Keeping the secret
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 26
Keeping the secret
You know the one - growing up in an alcoholic family. "Don't Tell Anyone About What Goes On At Home." I've finally gotten to a place, in the past few years, in which I am able to say to people that I was raised by two alcoholics. It's not something that comes up in everyday conversation, but sometimes, when people ask about your family of origin, or questions about your childhood, it's relevant and appropriate to admit it. In my case, I refuse to carry the shame of it - it wasn't my fault, and I won't be responsible for The Secret anymore.
But how do you know when enough information is enough? For example, I have a friend who has known me since grade school. She was my best friend for YEARS. She never knew, until about 3 years ago (we're both in our late 30's) that my parents were/are alcoholics. I mentioned it once when she asked why they never babysit my children. She now has this impression that my parents just are a bit overindulgent, that as seniors they like to party and get a bit tipsy. She has no idea that they are abusive, controlling, manipulative, mentally ill people. I feel completely dismissed - that she doesn't GET how their behavior impacted everything about my life. Do I speak up? Is that a need for me to be seen as a martyr, or is it being honest? We're not terribly close any more, but we do talk frequently.
But how do you know when enough information is enough? For example, I have a friend who has known me since grade school. She was my best friend for YEARS. She never knew, until about 3 years ago (we're both in our late 30's) that my parents were/are alcoholics. I mentioned it once when she asked why they never babysit my children. She now has this impression that my parents just are a bit overindulgent, that as seniors they like to party and get a bit tipsy. She has no idea that they are abusive, controlling, manipulative, mentally ill people. I feel completely dismissed - that she doesn't GET how their behavior impacted everything about my life. Do I speak up? Is that a need for me to be seen as a martyr, or is it being honest? We're not terribly close any more, but we do talk frequently.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Sarah 
I found that in my recovery there are two _different_ secrets. One secret is the one the alkies demand in order to protect themselves. The other is the one _I_ need to protect myself.
When I first got into recovery I had no idea how to maintain boundaries to protect _me_, so I would either say too much to people who weren't deserving of my trust, or I would say nothing. Both are equally harmful to me. What I did was take some time to learn about boundaries, learn how to "test" people for "red flags", how to get their opinion about items in news as a way to judge how they would judge me.
Once I learned how to do that, which meant I had become enough of a "self-parent" to protect my inner child, then I was able to _slowly_ share a few things with a few people. Some reacted well, and I shared a little more. Some did not and I shared nothing more.
Martyrdom and paranoid secrecy is what my parents were all about. As a healthy adult I am about healthy boundaries and friends that have proven they will respect them.
Mike
I found that in my recovery there are two _different_ secrets. One secret is the one the alkies demand in order to protect themselves. The other is the one _I_ need to protect myself.
When I first got into recovery I had no idea how to maintain boundaries to protect _me_, so I would either say too much to people who weren't deserving of my trust, or I would say nothing. Both are equally harmful to me. What I did was take some time to learn about boundaries, learn how to "test" people for "red flags", how to get their opinion about items in news as a way to judge how they would judge me.
Once I learned how to do that, which meant I had become enough of a "self-parent" to protect my inner child, then I was able to _slowly_ share a few things with a few people. Some reacted well, and I shared a little more. Some did not and I shared nothing more.
Martyrdom and paranoid secrecy is what my parents were all about. As a healthy adult I am about healthy boundaries and friends that have proven they will respect them.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
One of the things I frequently tell teenagers is to be very careful about assignation of motive when they look at someone else's behavior as none of us can be inside someone else's head. Perhaps your friend from way back when is denying the nature of YOUR family, because she needs to deny the nature of HER OWN family.
How important is it to you that she now, after all these years, understands how their behavior impacted your life? She has remained friends with you throughout, no matter what motives drove your own behaviors towards her. Is that enough? Or are you, rather than looking to be the martyr, looking for someone to reflect back to you that you aren't crazy/imagining how bad things were, and perhaps were looking for her to say something more along the lines of "well that explains X, Y and Z!" rather than "oh no, they just like to be tipsy."
For many ACoAs, getting a result different from what we expected can push all kinds of buttons. It sounds to me like she (inadvertently) pushed this button by reacting to your statement in a way you weren't expecting.
What you do with her reaction, and your reaction TO her reaction, is what really counts. If you're looking for people to affirm that growing up in an alcoholic household is a horrid experience, this is a great place to come. Those who did not grow up in alcoholic households (for instance, my husband) have a very difficult time really comprehending the situation - just as I have never been on a battlefield and therefore can not comprehend what the emotional residue of being on a battlefield must be like. If you haven't lived it, it's nearly impossible to really comprehend it. Thankfully, my husband is curious and tries to understand, but he acknowledges that he will never really be able to fully.
How important is it to you that she now, after all these years, understands how their behavior impacted your life? She has remained friends with you throughout, no matter what motives drove your own behaviors towards her. Is that enough? Or are you, rather than looking to be the martyr, looking for someone to reflect back to you that you aren't crazy/imagining how bad things were, and perhaps were looking for her to say something more along the lines of "well that explains X, Y and Z!" rather than "oh no, they just like to be tipsy."
For many ACoAs, getting a result different from what we expected can push all kinds of buttons. It sounds to me like she (inadvertently) pushed this button by reacting to your statement in a way you weren't expecting.
What you do with her reaction, and your reaction TO her reaction, is what really counts. If you're looking for people to affirm that growing up in an alcoholic household is a horrid experience, this is a great place to come. Those who did not grow up in alcoholic households (for instance, my husband) have a very difficult time really comprehending the situation - just as I have never been on a battlefield and therefore can not comprehend what the emotional residue of being on a battlefield must be like. If you haven't lived it, it's nearly impossible to really comprehend it. Thankfully, my husband is curious and tries to understand, but he acknowledges that he will never really be able to fully.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by GingerM 
One of the things I frequently tell teenagers is to be very careful about assignation of motive when they look at someone else's behavior as none of us can be inside someone else's head. Perhaps your friend from way back when is denying the nature of YOUR family, because she needs to deny the nature of HER OWN family.
When we had our memorial open house (instead of a funer) a few weeks ago for my Dad, all my cousins and a lot of friends kept telling us how funny he was, how he was the life of the party, he always had something amusing to say, etc., etc., etc. I just kept my mouth shut -- why badmouth the guy at his own memorial? But all I could think was, you guys have NO IDEA what it was like being his kid! And in a lot of cases, there was some pretty bad stuff going on in their branch of the family, too -- but of course, none of it was ever talked about....
T
Last edited by tromboneliness; 11-14-2010 at 08:20 AM. Reason: Added more verbiage
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Today I find it easy to tell the truth about my parents alcohol intake and the abuse suffered at their hands.
For my part, I really do not care if others understand or do not. I have done my part, I have told the truth, and I am finally free.
Everyone has skeltons in their closet, some move forward and leave them where they belong, others get uncomfortable when they are reminded of theirs. Hence, your friend may still be harboring a little secret and your truthfullness has made her want to avoid any further conversation.
For my part, I really do not care if others understand or do not. I have done my part, I have told the truth, and I am finally free.
Everyone has skeltons in their closet, some move forward and leave them where they belong, others get uncomfortable when they are reminded of theirs. Hence, your friend may still be harboring a little secret and your truthfullness has made her want to avoid any further conversation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Telling my story helped me get rid of the shame.
A couple of years ago, my alcoholic father developed dementia and needed to be place in a facility where people could look after him. He had no savings, so I had to talk with a number of social workers and organizations to help find him assistance.
His alcoholism and the life that he chose to live was a MAJOR source of shame for me. However, the process of trying to find him housing and telling his/our story over and over again actually helped in my recovery.
What I truly found amazing was many people confessed that they too had an alcoholic parent(s).
db
His alcoholism and the life that he chose to live was a MAJOR source of shame for me. However, the process of trying to find him housing and telling his/our story over and over again actually helped in my recovery.
What I truly found amazing was many people confessed that they too had an alcoholic parent(s).
db
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
