Guilt and anger over mothers death

Old 10-26-2003, 08:56 PM
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Location: st. louis MO
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Angry Guilt and anger over mothers death

My mother was an alcoholic. She never admitted she had a problem with alcohol. We attempted interventions, etc. I am the oldest daughter and feel so guilty about her recent death. She turned onto a freeway exit ramp instead of an outer road and was had a head on collision then was hit by a tractor trailer. Alcohol was likely a factor; we are still waiting on test results. I am new to this board and identify with what I have read about Adult Children.

I feel guilty about my mother's death. I feel like if I would have helped more, been around more, been more supportive of her, less embarrassed by her, this never would have happened. At the same time, part of me knows that this wasn't my fault. How do I soothe my guilty feelings?

My father was also an alcoholic; he died of lung cancer at 59. My mom died at the age of 57. It is so weird to lose both parents so soon.
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Old 10-27-2003, 01:08 AM
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It was in no way your fault.It sounds like you tried to help.But no one can make an alcoholic stop drinking.No one can control what another person will do.And some things are simply beyond our understanding.We do the best we can with what we have.

My heart goes out to you.My son's father recently died of lung cancer.I know what a terrible ordeal it is to see the suffering and be powerless to alleviate it.I hope you will feel welcome here,and continue to post.There are many caring and compassionate people who will offer love and support.

Keep coming back.


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Old 10-27-2003, 05:27 AM
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I sooth my guilt by understanding I did the best I knew how to do. I sooth my anger at my upbringing by knowing they also did the best they knew how to do.

Also I have come to believe there is a plan in our lives....we may never know why things happen.

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Old 10-27-2003, 05:33 AM
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Everyone has a resposibility to themselves, to live their own lives, and to make their own choices, good or bad. You could not have done anything to stop your mother's drinking if she wasn't ready to stop. Her drinking and her death was not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

My prayers go out to you. I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.

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Old 10-27-2003, 08:28 AM
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Location: st. louis MO
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Thank You

Thanks to all of you for your kind replies. This is such a tough situation for us. My sister and I both knew that "something" would happen someday. We just didn't know what. We prayed that no one else would be injured when/if that something happened. That prayer was answered; no one else was injured. We are finding small comforts, such as that she likely died instantly and didn't suffer.

She was such a good lady in so many ways. I keep telling myself that she was sick with an illness that often takes peoples lifes'. When a person dies related to substance abuse, the survivors often seem to question/blame themselves. If she would have died of cancer, I wouldn't be blaming myself. I don't know why I can understand the illness of alcoholism on one hand yet feel guilty on the other. Des I keep thinking of the "could have/should have's". I will keep coming back to this site for reinforcement. This just happened on Oct. 18th so it is relatively recent.

Thanks again!
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