new here, with so many questions! Good morning all. I am so glad to have found you! I have so much to say and ask but don't know where to start. I guess an introduction would be in order? I'm a divorced, 38 year old single mother of two daughters. Both of my parents have been functioning alcoholics/drug users for as long as I can remember. My mother is also mentally ill (bi polar) but has, in the last several months, stopped drinking and started attending meetings. They were both highly functioning, we never did without in any way, and there was no physical abuse. I have trouble even saying there was emotional abuse, because they weren't particularly mean or anything...just not really "there". So I have a good amount of guilt placing any of my issues on their addiction, but the bottom line is, I fit every single description of an ACoA to a T! I live very far away from them so I don't deal much with the day to day stuff, and haven't since I was 19 or so. I married and got the heck outta there. So I have finally realized, after years and years of unhappiness, depression and self hatred, something must be done. Not just for myself but for my sweet daughters. I am not doing as good a job with them as I should. It's almost as if they're being raised by an alcoholic, even though I don't even have a drinking problem, ya know? I want them to have self esteem befitting the wonderful smart loving girls they are. For myself, I am just tired of this life...I want to live while I still can. I am somewhat overweight and have a food addiction I believe. I've been divorced for 5 years, and in that time I've made a complete and total mess of every relationship I've tried to have. They never last more than a few weeks. In fact these days, I never get past the first date! It's getting harder and harder to imagine letting someone in, yet I am so very lonely. The only way I've been able to "connect" with someone in the past few years is physically, and that just makes the longing for love and understanding worse, so I've stopped that mostly. My first question I guess is, what should I be doing to start healing? I've been reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics book and have ordered a couple more by the same author. I have looked into meetings but the closest ACoA one is about an hour away and on a night I can't make. Would an Al Anon meeting be appropriate instead? And what can I do right now, today, to begin to raise my self esteem? I don't think counseling is really possible as I will be a student without insurance very soon. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this book lol. Any and all help is so appreciated. |
Alanon would be a good start. |
Hello bellejar, and pleased to "meet" you :)
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2647602)
.... I have so much to say and ask but don't know where to start. .... .
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2647602)
.... there was no physical abuse. I have trouble even saying there was emotional abuse, because they weren't particularly mean or anything...just not really "there". So I have a good amount of guilt placing any of my issues on their addiction .... . Children have gone thru war, torture camps, horrible diseases, and they all survive those ordeals just fine, if they are surrounded with love and emotional support. Those of us who do not get that support as children end up in meetings of ACoA, in therapy, and on medication.
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2647602)
.... It's almost as if they're being raised by an alcoholic, even though I don't even have a drinking problem, ya know? .... .
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2647602)
.... and in that time I've made a complete and total mess of every relationship I've tried to have. .... .
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2647602)
.... Would an Al Anon meeting be appropriate instead? .... . Al-Anon Online Store : Home
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2647602)
.... And what can I do right now, today, to begin to raise my self esteem?.... . Then do it. Just this one time. Then tomorrow you can think about something else real small, but for today you do just _one_ small thing. It sounds silly, but those little things add up and before you know you'll start to notice the difference.
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2647602)
.... I don't think counseling is really possible as I will be a student without insurance very soon.... . Welcome to our little corner of recovery. I'm glad you decided to join us :) Mike :) |
Thank you so much for that Mike! There is a meeting tomorrow night, I think I'll check it out and see how it feels. I will be at a community college. I'll look into the counseling, never thought about that. So I guess I just don't know how to love...which is so scary. I'm still super worried that I may have permanently damaged not only my relationship with my daughters but their self esteem as well. They are 12 and 7. I have to change this now for them and for myself. |
Originally Posted by bellejar
(Post 2648913)
I will be at a community college. I'll look into the counseling, never thought about that. Who would have thought I'd find a resource like that? She's a wonderful lady, and although I haven't met her in person, I have talked to her via phone in getting help with some issues. :) You might be surprised at the resources you find. Technically, I'm not an ACoA, my dad is, but I can check off all the characteristics of an ACoA. :scared: :lmao I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you continue to post. We also have forums for Friends and Family of Alcoholics/Addicts. |
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
(Post 2648924)
....Technically, I'm not an ACoA, my dad is, but I can check off all the characteristics of an ACoA..... Originally, ACoA started in the early 70's when a lady called Claudia Black started doing research on family dynamics in alcoholic homes. At the time, there was a lot of money for research into alcholism, and the pioneers like Dr. Black put that funding to work researching the effects of alcoholism on children. She published a book called "It will never happen to me", and in the early 80's it took off like wildfire. ACoA groups started springing up all over the world, those were wonderfuly exciting times. ACoA and research into the family dynamics have grown since then. A lot. Today we know it's not the _alcohol_ that causes the problem, it's the "toxic environment". Children suffer the same effect regardless of what chemical the adults are addicted to, and even if the addiction has nothing to do with chemicals. If the parents are adicted to gambling, or sex, or themselves, it doesn't matter, the children suffer. There's been a lot of suggestions to change the name to "Adult Children of Toxic Environments", or ACTE. It would be a huge expense in terms of copyright and public relations, and overall people seem to find us anyway. So, for now, we're sticking with the name and welcome anybody who's childhood was a mess due to their parents dysfunction. So if you want to be hip and cool, and keep up with the times, then technically you _are_ welcome to call yourself an ACoA, my dear Freedom :) Mike ((((( hugs ))))) |
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
(Post 2649221)
well if you want to be old-fashioned about it ;) Originally, ACoA started in the early 70's when a lady called Claudia Black started doing research on family dynamics in alcoholic homes. At the time, there was a lot of money for research into alcholism, and the pioneers like Dr. Black put that funding to work researching the effects of alcoholism on children. She published a book called "It will never happen to me", and in the early 80's it took off like wildfire. ACoA groups started springing up all over the world, those were wonderfuly exciting times. ACoA and research into the family dynamics have grown since then. A lot. Today we know it's not the _alcohol_ that causes the problem, it's the "toxic environment". Children suffer the same effect regardless of what chemical the adults are addicted to, and even if the addiction has nothing to do with chemicals. If the parents are adicted to gambling, or sex, or themselves, it doesn't matter, the children suffer. There's been a lot of suggestions to change the name to "Adult Children of Toxic Environments", or ACTE. It would be a huge expense in terms of copyright and public relations, and overall people seem to find us anyway. So, for now, we're sticking with the name and welcome anybody who's childhood was a mess due to their parents dysfunction. So if you want to be hip and cool, and keep up with the times, then technically you _are_ welcome to call yourself an ACoA, my dear Freedom :) Mike ((((( hugs ))))) |
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