Okay, now what?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
well, it's me again.
I thought I share some more.
I was just out and it is raining and it's really windy, and quite cold, which equals miserable for me. But as Mike suggested I tried to make it fun for that little girl inside of me, so I started trowing my umbrella up in the air and jumping to catch it, and it was such a fun thing to do. If anyone saw me I'm sure I looked like a lunatic to them, but you know what I didn't care one bit. It was just pure fun, and that smile is not leaving my face yet. Like I'm high on something (high on myself, I guess)
.
Which is making me think in my life I'm way too serious and hardly ever really having fun.
I'm saying all this to encourage you to try doing some silly little things, not thinking too much about it, just doing things we all used to do when younger. I don't remember the last time I felt this free and light. It makes me feel so good so I want it for you too.
So, again, Mike thank you so much for sharing this beutiful tool with me.
I thought I share some more.
I was just out and it is raining and it's really windy, and quite cold, which equals miserable for me. But as Mike suggested I tried to make it fun for that little girl inside of me, so I started trowing my umbrella up in the air and jumping to catch it, and it was such a fun thing to do. If anyone saw me I'm sure I looked like a lunatic to them, but you know what I didn't care one bit. It was just pure fun, and that smile is not leaving my face yet. Like I'm high on something (high on myself, I guess)
.Which is making me think in my life I'm way too serious and hardly ever really having fun.
I'm saying all this to encourage you to try doing some silly little things, not thinking too much about it, just doing things we all used to do when younger. I don't remember the last time I felt this free and light. It makes me feel so good so I want it for you too.
So, again, Mike thank you so much for sharing this beutiful tool with me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by sesh 
This stuff is really powerful, but I will not write more about it here, as I'm feeling that I'm hijacking SarahG's thread. So, sorry SarahG.
It's good for all of us to hear that we're not alone. (Not that I'd wish this dysfunction on anyone, but ykwim.)
Last edited by SarahG; 10-26-2010 at 11:41 AM. Reason: to clarify
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
Thanks for this thread. A few weeks ago I opened my bible and a picture of me and my mother when I was about 5 fell out. I looked at it, and for some reason I just started crying uncontrollably. I wanted to go back and hug that little girl. I felt so sad. I think I may just look at that picture more often, and tell that little girl it is going to be okay.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 26
Today, I was talking to my husband about how I need to start taking care of myself a little better, doing nice things for ME, and treating myself as well as I treat others. As I was telling him all this, tears started welling up in my eyes and I got all choked up - what was THAT?
I've never thought of myself of the kind of person who is a martyr, that constantly puts others before myself. Of course I do that to some extent with my children - I'm not going to sit and enjoy a latte when someone needs a diaper changed or a band-aid, but I've never really realized until that tear-filled moment how much I do put others wants before my own needs. The trick for me is going to be finding the balance. I don't want to be a selfish, self-centered jerk, but I do need to find balance and help myself, too.
I guess that goes hand-in-hand with nurturing your inner child: allowing a bit of self-love to penetrate. So many memories of my parents putting their own wants above my needs. So many memories of, "You don't need to do that. You don't need those. It's a waste of money." While they'd blow $$$$ at the liquor store to feed their own wants. I've always realized how they could suck the joy out of any moment, but not until now have I realized how much their view of what it necessary for living has influenced my own thoughts about what I deserve for myself.
I've never thought of myself of the kind of person who is a martyr, that constantly puts others before myself. Of course I do that to some extent with my children - I'm not going to sit and enjoy a latte when someone needs a diaper changed or a band-aid, but I've never really realized until that tear-filled moment how much I do put others wants before my own needs. The trick for me is going to be finding the balance. I don't want to be a selfish, self-centered jerk, but I do need to find balance and help myself, too.
I guess that goes hand-in-hand with nurturing your inner child: allowing a bit of self-love to penetrate. So many memories of my parents putting their own wants above my needs. So many memories of, "You don't need to do that. You don't need those. It's a waste of money." While they'd blow $$$$ at the liquor store to feed their own wants. I've always realized how they could suck the joy out of any moment, but not until now have I realized how much their view of what it necessary for living has influenced my own thoughts about what I deserve for myself.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I always felt and knew the root of all my dysfunctional issues were ACOA related and now I know for sure.
This thread has wonderful insights.
The anger issue.... I went back to my therapist after a 3 yr hiatus. Right at the end, he stated that the next issue to work on is my anger. I thought ....my anger???!!!....I thought I was a docile doormat.
I thought and thought about it on the way home and realized I have a lot of anger that comes out when I get so afraid that such and such will happen if I don't control it. Controlling others/situations is my addiction and I can see how Floss attended AA meetings and felt connected. I too attended Al-anon yrs back and stopped because I felt the general message was learning to live in peace with the user. That is not a bad thing to do, but it was yours truly (mois) I had to learn to live with to be at peace and couldn't.
I now attend CODA and the focus is on yourself. But somehow, that elusive puzzle piece is still missing. I think ACOA is the missing piece. No ACOA meeting within 100 miles and I'm not yet up to starting one. This forum will do just fine right now.
MIke, you are blessed with the gift of stating things in a way we can understand. I thank you for sharing with us, so we too can see a light at the end of the tunnel and get out of the darkness.
In the past, I've done inner child exercises and I remember feeling better. I stopped after a while because there were more pressing issues to deal with....had a growing family and addicted spouse to control
I had begun reading the Big Red ACOA book and put it down. Time to dust it off and dig in.
Huggs to my cyber brothers and sisters,
Hope
I always felt and knew the root of all my dysfunctional issues were ACOA related and now I know for sure.
This thread has wonderful insights.
The anger issue.... I went back to my therapist after a 3 yr hiatus. Right at the end, he stated that the next issue to work on is my anger. I thought ....my anger???!!!....I thought I was a docile doormat.
I thought and thought about it on the way home and realized I have a lot of anger that comes out when I get so afraid that such and such will happen if I don't control it. Controlling others/situations is my addiction and I can see how Floss attended AA meetings and felt connected. I too attended Al-anon yrs back and stopped because I felt the general message was learning to live in peace with the user. That is not a bad thing to do, but it was yours truly (mois) I had to learn to live with to be at peace and couldn't.
I now attend CODA and the focus is on yourself. But somehow, that elusive puzzle piece is still missing. I think ACOA is the missing piece. No ACOA meeting within 100 miles and I'm not yet up to starting one. This forum will do just fine right now.
MIke, you are blessed with the gift of stating things in a way we can understand. I thank you for sharing with us, so we too can see a light at the end of the tunnel and get out of the darkness.
In the past, I've done inner child exercises and I remember feeling better. I stopped after a while because there were more pressing issues to deal with....had a growing family and addicted spouse to control
I had begun reading the Big Red ACOA book and put it down. Time to dust it off and dig in.
Huggs to my cyber brothers and sisters,
Hope
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Originally Posted by dbh
Love this thread. Decided to bump it up for others. It was exactly what I needed to read today.
db
db
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sesh, I am so sorry about all your losses in the war, I can't begin to imagine. Maybe just a drawing of yourself at that young age could substitute for a photo. God bless.
I've never been able to manage the talking, re-parenting, of my younger self, just can't. It's too painful, too out of reach for me. I think it frustrates me to think of an adult (me) just talking to the child me and not rescuing me. I don't know it's hard to wrap my mind around. I'm glad if it helps others, don't get me wrong.
Sarah I am the caretaker as well. Even now with some health issues myself I am going out of my way to help a relative with their young kids. I feel if I don't help them who will? I guess I will find out soon as I go through some health stuff soon. It breaks my heart though as I am sure I am the only one that can help. Part of me knows that last sentence is stupid but part of me know, with my family, it's really true too. I have stepped back from a lot caretaker situations, it's hard but it's really freeing. I hope you can find your balance. Good luck.
I've never been able to manage the talking, re-parenting, of my younger self, just can't. It's too painful, too out of reach for me. I think it frustrates me to think of an adult (me) just talking to the child me and not rescuing me. I don't know it's hard to wrap my mind around. I'm glad if it helps others, don't get me wrong.
Sarah I am the caretaker as well. Even now with some health issues myself I am going out of my way to help a relative with their young kids. I feel if I don't help them who will? I guess I will find out soon as I go through some health stuff soon. It breaks my heart though as I am sure I am the only one that can help. Part of me knows that last sentence is stupid but part of me know, with my family, it's really true too. I have stepped back from a lot caretaker situations, it's hard but it's really freeing. I hope you can find your balance. Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thinks for bumping and making this a sticky. I tried an inner child meditation, and found it to be very helpful. I cried a lot, but I think it was good stuff that came out. I wouldn't be able to do this often, though, because it is so hard. This is a good time to bump up this information since it's after the holidays and a lot of feelings come back at this time.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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I don't set out to intentionally do inner child work, but when I feel that inner child, I try to be kind to her. She is very hurt after all. I've found it useful in managing stress once I could learn to identify what was inner child and what was adult. Then the adult me could support the child me, and both of us did better in whatever situation we were in.
I make sure to tell her that she's deserving of love, and that she has every right to be hurt/angry/upset/untrusting. I tell her that she doesn't have to pretend like everything is fine or "just get over it". I tell her that it's okay to cry.
But I don't seek out my inner child. I guess she's so close to me most of the time anyway that I don't need to seek her out. I just don't want to neglect her either - she had enough of that already.
I make sure to tell her that she's deserving of love, and that she has every right to be hurt/angry/upset/untrusting. I tell her that she doesn't have to pretend like everything is fine or "just get over it". I tell her that it's okay to cry.
But I don't seek out my inner child. I guess she's so close to me most of the time anyway that I don't need to seek her out. I just don't want to neglect her either - she had enough of that already.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by SarahG
I'm the adult child of 2 alcoholics. I'm married, 36 years old, and I have four wonderful children. I've struggled making peace with my childhood - I've read all the books, gone to therapy, talked & talked & talked to my husband until we're both just plain tired of telling and hearing the same old stories. (FTR, he's the child of a binge-drinking single mother.)
I live in the same city as my parents, who still drink. They do visit, but they know not to call or visit when they've been drinking or risk a slammed door in the face. I'll have a relationship with them, but I hold them (rightfully) at arm's length. My mother is a spiteful, nasty person, and my father has just given up. His health is poor (big surprise) and he is completely passive. I don't trust 99.9% of what my mother says, and I try not to get pulled down into the helplessness that characterizes my father. I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with them, just to be a good Christian, while still keeping enough distance for my own sanity. I don't ever visit them, and my children are NEVER left alone with them. I think I have decent boundaries.
What's next? Where do I go from here? I know the characteristics of an ACOA. I've read so many books that I feel I can nearly write my own. My problem is they always stop short of the crucial answer - what's next? How do I foster my own recovery? There are no ACOA meetings in my area, so that's out. I know I have anger issues - I know that I need to somehow let go of all that anger that I'm carrying around from my childhood. I get that I need to do it, BUT HOW? What steps can I take to get there? I know I'm too confrontational, often when there's no need to be - is that just who I am? Can I, should I, change that? I often hear that my first step is forgiveness - but that is SO far away to me. How can I forgive them of robbing me of my childhood? How can I forgive them for not even bothering to know who I am, today?
I'm ready to do the work, I just need to know what to do! Any advice?
I live in the same city as my parents, who still drink. They do visit, but they know not to call or visit when they've been drinking or risk a slammed door in the face. I'll have a relationship with them, but I hold them (rightfully) at arm's length. My mother is a spiteful, nasty person, and my father has just given up. His health is poor (big surprise) and he is completely passive. I don't trust 99.9% of what my mother says, and I try not to get pulled down into the helplessness that characterizes my father. I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with them, just to be a good Christian, while still keeping enough distance for my own sanity. I don't ever visit them, and my children are NEVER left alone with them. I think I have decent boundaries.
What's next? Where do I go from here? I know the characteristics of an ACOA. I've read so many books that I feel I can nearly write my own. My problem is they always stop short of the crucial answer - what's next? How do I foster my own recovery? There are no ACOA meetings in my area, so that's out. I know I have anger issues - I know that I need to somehow let go of all that anger that I'm carrying around from my childhood. I get that I need to do it, BUT HOW? What steps can I take to get there? I know I'm too confrontational, often when there's no need to be - is that just who I am? Can I, should I, change that? I often hear that my first step is forgiveness - but that is SO far away to me. How can I forgive them of robbing me of my childhood? How can I forgive them for not even bothering to know who I am, today?
I'm ready to do the work, I just need to know what to do! Any advice?
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