Should I realize this tells me something about my mother?

Old 08-16-2010, 09:01 PM
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Should I realize this tells me something about my mother?

I have long heard that what others think of you often says more about who they really are--ie, that they believe others are like them. I have recently come to see how true this is firsthand, as someone close to me has been accusing me of ridiculous things for years, things I never considered doing. Come to find out, this person himself had been doing those things, so he assumed I might be, too, and was quite suspicious.

It got me thinking about all the times my mother accused me of lying, while I was growing up. Partly because I know what was in my mind and heart all those years, I believe my children are pretty decent kids. Does this mean that, because my mother always assumed I was lying (and I was a very honest child), does that mean she did a lot of lying as a child herself, and so assumed her kids were doing the same to her?

Lately, as I've looked more deeply at her behaviors as an adult and over the years, I've thought more about what she has told me about her childhood, and I think she was jealous, bitter, and resentful as a child, too.

I don't know if it's really important. It's such a small part of the overall picture. But I have just recently started to realize that she believed I was a liar, as I've seen how many other ugly things she believes of me, and how many perfectly normal incidents she has twisted in her mind into proof of my character flaws.
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:09 PM
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maybe she did alot of lying at the time as an adult? has major trust issues?
you will probably never know in entirety.

I know that I have been accused of outrageous things and it has nothing to do with who I am, and I also puzzled about who would think of these things in the first place.

I can never figure out someone else's thinking..especially one so foreign to me

I can decide how I will respond to them.
And I xcan see my past through my adulat lens of compassion for myself.
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Old 08-17-2010, 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
.... I have long heard that what others think of you often says more about who they really are....
That's been my experience too.

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
.... Does this mean that, because my mother always assumed I was lying (and I was a very honest child), does that mean she did a lot of lying as a child herself, and so assumed her kids were doing the same to her?....
Maybe. Maybe not.

Either way, how would that affect _your_ recovery today and how you live your life from now on?

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
.... I've thought more about what she has told me about her childhood, and I think she was jealous, bitter, and resentful as a child, too.....
Your mother is clearly toxic, so maybe she just accuses people as a normal kind of thing to do because she's a jealous, bitter and resentful _person_. Maybe her childhood had nothing to do with it, some people just grow up to be toxic adults for no good reason.


Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
.... I don't know if it's really important. ....
One of the "rules" of ACoA recovery is that it is important if _you_ say it's important You get to direct your own life and your own recovery, without any "shoulds" from our past.

Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
.... how many perfectly normal incidents she has twisted in her mind into proof of my character flaws....
One of the issues I had to deal with in my own recovery was recognizing how many of those "twisted accusations" I came to believe over the years. As a child I had no way of discerning the insanity of my parents, never mind filter out the truth from the venom. As an adult I have found the greatest freedom from working on those "low self-esteem" issues with my sponsor or a good shrink and clearing them out.

Mike
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Old 08-17-2010, 06:29 PM
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Recently I became aware of how (I) project my own issues onto others. We mirror what's going on inside us to our relationships in life. So no wonder things keep happening over and over again in work, friendships, families, this is part of me trying to make me pay attention to them so that they can heal. The take I got from this was that I need to be a LOT more patient with myself and the other person(s). At least this has been true for me.
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Old 08-24-2010, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post

Your mother is clearly toxic, so maybe she just accuses people as a normal kind of thing to do because she's a jealous, bitter and resentful _person_. Maybe her childhood had nothing to do with it, some people just grow up to be toxic adults for no good reason.


One of the issues I had to deal with in my own recovery was recognizing how many of those "twisted accusations" I came to believe over the years. As a child I had no way of discerning the insanity of my parents, never mind filter out the truth from the venom.
Mike
I guess I need to stop looking for reasons. And it's true it doesn't really matter why she is the way she is. I saw a counselor for awhile for EMDR therapy, and she, too, pointed out that my mother has it in for lots of people. I was thinking, as I drove home today, about how my mother has hated one of my cousins (well, the entire family) with a deep venom since this particular cousin was very young. She's even repeatedly mimicked this cousin's sister, who has Turner's Syndrome and cannot help the way she is, at least, not the things my mother mocked, such as weak muscle tone as a baby....yeah, an adult saying, "Duuuuuuhhh," and hanging her head to the side, looking stupid, to mock a baby.

Boy, is it good for me to hear myself say that! Why could I never see before how horrible that is? I guess because I was so used to it, it was normal.
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Old 08-24-2010, 08:04 PM
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That IS disgusting!

You didn't know any better and if you had, you were helpless and depdendent as a child so we need some protective gear to survive the wounds and pains. It's hat gets us through the day.
Then we turn into adults and have to review it all and change ourselves and it really isn't easy at all.
But worth it and ever so freeing.
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Old 08-25-2010, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
That IS disgusting!

You didn't know any better and if you had, you were helpless and depdendent as a child so we need some protective gear to survive the wounds and pains. It's hat gets us through the day.
Then we turn into adults and have to review it all and change ourselves and it really isn't easy at all.
But worth it and ever so freeing.
Thank you. I was thinking more about it in the shower this morning, and how I never thought much of my cousin, either. I didn't realize until I was in high school or even older that she was actually borderline mentally handicapped. My mother was always making snide cracks about all the kids in that family, and telling their mother how to raise them better, and to this day (although it finally dawned on me about 5 years ago why), she doesn't understand why my aunt makes no effort to get together with her.

My hope and prayer is that my own children see this for what it is much sooner than I did. I have told them a little bit, and they don't care for her constant monologues and complaining, but they still love her and want to spend time with my parents on occasion, and are hurt, torn, and upset that I won't go near my parents. I feel the more I say about why, the more danger I run of being just like my mother, who was forever working to turn us against our grandmother and cousins.
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