Peaceinthehome

Went to see my mom who lives in another city last week. Worked my program, prayed stayed in touch with program friends so I didnt get hooked into her Adult Child stuff but she won and I lost it! I have an eating disorder my mom doesnt. She put me on diet pills as a teenager, was obsessed wiht her looks and was always mutton dressed as lamb. She has been nipped, tucked and botoxed into oblivion. I am still overweight and I stop being a confident self supporting recovering adult child the minute I am in her company and I go back to being an overweight child who feels like an overweight pig. She says, "here take this jersey home with you, its "MILEs" too big for me. She watches what I eat and almost spies on me. I feel humiliated around her. She has no respect for my boundaries but I let her do it to me. She is still obsessed with her looks and I am always reminded that she wins!!! All the time. She gets the guys. She gets the "looks", the compliments. I get her second hand jersey. Phew. I have some work ahead of me. My mom is a control freak adult child of alcoholics herself who measures her worth as a human being by the man/men in her life, and how good she looks. It's hard being around her. Even if I have had weeks of abstinence, the minute I am around her, I aminto the sugar and carbs. Thank God I dont live near her and only see her twice a year

roxiestone

I have a very similar experience and this is how I am dealing with it. It helps me not let her get to me so much (and I'm an old, old woman!!). I realize that her focus on the "external", the need to be the one, and the one who scores by how thin and how my guys - all of those things are just because she suffers from morbidly low self-esteem and is living an unexamined life. She is someone who MUST have external validation. Understanding what drives her has helped me have a bit of compassion and helps me diffuse situations like the one you described.

I've also had to realize that I cannot change her to be what I need. It's just not in her to do it. For whatever reason. No amount of wishing, pining, will make it so. I am now trying to deal with her as I can.

You (and me) are trying to fix ourselves. We are not perfect.

dollydo

My mom is always in competition with someone else, most time it is with me. Why, I have no clue. I attribute it to her low self-esteem, and, her alcoholism.

She is soon to be 85 and me, soon to be 63...I would have thought by now she would have outgrown her pettiness.

Sometimes I think that if one can put another down, it makes them feel bigger, better. However, I think it works the opposite way,.

Be happy in your own skin, after all, it is the only one you have.

I am sorry that she keeps playing her silly games with you.

Take care of you,

Dolly

Sasha4

I understand your experience - my mother even does it to my baby girl, 8 months old. Always on about not having a bruiser of a baby - my baby was 4lbs when she was born, seriously underweight. She made me feel so awkward when I was pregnant - don't put on too much weight etc etc.

When she was pregnant with me and my sister she starved herself.

Just remember that being a nice person is better than being a thin person

xx

evmdimples

I love this forum.

Above describes my mom to a T. An unexamined life, that's it... in a nutshell. My mom hides her head in the sand so as not to have to "see"... and she thinks nobody else will see either.

dollydo said My mom is always in competition with someone else, most time it is with me.

One of my good friends long ago told me that my mom acts like she's in a competition with me... that day the feelings I'd had for a lifetime were finally validated by someone who saw it. It wasn't me imagining things! Back then I didn't know about recovery work. Years later, I'm finally doing my work and what a difference it's making.

Sasha4 said my mother even does it to my baby girl, 8 months old.

Yep, my mom is already talking crap about my beautiful 5 yo niece... things like: she used to be such a beautiful healthy baby (healthy being a euphemism for chubby like most babies are)... and it's because the 5 yo is growing like a weed and has thinned out and is growing tall and gangly... and now that my brother is getting divorced, mom said the other day: I love my granddaughter, but it would've been better if she hadn't been born. I don't think they realize how harsh and unkind their words are. It's definitely a reflection of her own childhood crap. And choosing to live the unexamined life...

Have I said how much I love this forum??? !

ElegantlyWasted

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. It's not necessarily true especially when it comes from a parent. Took me a while to figure it out, but we have nearly absolute control over our own thoughts beliefs and actions. People only affect others to the extent they are allowed. It can be put in a bubble and blown away. They are who they are. We can love them despite their shortcommings, and do not have to like them all the time.

TheGirlInside

PEACE - Thank you SO MUCH for this post...I've recently been reading up on Narcissistic mothers. I googled it and found the website "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" (since it's a woman's blog, I suppose she could only offer her female perspective, hence 'daughters'). I perused that site, and found the page on Golden Child v. Scapegot...what an eye-opener...so many of the Scapegoat traits were just like me....

This is when I begain to realize, "So THAT'S why I always____." "Oh! Wow...that's why she used to ___." "Holy crap...No wonder I tend to ______." It was amazing.

One common trait they seem to share is: Keeping Up Appearances. My NM is beyond keeping up her physical appearance (been very obese for as long as I can remember), but she likes to make like she's such a socialite out in public. I love that BBC comedy, BTW...guess because I feel safe laughing at that woman, since she can't hear me on this side of the telly.

NM is a good one for offering fitness tips...um, okay...and you know how to be healthy, do ya?

She has my other 3 siblings convinced that my father is a bast***d and that she is a helpless victim...but, being the "scapegoat" that I am, I see it differently. She calls him every dirty name in the book. He swears, but I've never once heard him say one negative thing about her, not even her weight. She picks and picks and picks at him, starting an argument over something as dumb as pouring her milk at dinner or passing the salt rather than the pepper, then he gets upset, talks back to her, and she goes off into her room, crying (sometimes right when the food it sitting there, waiting, getting cold...much more dramatic effect that way).

Unlike the typical description of a narcissist, she prefers an audience for her abuse...but, she tries to make it look like she's the one being abused. I've often wondered why I'm the only one who sees through her glitter-covered b.s.

She has the other siblings convinced that I am not to be believed, that I'm a worthless schlub, and even though I called my brother one day after she admitted that she beat his 3-year old son, in warning, he would still rather let her continue to babysit. I haven't been allowed to babysit for him for the past 3 years (the boy is 5 now).

She's also great at buying all these self-help books...to give to the rest of us!! As if to say, "I'm perfectly fine...but you, you poor screwed up loser, here's a self help book for you." One day (for my own amusement), I asked her if she'd read any of those books...she said she hasn't. I asked her, "How do you know you want to recommend those to someone if you haven't read them yourself?" She said that she trusted the author and knew they wouldn't say anything she disagreed with...too funny! I also think I mentioned one time, "They're called SELF-help books for a reason."

Funny how she never wonders how we got so screwed up???

She used to try to tell me how to style my hair, until well into my 30s. I really pi***d her off one day when I finally said, condescendingly, "I'm an adult now. I get to make decisions for myself." i don't remember how she reacted, but I loved it!! Got a good laugh once I got back in my car later!!!

So, you can have fun with them, anyway...once you get over their emotional and mindgames. Some healthy time away could be in order.

Take care,

TheGirlInside

PS - What kind of men is she attracting? Are they the type you'd be proud to be seen with? Just curious.