"Our parents did the best they could."

Old 08-07-2010, 07:49 AM
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I do believe in the phrase "they did the best they could." My mother's family of origin, plus what most of the family believes is an underlying but undiagnosed mental illness, did not exactly give her tools to be a good parent in most senses of the word. But. But these are the tools she had to work with: mental illness that caused her to explode in fits of rage then turn on a dime and be sweet and loving, leading to a person who was utterly unreliable (in all senses of the word - emotionally, physically, and practically); abject dejection at who she was with so little self esteem that every encounter was a source of terrifying fear for her which she attempted to cover up by being a bully; drinking to numb the internal pain.

Not exactly what one might call an ideal parent. But that was what she had to work with. She did the best she could. Was it good? No. Was it right? No. It cost my father his career eventually. The fallout on myself and my sister was severe. 15+ years of therapy and I am able to function pretty happily now. My sister? No therapy - still functions at about the same level she did when she was living at home, but substitute multiple husbands/ex-husbands for parents.

My father? He was raised an ACoA, he was emotionally and physically beaten down. This is the model he had of parenting. He did a better job of controlling his issues - until he retired. Now? Not so much. He also had not-so-great tools to work with. He did the best he could. And now, on top of his own issues that he brought to the marriage, he also carries severe guilt about not protecting us from our mother. He couldn't have. At the time we were young, divorce meant mothers got custody unless they could institutionalize the mother. She wasn't quite that bad (yet). So he stayed to prevent us from being raised only by her.

He did do the best he could with the tools available to him at the time. As did my mother. Was it damaging? yes. Was it good parenting? no. Did they have the *ability* to do any better than what they did? nope. Does it matter now? No, not really. As Mike pointed out - it doesn't matter what my parents did that got me to where I am today. The question is not "did they do their best?", the question is: Where do I want to go from here?

I chose to let go of the wondering. It makes no difference to me how they ended up the way they did. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I couldn't cure it. I can not change anyone except myself. So if I am unhappy, I need to figure out how *I* can make myself happy - not how I can try to force others to give me what I need. I needed stability - so I lived utterly alone for a period of some years where I didn't have outside influences interrupting me. I needed to feel safe - again, living alone (with my dogs) I was safe (or felt safe). I needed to find peace. I found it through many years of therapy.

Did my parents do the best they could? Yes, I honestly believe that they did. Could someone else have done better? Probably. But I didn't have someone else as parents, and it doesn't matter now/today anyway, as I am where I am and I have myself to work with. I have nothing but pity for my mother, who led a truly tragic life (and still does). I have sympathy for my father, who wants to lead a different style of life but feels trapped in the one he's in and has no idea how to get out of it. I have no love for my mother - she never did anything to engender that emotion in me. I love my father, but avoid him as much as possible when he's been drinking.

But I do feel that they did the best they could. Both were damaged human beings, both did what they could given the damage they carried with them.
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Old 08-07-2010, 09:35 PM
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Thank you for a thoughtful and thought-provoking post, Ginger.
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:00 PM
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chicory and ginger....when I started reading this post I thought to myself....NO way in HELL did my mother do the best she could've done. BUT after reading what you two wrote, I can understand this quote now and I supose I can accept it. Thank you.
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Old 08-10-2010, 03:09 AM
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Well, for me I don't know if my parents did or didn't do their best, I don't think anyone can speak about someone's potential (it reminds me of staying with A bacause we know what a great person he/she can be), I mean we can speak about it but what does it really mean?
But I know that for some reason or the other, because of their own circumstances, bacause their own caracter flaws, their own deficinences my parents couldn't do better.

I think there is a big difference between doing (or not doing) your best (as that kind of implies choice) and not being able to do better.
The second doesn't excuse the behaviour either, but it is much easier to forgive that way. And that forgivness is about helping me to cross that bridge to healthy and happy life.
Well, that's how I see it.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:33 PM
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I guess that for a lot of parents the saying is true. Most 'normal' parents by nature would do the best they knew how for their children. Some are clearly better than others. However I'd say that I was not alone in having two selfish parents. I don't know for sure I can say that of my dad but my mother still hasn't stopped thinking of herself first and the alcohol can no longer be blamed.

It can really upset me to hear people say that for many reasons.
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Old 08-21-2010, 12:42 PM
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I honestly think that when most people say "our parents did the best they could", that they don't really mean it. Usually, no matter how much anger or resentment you have towards your parents, part of you still has this unconditional love for them. By saying they did the best they could, your trying to make them sound like they aren't "bad" people.

I never really thought about the expression.... but now that I am, it really is just an excuse (in most cases).
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Old 08-24-2010, 09:27 AM
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for me - it's truly not excuse ~

It's about acceptance, understanding and letting of what i know "should" have been, what "could" have been and allowing the God of my understanding to heal me of what actually "was".

It's not excusing their behaviors, allowing them to get away with anything - it's just letting the past go and getting on with living in today.

Just what works for me - doesn't mean that it has to work for everyone else or anyone else.

Please take what you like and leave the rest

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:21 PM
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Wow, I just said that in my first post here. I sure hope people don't walk away from me for it?

I say it about my dad because I know without a doubt he made some "attempts" in the best way he was capable of doing at the time. No doubt, his choices also probably put his kids at risk when we were with him. I thank the Lord above that I never had to experience a horrible tragedy from it. Maybe I'd think otherwise. But I don't say it in any way to say he even came close to what a parent should be doing. Maybe I need to dwell on this a little more?

I guess it is something that is relevant to its own perspective. In my case, I don't feel out of line making that statement about my dad. Maybe it's easier since he is dead? Maybe it's easier now for me knowing that he probably was dealing with PTS syndrome that wasn't even thought of at the time. He was in wars - WWII and Korea. He was a child of the depression. I don't think I'm making excuses for him, but maybe I am. I just know he had one heck of a hard life...

Here's another thing (and I apologize if this has been addressed since I haven't read through all the responses yet), but I'm not angry at my dad. I don't know that I have ever felt much of that towards him. Should I be???? Maybe that is why it is easier for me to say this?

Oh well...this post is making me think.
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Old 09-05-2010, 06:46 AM
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I know with certainty that I am not making excuses for my parents. As they get older, they are changing and in many ways, behaviors they couldn't control in the past are becoming more intense and less controllable now.

Could someone else have done a better job raising me? Quite likely. Did my parents have the ability to be better parents? I honestly don't believe so. The set of "parenting tools" that my parents had at their disposal were not great.

My parents wanted to build a grand cathedral in me. They had the equivalent of a hammer and screwdriver to use. I didn't turn into a grand cathedral, but I was structurally sound enough to survive and rebuild myself into what I wanted to be. My parents did the best they could with what they had - I did the rest.
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Old 09-29-2010, 11:42 PM
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I would agree.... But they DIDN"T do the best they could. They decided to put themselves and their addictions over their children and thus passed on terrible traits and qualitys. Personally If I ever have kids I will NEVER abuse substances around them, put them in front of them, or sacrifice their safety and mental maturity for MY addictions. Forgiving is one concept, but to me this seems like a cop out. If they did the best they could I would not be 25 and dealing with the massive trust, intimacy, and spiritual issues that I tried to escape by stealing drugs from under her mattress when I was 12 years old. I would not have had to raise my brother, beg our neighbors for food, wear socks for gloves in the winter, or take cold showers in the winter, sit out youth sport sbecause she smoked when she was pregnant with me and I got terrible asthma (since grown out),

I want to let go of this burden, but I dont know if i can forgive her because she is a leech, a socio path, an addict, a self centered person that screams at me and guilt trips me when I call her out for her addictions, yet tries to play the "mom" roll when she wants me to buy her things. She is a joke, is not worth an ounce of my respect, and worth even less of my time. yet her actions (directly or indirectly) still haunt me to this day, are still causing chaos on my life, are still making it difficult for me to open up, be a normal person, and pursue the happiness that I deserve. I have taken accountability for my addictions (regardless of how they have started) so I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN, she did the WORST she could. I only speak for myself here, I am glad you folks can find solace in this, but I dont buy it for a second.

The only attempts she ever made to do anything is when she had enough money where she didn't have to worry about where she was getting her next fix from. But then once it ran out, I was yet again subject to another nervous breakdown, and sitting home alone for 2 days wondering where my mom is, calling my grandparents YET AGAIN to take care of me... but wait.... this time I had to go to the neighbors because the electricity and phone got shut off! but the dumb pos she bought that garbage from just got a new corvette that I can go take a ride in!

Nevermind the fact that people still look at me as that dumb piece of trash addict ladies son. Never mind the fact that I am still judged, looked down upon, and almost chastised because of HER actions. Never mind that she calls my friends for money, and of course never pays them back but promises them everything in the world. Nevermind that she dog sat for me and I came to her house to piles of crap and urine all over her house because she was too junked out (once again talking to herself and staring at the carpet) to take them outside. Did she even bother feeding them? when i got there they were in the pitch dark back hall.

There is a reason her rich parents aren't giving her a cent in her will. But wait???? she is their burden.... so now she is MY burden? (I already know my brother and I are getting everything) and I am going to be guilt tripped over hundreds of thousands of dollars? Bet that would take her less than a month to blow through.

I think you folks get the point. I just realize how much these issues effect me today when I was reading about co dependancy and how it alter your personality. This is all new to me, and frankly I am very upset right now. Hopefully it will pass in time, but she better stay out of my way for quite awhile. Sorry if I missed the point of this thread, but it is relevant to the posts i have been making in the wrong section.
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Old 10-02-2010, 12:48 PM
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I hated my parents for years for what they did to me; abuse-physical, emotional, and psychological. I have no memory of sexual. I could not speak of them without rage rising to the surface. That was before I got sober and, even then, it took some time.

I had to gain perspective. I feel they did the best for who they were; flawed, sick, human beings. I had every reason to hate them because, in part, it fueled my own sick emotional life.

I used what they did to me as an excuse for everything I did,on a subconscious and conscious level.

When I was able to take responsibility for my actions, through my life, I could see them, and me, for what they and I were/are. Sick people. I did not have children because I did not want to be responsible enough to change and become mature enough to raise a child in a healthy way. I knew what I was capable of doing. I did not want to change.
I was having too good a time, doing what I was doing. All the while, beneath the surface blaming them for something, didn't much matter, as they were my emotional/irresponsibility scapegoats. Whatever I did "they" were responsible, not me.

I had to accept, I was a headstrong, angry, determined, self-centered child, who was only interested in what "I" wanted regardless of whether it was okay or not. I would get caught, receive consequences, and do it again. Sounds sort of like addict behaviors, doesn't it? Should they have reacted the way they did? No. But, by my self-centered actions, I brought it on myself and still didn't learn. Stuck my hand in the fire, got burned, then, did it all over again.

I agree, what they did was not right. I have to accept my part, even as a child.
Am I defending them? No. Am I seeing life from a different perspective? Yes.

I feel like, if I had had a child, I would have done to it, what was done to me. The "generational curse", as I have heard it described.

Seems like, through their twisted perception of the world, they could behave any other way. Were they ever called out on it? No. Back then, things like that were not done very often. Especially in all be the "worst" families (whatever that means).

Ever had something tragic happen which required you going to funeral and you showed up high/drunk, whatever? People would say, behind your back, couldn't he/she just refrain, this once? Noway. It was the only way you would have known to handle such a situation. Just as they didn't know how to deal with me and my actions. So. I learned from them what to do when someone else didn't behave the way I thought they should have from my twisted perception of the world.

Just something to think about. I couldn't relate to this for a long time because my twisted perception and sick emotions, prevented it. For some, it may take a little time, others- a lot of time, still others, never.

We are all where we are in this journey. We each view life through our own set of filtered glasses.

Time either will, or will not, change the prescription...............
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Old 10-03-2010, 02:38 PM
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Meh, those birth parents of mine are indeed insane. I'm not! I thank God for sanity.

Did they do their best? I don't know. I really don't care. I don't talk to or even, usually, about the drunk bio-father. I have a new dad, and he's perfectly great. Mom? Still thinks like a sick person. I learned boundaries, though, and I'm fine.

What's so bad about getting angry? I think it's ok not to like something that's bad for you.

I think as long as it's not all consuming anger, and you're able to present wonderful things into the world, it's really ok to be angry. Sometimes.
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Old 10-04-2010, 11:22 AM
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I am sorry that happens to you.

"Nevermind the fact that people still look at me as that dumb piece of trash addict ladies son. "

You are you, no matter what she did or didn't do. :ghug3
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Old 10-08-2010, 08:46 PM
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This phrase hits me differently every time, depending on which parent I'm thinking about at the time... my alcoholic father or codependent mother. I have a lot more forgiveness for my mother when I hear that, but she is also the only parent who has ever tried to take ownership for her role in my less-than-perfect upbringing. She was very young and uneducated, 100% reliant on my dad for many years. It feels obvious to me that she really didn't know any better for a lot of the things that went wrong.

But that said, I can't stomach her company for very long.

To say my AF did the best he could? No, not really. He could have done better than choose alcohol addiction every time. He could have done better than be drunk at every xmas, birthday, and other special occasion, especially when it was clear that he could be sober when he wanted/needed to. He just choose not to.

Push come to shove, I like Ginger's statement:

My parents did the best they could with what they had - I did the rest.
Damn straight. My folks can get so busy fighting over who "owns" my brains or was the "most responsible" for how I turned out... they don't get that I succeed in spite of them.
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:07 PM
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My mother says this all of the time; so much so I believed it and now say it myself to fellow AAers.! ugh Alcoholism! Thanks for shining the light!
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Old 10-28-2010, 06:03 AM
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God! this is powerful stuff! Never saw this Thread before now.
I actually have had something of an epiphany in the last week! Friday of last week, I was yelling at my mother and relapsed yesterday week. Wed/thurs, f/by shouting at old lady Fri. Yup, she had it coming. But it changed NOTHING, so who is the fool?
Since, I have read until my eyes have fallen out, (ok not), Fought with AA peeps, and did a lot of thinking. I actually just spoke with my mother a little while ago and was quite masterful at cutting off the annoying conversation/negative/selfcentred/self aggrandizing.
She started on about my aunt in a negative light and I asked her what was the wedding cake like? She started on about the weather negatively and i said how invigorating i found it! She declined my invitation to go to town and visit someone and I said she was dead right and to enjoy her day as I would be doing it anyway! She made no mention of the "episode" and hell! neither did I! I am at a place where I have realised that I am after wasting many,many years upset at the past. I am leaving it all go! Freedom!!!
I have not taken a drink. I have really accepted that it is how I deal with and respond to them today that counts. They will NEVER change. They are what they are. I choose to live in the present.
I am absolutely NOT discounting my past, just not going to let it rule my present anymore. I am going to work the AA program until I am blue in the face!! I am not thrilled with all it's concepts but I realise that it is the only way to move forward.
If I come and find my car ruined by someone outside the store, I am not going to sit in the car for hours crying. It is done. The person who did the damage is a jerk! They have no consequences but the knowledge of what they did. If this does not bother them, I can do nothing about that. Ok, now I have rambled on enough. I am so absolutely grateful for this site! I am so grateful for AA. If they ask me one more time if I got on my knees yet................. Ha!
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