Totally lost, confused, need guidance

Old 07-07-2010, 06:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Totally lost, confused, need guidance

My father has been an addict my entire life (and still is). After my mother passed away a few years ago, even though my parents were divorced my father used the opportunity to engage in more drugs as a coping mechanism. This is something that I have worked very hard to be at peace with. I do not participate in his addiction, I do not speak with him, and I do not see him.

Very recently my father lost his business, his license was revoked and he put people's safety in danger and committed lewd acts. It was a business that he and my mother started quite some time ago. The enabling on the part of my father's family has allowed the business to remain open for this long (and that is shocking).

When I had read about what had happened on the internet, half of me was filled with horror and the other with relief. The relief half felt: "finally, now everyone will see he is a sick, sick man and let's allow him to take responsibility and get help". And, of course, my family is getting him help alright- in the terms of lawyers and financial planning but they still refuse to believe he is an addict. And we can't talk about it and certainly I can't mention it.

This is making be feel absolutely crazy. I know he is addict, he is sick, he needs help and he needs to do it on his own.

As an only child with a very small family on my mother's side, I tried to maintain a relationship with my father's brothers and sister in laws. But this makes me so angry and really tears open old wounds, I'm not sure if I should walk away from them too and leave them to their charades.

I feel selfish and scared for wanting to walk away from my family but they are just as sick as he is.

Does anyone have any similar stories and if so, may I ask how you have dealt with the situation and how do you feel?
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Old 07-07-2010, 05:30 PM
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My mom is an alcoholic. By the time I accepted that she had a problem and put a word to the problem, the rest of my family was doing their best to pretend it didn't exist. Like your family, my family took on the attitude, "Don't talk about it or if you have to, treat it like it's a petty annoyance." Or sometimes they were simply indifferent to the whole situation. It's made me feel very, very alone. I've slowly been realizing that my family is sick too. I don't know that I would exactly apply the word "Enabler" to them, but they certainly do not make an effort to express how serious the situation is. I'm sure in some sense they are in denial mode.

In the past the way I chose to deal with it was to point out their behavior, but they wouldn't acknowledge it. Instead they would try to make me feel as if I was overreacting and emotionally unstable. I made a post a day or two ago in this forum referring to the latest "event" where this sort of thing played out.

Right now I feel like in my situation, it would be beneficial to me to put some distance between myself and my family. My sister has become really comfortable with my mother's illness because at the moment my mother while not necessarily well off, isn't in obvious distress. My mother is very sick, her liver is failing and there is no telling how much time she has left. Eventually there will come a time when her body reflects very obviously on the outside just how sick she is on the inside; then I expect my family can't keep hiding from the truth. We will talk then.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. We always hope when things get hard family will bond together, but sometimes ignoring the problem is the only emotionally viable option for people who are not yet willing to take on the full force of the situation.
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Old 07-07-2010, 05:49 PM
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Family dynamics are very hard to break. In many cases, they will do anything to avoid what they consider to be embarassment....that indeed is their issue, not yours.

I did not speak to my mother for 10 years, I was just plain tired of the drama and abuse.
What happended? Well, we have been back together for 7 years, she understand my bounderies, and, she knows I will enforce them, for me. Yes, she is still drinking, however, all the crap is over, done.

So, are you selfish? No, you need to do what you need to do for you, you cannot change him or them.

Take care of you, let the chips fall where there may.
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