am proud of myself and my family, a bunch of quirky nuts!

GingerM

Shame is often a result of feeling that you somehow had control over the actions of others. Shame is that feeling that others are judging you, and that you are not living up to their (perceived) expectations.

The key to getting rid of the shame is to put things in their proper perspective. Did you have control over the situation? Were you repeatedly told things were your fault, even when there was nothing you could have realistically done about the situation? This is a very common trait amongst ACoAs.

Try questioning your reasons for the shame. Are you ashamed of your own behavior or someone else's? If you are ashamed of someone else's behavior, is there anything you can do to change said behavior (hint: probably not)? If it is someone else's behavior, are you responsible for their actions or inactions? If you are not responsible for their actions/inactions, what do you have to be ashamed of?

It sounds like your family is quite a mess, and to keep yourself sane in the situation, you emotionally pulled away from all of them (siblings included). I don't know if there's anything you can do to repair any of those relationships, or even if you want to (that being the first question you must be honest with yourself about). I do know that to get rid of the feelings of guilt and/or shame, you must put the responsibility of the behavior squarely where it belongs.

My mom used to embarrass me so badly that I would sneak around behind her back apologizing for her. Now I try to warn people in advance that she's not living in the same reality as the rest of us. Only when someone directly approaches me about her do I make any comment on my part - which is to say that I tell them that it is not uncommon for the apple to land very very far from the tree, and please not to judge me based on her actions. She's still weird. But I no longer feel ashamed of her, I no longer apologize for her behavior. Her behavior is not my responsibility.

Hope this helps.

chicory

T True, but for some aca's that is not so easy. you have to know what healthy perspective is. learning what is healthy has been a challenge, for me.


My household brought shame to me as a young girl. It was obvious that my parents were not like others. I will never forget howI was amazed to see the clean folded socks in a friends drawer , during a sleep over. clean sheets were amazing. this brings shame to me now, to even share it, even tho it was not my fault. the shame leaves a feeling in your soul, that is not easily forgotten. it is so deep.

When my mom went "alcoholic" on us, she did things that I was mortified over. she was a sick woman, and alcohol killed her, eventually. I had to move out of our hometown, for everyone knew that we were the poor kids, who had the father who drank. terrible home, i hated to get on the bus. even when i had a new GMC Yukon, I felt like i was still in a junker-lol


I find shame to be a big challenge. to this day. and I am 58. i wonder if it depends on your sensitivity, too. my sister did not care to bring her friends home -she picked people like herself- rebel and wild. I never had a friend in. I was mortified at the condition of our home. I still feel lesser-than. I am happy, and work on these things, but they are there, underneath.

Patk

Dear chicory, GingerM, and dollydo:

Thank you all for your responses. Very much appreciated. Dollydo, what you wrote-point well-taken. I do need to work on a lot of personal insecurities.


Patk