After all this time I'm finding it hard to deal with again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3
After all this time I'm finding it hard to deal with again.
Hi, I'm new on here and have never really looked for help properly about my past but now I really feel I have to.
I grew up with both parents being alcoholics & chain smokers but my dad moved out when I was 8 and although I'd see him regularly, he didn't do that much to bother me. I guess because I was so caught up with my mothers drinking. My dad died about 18 months ago due to illnesses related to drinking and smoking.
My parents and grandparents divorced at the same time and my nan moved in with us. To cut a long story short things were really rough and mum was in and out of hospital and rehab. My nan spent every waking hour at work to support us so mostly it was just my younger sister and I at home.
Then at 17 my mum came home from rehab for the final time and has been dry ever since but she evicted us all so that her boyfriend could move in. I was really happy to be away from there and for the first time felt such relief and safety.
Shortly afterwards all of the family were on our backs saying how wonderful my mother was and how much she'd changed (family who previously didn't want to know) and were really pushing for us to see her and make peace. It was hard and I have to be honest, I hated her. However gradually I found it easier to talk to her and just get on. She was still not normal. She has a very strange personality like everyone owes her something & she has to have her own way. After 18 years of not working she was still relying on my nan for financial support. She's very childlike in so many ways, like she's just pretending to be an adult. I just accepted that my parents were this way and there was nothing I could do. I thought I'd made peace with it all.
At 21 I moved out from my nans & in with my partner and we've had some issues but I now feel more settled than ever and we have our 2nd baby on the way (I'm 25 now). It's only now that I'm having a lot of issues with it all. I have had nightmares several nights in a row about my mother and I haven't done that for years. I'd be comfortable in the same room as her but I don't like her seeing my son and I'm very nervous about when the new baby arrives as I know she will be very pushy when it comes to seeing the baby. She turned up uninvited when I had my son because I'd told her I wanted space and I'd invite her over when I was ready.
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this now and she is once again upsetting me so much. My nan wants me to come to hers on Christmas day and my mum will be there. I hate to think of her with my son. She goes around with him in one hand and a cigarette permanently in the other and giving him giant bags of chocolate (I mean massive) despite the fact I've told her he's on a chocolate ban due to fussy eating and no matter how much I tell her not to she doesn't listen. I guess I see me as a child in my son when he's with her and freak out that I don't want history to repeat for him. I kind of want to move far away but I'm not sure that's the answer.
Help
I grew up with both parents being alcoholics & chain smokers but my dad moved out when I was 8 and although I'd see him regularly, he didn't do that much to bother me. I guess because I was so caught up with my mothers drinking. My dad died about 18 months ago due to illnesses related to drinking and smoking.
My parents and grandparents divorced at the same time and my nan moved in with us. To cut a long story short things were really rough and mum was in and out of hospital and rehab. My nan spent every waking hour at work to support us so mostly it was just my younger sister and I at home.
Then at 17 my mum came home from rehab for the final time and has been dry ever since but she evicted us all so that her boyfriend could move in. I was really happy to be away from there and for the first time felt such relief and safety.
Shortly afterwards all of the family were on our backs saying how wonderful my mother was and how much she'd changed (family who previously didn't want to know) and were really pushing for us to see her and make peace. It was hard and I have to be honest, I hated her. However gradually I found it easier to talk to her and just get on. She was still not normal. She has a very strange personality like everyone owes her something & she has to have her own way. After 18 years of not working she was still relying on my nan for financial support. She's very childlike in so many ways, like she's just pretending to be an adult. I just accepted that my parents were this way and there was nothing I could do. I thought I'd made peace with it all.
At 21 I moved out from my nans & in with my partner and we've had some issues but I now feel more settled than ever and we have our 2nd baby on the way (I'm 25 now). It's only now that I'm having a lot of issues with it all. I have had nightmares several nights in a row about my mother and I haven't done that for years. I'd be comfortable in the same room as her but I don't like her seeing my son and I'm very nervous about when the new baby arrives as I know she will be very pushy when it comes to seeing the baby. She turned up uninvited when I had my son because I'd told her I wanted space and I'd invite her over when I was ready.
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this now and she is once again upsetting me so much. My nan wants me to come to hers on Christmas day and my mum will be there. I hate to think of her with my son. She goes around with him in one hand and a cigarette permanently in the other and giving him giant bags of chocolate (I mean massive) despite the fact I've told her he's on a chocolate ban due to fussy eating and no matter how much I tell her not to she doesn't listen. I guess I see me as a child in my son when he's with her and freak out that I don't want history to repeat for him. I kind of want to move far away but I'm not sure that's the answer.
Help
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The good thing is you recognize it is a problem and you need help.
Cheeses, it sounds like you lived the chaotic life of a child of alcoholic parents. My father was an abusive alcoholic, and I grew up never knowing what was next.
It is affecting you deeply now because you have children, the same thing happened to me.
Can you find a group of Adult Children of Alcoholics in your area? If not, I would try Al-Anon, they can help you find a way to deal with or without your mother in your life.
She sounds very toxic and scary to have around your children.
At the meetings you will learn how alcohol has affected you and your view of the world and you will learn how to set boundaries with your mother and keep them.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Beth
Cheeses, it sounds like you lived the chaotic life of a child of alcoholic parents. My father was an abusive alcoholic, and I grew up never knowing what was next.
It is affecting you deeply now because you have children, the same thing happened to me.
Can you find a group of Adult Children of Alcoholics in your area? If not, I would try Al-Anon, they can help you find a way to deal with or without your mother in your life.
She sounds very toxic and scary to have around your children.
At the meetings you will learn how alcohol has affected you and your view of the world and you will learn how to set boundaries with your mother and keep them.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Beth
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