Just need to tell my story...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 1
Just need to tell my story...
Hello everyone. I am a 20 year old daughter of a cocaine addict. My father has been using heavily and almost daily since I was 12. Now, I don't really know where or how to start.
As I was growing up, he worked full time, went to night school, and coached our Little League teams. We would go on family vacations and spend time together. About the time this all started, my oldest brother went away to college. My father's mother passed away. And then everything began to crumble. It was as if my father forgot that he had two other children still at home. He began hating all of us, especially my mother. I knew something was different with my dad, but I was still really young and didn't know what was going on. I don't know if anyone flat out told me he was a cocaine addict; I may have figured it out on my own.
There would be rolled up dollar bills, or I'd hear my parents arguing. My father became extremely verbally abusive to my mom. I took the role as peacekeeper. After huge blow-outs with my dad, I'd watch a movie with my mom or go to dinner with her. This doesn't mean we got along though. She and I fought so bad after episodes with my dad. Whatever he said to her, she would take it out on me...she still does. My other brother who was still at home detached himself from the family. He became verbally abusive to my mom and me. He had shown no regard for us. And this is how it all started.
Once I finished highschool, I rebelled. I got an older boyfriend addicted to anything he could get, and I eventually got kicked out of my house for defending him. At home, it was now just my mom and dad. No one in our family spoke to one another. After 3 months of living hell, I moved out of the house my boyfriend and I rented, filing a domestic violence report against him. I didn't speak to my parents for the entire 2 months before I left to go to college.
Once I was at school, my mom and I had an entirely new relationship. We're now best friends. But things got worse with my dad last summer. I was home without a job, so I saw him in full action. Every morning screaming at my mom for god knows what. Snorting, humming to himself, screaming at us...it was scary. I got tired of it and stopped speaking to him unless I needed something. He didn't listen to anything we had to say. My mom set up an intervention with his sisters, but they ignored that he has a problem. So we don't speak to them either. My oldest brother moved out of the house when he got home from college after two years. My father told him he couldnt pay for it anymore because he "snorted all of his college money". Now, he didn't say this shamefully but spitefully, he has always disliked my oldest brother. My dad thought that because he had a job, and kids in college and his own house and was still married that having a cocaine addiction wasn't a problem. The problem was his family. He moved out at somepoint this past year, to his sister's house.
In October he got laid off from work, but didn't tell us till December. His sister kicked him out and he moved back home. At this point I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted my father. I told him now was better than ever to go to rehab, that he had no obligations with work and that insurance would pay some and we had money to pay the rest. He realized he had a problem and became very apologetic and actually LISTENED to what I said...it was unbelievable. BUT. After that night, he never remembered that conversation and denies it if it was ever brought up again.
This past semester I came home from school often. I noticed a rapid change in him. Or it was just more obvious for some reason. If I ever talked to him I never knew if he'd freak out in an insane rage for no reason or be playful and friendly. He developed this twitch or convulsion...his hips twitch, like he's humping the air once every minute or so...It's really awkward and uncomfortable to be around. And he hums to himself constantly...it's not a real song but something he just makes up and it's not very melodic. And on a few occasions I'll be sitting by myself reading or cooking and he'll ask who I'm talking to. And when I say I wasn't talking to anyone or at all, he thinks I'm messing with him to make him think he's crazy. But the truth is, he's hearing voices and convulsing and constantly using.
He won't go to rehab. he ignores reality. It's horrible. My family basically hates him because of this, and he doesn't see it at all. We have all confronted him. He's going to be 50 this year. Like the saying "can't teach an old dog new tricks" is there no hope he'll get help? We're all seriously waiting for him to just snap, or have a full on break of psychosis, or die from it.
And out of all of this...the rest of us have a great bond. My brothers and I get along so well, and same with our mom. And none of us turned to drugs or alcohol to escape from the emotional abuse our dad inflicts. It's amazing we're still all in one piece.
As I was growing up, he worked full time, went to night school, and coached our Little League teams. We would go on family vacations and spend time together. About the time this all started, my oldest brother went away to college. My father's mother passed away. And then everything began to crumble. It was as if my father forgot that he had two other children still at home. He began hating all of us, especially my mother. I knew something was different with my dad, but I was still really young and didn't know what was going on. I don't know if anyone flat out told me he was a cocaine addict; I may have figured it out on my own.
There would be rolled up dollar bills, or I'd hear my parents arguing. My father became extremely verbally abusive to my mom. I took the role as peacekeeper. After huge blow-outs with my dad, I'd watch a movie with my mom or go to dinner with her. This doesn't mean we got along though. She and I fought so bad after episodes with my dad. Whatever he said to her, she would take it out on me...she still does. My other brother who was still at home detached himself from the family. He became verbally abusive to my mom and me. He had shown no regard for us. And this is how it all started.
Once I finished highschool, I rebelled. I got an older boyfriend addicted to anything he could get, and I eventually got kicked out of my house for defending him. At home, it was now just my mom and dad. No one in our family spoke to one another. After 3 months of living hell, I moved out of the house my boyfriend and I rented, filing a domestic violence report against him. I didn't speak to my parents for the entire 2 months before I left to go to college.
Once I was at school, my mom and I had an entirely new relationship. We're now best friends. But things got worse with my dad last summer. I was home without a job, so I saw him in full action. Every morning screaming at my mom for god knows what. Snorting, humming to himself, screaming at us...it was scary. I got tired of it and stopped speaking to him unless I needed something. He didn't listen to anything we had to say. My mom set up an intervention with his sisters, but they ignored that he has a problem. So we don't speak to them either. My oldest brother moved out of the house when he got home from college after two years. My father told him he couldnt pay for it anymore because he "snorted all of his college money". Now, he didn't say this shamefully but spitefully, he has always disliked my oldest brother. My dad thought that because he had a job, and kids in college and his own house and was still married that having a cocaine addiction wasn't a problem. The problem was his family. He moved out at somepoint this past year, to his sister's house.
In October he got laid off from work, but didn't tell us till December. His sister kicked him out and he moved back home. At this point I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted my father. I told him now was better than ever to go to rehab, that he had no obligations with work and that insurance would pay some and we had money to pay the rest. He realized he had a problem and became very apologetic and actually LISTENED to what I said...it was unbelievable. BUT. After that night, he never remembered that conversation and denies it if it was ever brought up again.
This past semester I came home from school often. I noticed a rapid change in him. Or it was just more obvious for some reason. If I ever talked to him I never knew if he'd freak out in an insane rage for no reason or be playful and friendly. He developed this twitch or convulsion...his hips twitch, like he's humping the air once every minute or so...It's really awkward and uncomfortable to be around. And he hums to himself constantly...it's not a real song but something he just makes up and it's not very melodic. And on a few occasions I'll be sitting by myself reading or cooking and he'll ask who I'm talking to. And when I say I wasn't talking to anyone or at all, he thinks I'm messing with him to make him think he's crazy. But the truth is, he's hearing voices and convulsing and constantly using.
He won't go to rehab. he ignores reality. It's horrible. My family basically hates him because of this, and he doesn't see it at all. We have all confronted him. He's going to be 50 this year. Like the saying "can't teach an old dog new tricks" is there no hope he'll get help? We're all seriously waiting for him to just snap, or have a full on break of psychosis, or die from it.
And out of all of this...the rest of us have a great bond. My brothers and I get along so well, and same with our mom. And none of us turned to drugs or alcohol to escape from the emotional abuse our dad inflicts. It's amazing we're still all in one piece.
OSSSU!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Posts: 116
Stay strong and it's so nice to hear that you are still in school and holding it together.
I never met my father, as he was a married (and a made) man and had a family of his own when my mother got pregnant with me....I guess she figured she needed to find a father for me so she married a man and soon got pregnant with my sister.....This man was an IV heroin addict and they soon divorced....he was in and out of our lives for years, (died of AIDS a few years back)
Mother was a big binge drinker....bar tender....never home....pretty horrible all around.
You are doing very well considering your circumstances....at your age I was doing horribly.
I never met my father, as he was a married (and a made) man and had a family of his own when my mother got pregnant with me....I guess she figured she needed to find a father for me so she married a man and soon got pregnant with my sister.....This man was an IV heroin addict and they soon divorced....he was in and out of our lives for years, (died of AIDS a few years back)
Mother was a big binge drinker....bar tender....never home....pretty horrible all around.
You are doing very well considering your circumstances....at your age I was doing horribly.
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