My Dad died
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
My Dad died
Well, it turned out that my AF was not immortal -- he lasted a long time, being about three months shy of 91, but he expired peacfully at home yesterday. I talked to his nurse afterwards, and she said nothing much happened -- he just quietly stopped breathing, and with hospice care and a do-not-resuscitate order, they let him go.
I'm sure you guys can tell that I've been angry with my Dad a lot of the time; but now that he's gone, I have to say there are a lot of great things he did for me, too. Taught me a lot, always encouraged things I wanted to get involved with (even when I was reluctant myself, e.g., trying out for Little League, where after he cajoled me into joining, I turned out to be a good pitcher), coming to my music gigs. He and my Mom always gave me honest evaluations of whether they thought the band was any good -- that's much better than having them always tell you it's great; if they didn't like the band, they told me so; so if they did like it, I knew they were sincere!
My Dad was also a brilliant scientist, had good innate musical talent, and was loyal, to a fault. When I got involved with an alcoholic, he never second-guessed what I was doing or told me to get out -- instead, he supported us the whole way (through treatment, recovery, etc.).
So it's a mixed bag. At times, I've described my Dad as a raging, alcoholic control freak -- and he was that; but he was a lot of good things, too. Now that he's gone, I'm going to try and benefit from the good things, and move on past the bad, since we won't be fighting anymore....
T
I'm sure you guys can tell that I've been angry with my Dad a lot of the time; but now that he's gone, I have to say there are a lot of great things he did for me, too. Taught me a lot, always encouraged things I wanted to get involved with (even when I was reluctant myself, e.g., trying out for Little League, where after he cajoled me into joining, I turned out to be a good pitcher), coming to my music gigs. He and my Mom always gave me honest evaluations of whether they thought the band was any good -- that's much better than having them always tell you it's great; if they didn't like the band, they told me so; so if they did like it, I knew they were sincere!
My Dad was also a brilliant scientist, had good innate musical talent, and was loyal, to a fault. When I got involved with an alcoholic, he never second-guessed what I was doing or told me to get out -- instead, he supported us the whole way (through treatment, recovery, etc.).
So it's a mixed bag. At times, I've described my Dad as a raging, alcoholic control freak -- and he was that; but he was a lot of good things, too. Now that he's gone, I'm going to try and benefit from the good things, and move on past the bad, since we won't be fighting anymore....
T
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my father but it was many, many years ago. Like all fathers, he was human and as such, had faults. Just like you, I concentrate on the good times and let the bad issues go. He wasn't really a very good father, but I know he loved me and I loved him. Remember the good things about him and, again, I am sorry for your loss. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
Sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a parent is hard. Lost mine many years ago. Although, at the time, there were hard feelings, they are gone, now. I am able to see them as flawed human beings doing they best they could with what they had.
Save them in fond, loving memories. The bad is a reminder of what he could be at his worst, and that really wasn't him at all, just what was working through him at that time.
Save them in fond, loving memories. The bad is a reminder of what he could be at his worst, and that really wasn't him at all, just what was working through him at that time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
So it's a mixed bag. At times, I've described my Dad as a raging, alcoholic control freak -- and he was that; but he was a lot of good things, too. Now that he's gone, I'm going to try and benefit from the good things, and move on past the bad, since we won't be fighting anymore....
T
T
Sorry for your loss, and I appreciate your ability to benefit from the good things and move past the bad. I have read every one of your posts (I think, my father was a raging controlling alcoholic too) and I understand your pain, but also the relief of letting him go with grace.
Feel good T, you deserve it, as do we all.
Beth
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I lost my Dad in February, he was a young 84. I am sorry for your loss, it will take some time for the grieving process to end, let it flow.
Try and remember the good, let the bad go, serves no purpose and will just drag you down.
Try and remember the good, let the bad go, serves no purpose and will just drag you down.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Hiya hun,
I read all your posts about your dad, and reading between the lines it was very obvious you cared for him deeply and did your best against a very difficult situation.
Now that he has gone, it is very good that you can focus on the good things that happend and how he was there for you at certain times of your life. the way you describe him in your last post says to me that he was a very strong, honest man.
Controlling maybe, difficult and an alcholic as well, but he still shone through for you at times. I am glad you can remember the good times hun.
May he rest in peace, and god bless you and your family.
Hugs,
Suzie xx
I read all your posts about your dad, and reading between the lines it was very obvious you cared for him deeply and did your best against a very difficult situation.
Now that he has gone, it is very good that you can focus on the good things that happend and how he was there for you at certain times of your life. the way you describe him in your last post says to me that he was a very strong, honest man.
Controlling maybe, difficult and an alcholic as well, but he still shone through for you at times. I am glad you can remember the good times hun.
May he rest in peace, and god bless you and your family.
Hugs,
Suzie xx
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
I too am sorry to hear your loss. I have read many of your posts and identify with a lot of what you have said. My father was also very intelligent, although less controlling and more raging. And he too died quietly, which was ironic in light of all the tragedy/drama and his many close calls while drunk.
It will take time to work through the good and bad of his life and your relationship with him. I know what is it like to work through the grief of losing someone for whom I could feel, in a single moment, great love, deep respect, and seething anger.
It will take time to work through the good and bad of his life and your relationship with him. I know what is it like to work through the grief of losing someone for whom I could feel, in a single moment, great love, deep respect, and seething anger.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,235
I read ur share and send my
condolences.
I haven't experienced the lost
of my parents yet. Not sure how
I will feel when either passes
away.
Years of childhood physical and
verbal abuse at the hand of my
sick mom, I finally cut my ties
with her.
It wasn't until recently that I
finally had enough of her.
My recovery and sobriety
is extremely important to me
to allow anyone to disturb
that.
Over the yrs. I have tried to
be close to her to only be pushed
away one too many times.
Enough was enough.
I know she is sick in her own
way, but very toxic to me.
I learned in recovery and thru
my faith to forgive those that
hurt me for they know
not what they were doing.
Forgive but never forget.
Each time she pushed me
away was like reliving the
whole abuse thing again.
And each time resentments
creep in.
I can't live like that in recovery.
Serenity is important.
She isnt a bad person, infact
I think of her still as an attractive
woman, kind to strangers, but
sick.
It's still not right to take her
inventory. What gives me the
right?
Anyway....im sure when the
time comes, I will have strength
and courage to do what is right.
It will be an event I won't have
to go thru alone.
condolences.
I haven't experienced the lost
of my parents yet. Not sure how
I will feel when either passes
away.
Years of childhood physical and
verbal abuse at the hand of my
sick mom, I finally cut my ties
with her.
It wasn't until recently that I
finally had enough of her.
My recovery and sobriety
is extremely important to me
to allow anyone to disturb
that.
Over the yrs. I have tried to
be close to her to only be pushed
away one too many times.
Enough was enough.
I know she is sick in her own
way, but very toxic to me.
I learned in recovery and thru
my faith to forgive those that
hurt me for they know
not what they were doing.
Forgive but never forget.
Each time she pushed me
away was like reliving the
whole abuse thing again.
And each time resentments
creep in.
I can't live like that in recovery.
Serenity is important.
She isnt a bad person, infact
I think of her still as an attractive
woman, kind to strangers, but
sick.
It's still not right to take her
inventory. What gives me the
right?
Anyway....im sure when the
time comes, I will have strength
and courage to do what is right.
It will be an event I won't have
to go thru alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
(((( hugs ))))) T
When my folks died I had both good and bad feelings all mixed up in a soup. You seem to have some really solid serenity there, your recovery is admirable. Good for you
Let us know how you're doing, I know my emotions went for weeks in complete normalcy and then I'd get a faceful of chaos.
Mike
When my folks died I had both good and bad feelings all mixed up in a soup. You seem to have some really solid serenity there, your recovery is admirable. Good for you
Let us know how you're doing, I know my emotions went for weeks in complete normalcy and then I'd get a faceful of chaos.Mike
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
I am sorry for your loss.
I can relate a bit, I lost my alcoholic dad a couple years ago. I have forgiven him for the bad things, and remember him for the good. We didn't talk for 15 years before he died, now it's too late.
I can relate a bit, I lost my alcoholic dad a couple years ago. I have forgiven him for the bad things, and remember him for the good. We didn't talk for 15 years before he died, now it's too late.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi tromboneliness, sorry for the complicated loss. There's probably a lot of emotions - including a lot of good that you're processing right now. I hope you're been easy on yourself these past few weeks.
This sounds like a great idea 
Now that he's gone, I'm going to try and benefit from the good things, and move on past the bad, since we won't be fighting anymore....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
So sorry to hear about your dad. Its a good thing you can remember all the positive things between the two of you. That will help with the grieving progress.Its so tough loosing a loved one~~especially parents. Hugs~
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
So sorry to read about your loss.
And how you are handling it. Realizing what greatness they had and how talented they were. But how family life was really like. Some of us can certainly relate.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
And how you are handling it. Realizing what greatness they had and how talented they were. But how family life was really like. Some of us can certainly relate.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
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