Thank you for this site
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 15
Thank you for this site
Hi everyone,
i can't believe I came across this site, it is just what I'm looking for because I'm going through hell at the moment. I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, my father died 6 years ago, my mother is still alive. There was 10 children and we had a hell of an upbringing as my father was violent with the drink and my mother, completely neglectful (though to listen to her, she should win mother of the century). Neither of them have ever admitted what went on at home, my father beat us at night while drunk and then never mentioned anything when sober.....and I was always too scared of him to say anything! I'm now 40 and seeing a therapist because of it. I just cannot understand or accept the way they were and who the hell gave them the right to bring 10 children into the world and drag them up???? I really need to let go of all this hurt now as I need to get on with my own life and not have them still dragging me down. I have not spoken to my mother in 6 months and have really no wish to speak to her either. Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not alone in all this x
i can't believe I came across this site, it is just what I'm looking for because I'm going through hell at the moment. I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, my father died 6 years ago, my mother is still alive. There was 10 children and we had a hell of an upbringing as my father was violent with the drink and my mother, completely neglectful (though to listen to her, she should win mother of the century). Neither of them have ever admitted what went on at home, my father beat us at night while drunk and then never mentioned anything when sober.....and I was always too scared of him to say anything! I'm now 40 and seeing a therapist because of it. I just cannot understand or accept the way they were and who the hell gave them the right to bring 10 children into the world and drag them up???? I really need to let go of all this hurt now as I need to get on with my own life and not have them still dragging me down. I have not spoken to my mother in 6 months and have really no wish to speak to her either. Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not alone in all this x
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
I do hate the abuse, my attacker was my mother, a slapper and verbal abuser.
She has been drinking for at least 60 years. I cut the ties for 10 years, the most peaceful years of my life. I don't regret my decision, she now understands my bounderies, and, that I will stick to them.
Others will be here to offer support.
Dolly
I do hate the abuse, my attacker was my mother, a slapper and verbal abuser.
She has been drinking for at least 60 years. I cut the ties for 10 years, the most peaceful years of my life. I don't regret my decision, she now understands my bounderies, and, that I will stick to them.
Others will be here to offer support.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi there KatieKerry
Welcome to SR, glad you have found us.
I am so sorry to hear about your upbringing, you deserved so much more (((hugs))).
I'm 46, alcoholic father; non-alcoholic, narcissistic codependant mother; alcoholic brother - raised in physical, verbal and emotional abuse and neglect. I hear your anger and feel your hurt.
I am glad you are receiving help. Have a look around at the stickies and read the other posts. I find little bits & pieces from all over the family and friends forums that are helpful to me.
Post any time you feel like it, there are a lot of very wise heads around here lol
IWTHxxx
Welcome to SR, glad you have found us.
I am so sorry to hear about your upbringing, you deserved so much more (((hugs))).
I'm 46, alcoholic father; non-alcoholic, narcissistic codependant mother; alcoholic brother - raised in physical, verbal and emotional abuse and neglect. I hear your anger and feel your hurt.
I am glad you are receiving help. Have a look around at the stickies and read the other posts. I find little bits & pieces from all over the family and friends forums that are helpful to me.
Post any time you feel like it, there are a lot of very wise heads around here lol
IWTHxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 15
Thanks
Thanks Iwannaheal,
I read a few of your posts and sounds like you've gone through a tough time with your mother too. It's great to have a site where you come across people with similar stories, it's comforting. I've only started therapy so we'll see how it goes. There is a big family celebration next weekend (brothers 50th) and my mother will be there so I'm going to stay away, I would find it difficult being in the same room as the woman now. She has wronged me so often and in so many ways but she will still walk around with her head held high telling people what a great mother she was to us all. She will not accept that any of us are damaged by our upbringing, even though most of us have had councelling, she will say we're attention seekers and would completely deny there was any violence or neglect. Anyway, I'm just going to accept my life now without her in it, she doesn't bring anything positive to my life.
Thanks for listening.....
I read a few of your posts and sounds like you've gone through a tough time with your mother too. It's great to have a site where you come across people with similar stories, it's comforting. I've only started therapy so we'll see how it goes. There is a big family celebration next weekend (brothers 50th) and my mother will be there so I'm going to stay away, I would find it difficult being in the same room as the woman now. She has wronged me so often and in so many ways but she will still walk around with her head held high telling people what a great mother she was to us all. She will not accept that any of us are damaged by our upbringing, even though most of us have had councelling, she will say we're attention seekers and would completely deny there was any violence or neglect. Anyway, I'm just going to accept my life now without her in it, she doesn't bring anything positive to my life.
Thanks for listening.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Katie,
After I found this site, I went to the top where the "stickies" are and found the "13 common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics". I printed it out and took it to my therapist. I'd been in therapy off and on for who knows how many years before I came across this forum. That one list put everything into place for me.
I gave the list to my therapist with two items lined out (two that didn't apply to me) and said "Pick one and let's get started". From there on out, my recovery really took off.
Both of my parents are alcoholics. One was very physically abusive, the other was largely absent. I have found peace with my past, and no longer struggle with my own residual behavior. Oh sure, every once in a while something comes up that pushes an old button for me, but I would say it's now once or twice per year, rather than the daily occurrences it had been before.
Hang in there. You've gotten over the hardest part - the part where you see that damage was done to you and you admit to yourself that you need help. Not that the rest will be easy, but it will be productive. And each layer deeper you dig, you will find new strength in yourself until one day you will say "How on earth did I manage to survive that emotionally intact, let alone functional?" It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.
Letting go of dysfunctional people is no sign of weakness either. It takes a very strong heart to pull away from the brainwashing techniques you've been subjected to. You do what you need to do to make sure you're in good shape.
Welcome aboard.
After I found this site, I went to the top where the "stickies" are and found the "13 common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics". I printed it out and took it to my therapist. I'd been in therapy off and on for who knows how many years before I came across this forum. That one list put everything into place for me.
I gave the list to my therapist with two items lined out (two that didn't apply to me) and said "Pick one and let's get started". From there on out, my recovery really took off.
Both of my parents are alcoholics. One was very physically abusive, the other was largely absent. I have found peace with my past, and no longer struggle with my own residual behavior. Oh sure, every once in a while something comes up that pushes an old button for me, but I would say it's now once or twice per year, rather than the daily occurrences it had been before.
Hang in there. You've gotten over the hardest part - the part where you see that damage was done to you and you admit to yourself that you need help. Not that the rest will be easy, but it will be productive. And each layer deeper you dig, you will find new strength in yourself until one day you will say "How on earth did I manage to survive that emotionally intact, let alone functional?" It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.
Letting go of dysfunctional people is no sign of weakness either. It takes a very strong heart to pull away from the brainwashing techniques you've been subjected to. You do what you need to do to make sure you're in good shape.
Welcome aboard.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 15
Hi GingerM,
Thank you for that, it's very encouraging. I can't find where the "stickies" are though, where exactly are they on the site? I would find that great, common characteristics, to me that really means it wasn't our fault, it really was theirs.
Thanks again....
Thank you for that, it's very encouraging. I can't find where the "stickies" are though, where exactly are they on the site? I would find that great, common characteristics, to me that really means it wasn't our fault, it really was theirs.
Thanks again....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 15
GingerM,
I found it and will print it off. I would tick yes to 11 of those.....maybe 12, which is a bit fightening. I never realised that people ended up that way because of the alcohol, abuse, neglect.....this site has definitely opened my eyes to a few things, I was always afraid to talk about it because I was so ashamed of what happened to me, I always thought I must have been a dreadful child for my parents to dislike me and treat me like that but it's comforting to know there are plenty more like me....
X
I found it and will print it off. I would tick yes to 11 of those.....maybe 12, which is a bit fightening. I never realised that people ended up that way because of the alcohol, abuse, neglect.....this site has definitely opened my eyes to a few things, I was always afraid to talk about it because I was so ashamed of what happened to me, I always thought I must have been a dreadful child for my parents to dislike me and treat me like that but it's comforting to know there are plenty more like me....
X
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
There are a frightening number of people like you and me out there. What's more frightening is the number of them who think that how we grew up was "normal" and continue to perpetuate the cycle 
I'm glad you found the strength and had the smarts to realize that the lifestyle you grew up in wasn't healthy and are willing to change it. You're one of the lucky ones - like me and like most of us on this forum.
You will never be fully "recovered" from your past - it is, after all, part of who you are. But you can learn to be in control of your present and your future and not allow the past to dictate what kind of person you want to be. There are examples of that on this forum.
You can do it, as long as you're willing to put the effort into it. I'm here to tell you that the work is so very worth the reward!
I'm glad you found the strength and had the smarts to realize that the lifestyle you grew up in wasn't healthy and are willing to change it. You're one of the lucky ones - like me and like most of us on this forum.
You will never be fully "recovered" from your past - it is, after all, part of who you are. But you can learn to be in control of your present and your future and not allow the past to dictate what kind of person you want to be. There are examples of that on this forum.
You can do it, as long as you're willing to put the effort into it. I'm here to tell you that the work is so very worth the reward!
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