summila

just been trying to find a place to go with other adult children of alcohol,drugs and abuse.i am not looking for a twelve step program at this time. i am not really looking for councelling just interested in talking some place or with someone who may have similar background and willing to talk about it. i am 35yr old female. grew up with alcoholic mother that also became a meth addict about 10yrs ago.i am past feeling sorry for myself as that was something i grew out of. however, this is still a part of me every day and i am just looking for an outlet.

Starburst

Welcome to SR this is just the place to be, I also came on here looking for someone else who has been through what we have. I am a 42yr old female, my father was an alcoholic, my mum although not an alcoholic wasnt always sober either. My mom divorced my dad when i was 3yrs so i never really had the effects of it, except that he was never around and when i did try to visit him, he was either drunk or a no show. I was determined never to drink and so never have, but as the wheel turns, i married an alcoholic, but before our marriage he was clean and sober, it has just been in the last 3 years that he slipped and i am trying to work through it all and the loss of income that comes with it. I hope you will find what you are looking for here and begin to heal yourself. Keep writing and we will keep reading.

(((HUGS)))

summila

thanks for the welcome and your sharing. i drank when i was a teen but stopped when i was 17. i looked in the mirror when i was drunk and saw my moms face. scared the hell out of me. only have drank twice since. my dad was never around. he left when i was a baby. i dont have much anger or sadness with that though cause they were just kids when i came so i kinda understand. i too tend to follow same cycle only in a different way than you. i was married(not to an alcohlic) he was the right person but i just couldnt deal with someone loving me so much. however the pattern were my mom is concerned remains the one constant in my life. my mom is now 52 and a meth addict. i continue to enable her life style cause i dont know any other way. i dont envy your situation at all. its really tough living with a drinker. it seems our loved oness get to medicate the pain while we have to live with the consequences, pain and pick up all the pieces. thank you again and best of luck to you

Starburst

Hi S, i really feel for you, couldnt have been fun being a drunk teenager. But thank GOD you were able to see the lignt! Has your mom ever been for help via a Dr. how did she become a meths addict and how do enable her? do u buy it for her or does she buy it herself? how are u coping day to day? Do you have someone to talk too? what gets you through each day? my prayers and thoughts are with you.

dothi

Hi mamm, I want to point out that even if you didn't like with the alcoholic parent, you still received the message that drinking was consistently more important that you. Sure, that's not "as bad" as being hit or yelled at, but it's still a dysfunctional message being inappropriately communicated to a child. No matter who you are, you deserved more than that.

dothi

Hi summila, welcome to SR!

I don't have a whole lot to offer in terms of similar adult experiences, but I did grow up in an environment of addicts. For now, I just wanted to comment on one thing...

Quote:

Originally Posted by summila

the pattern were my mom is concerned remains the one constant in my life.

This reminded me of a story at Thanksgiving. A friend used to cut back the edges of the turkey before putting it in the oven. Why asked why, she said because that's how her mom always did it. When the friend asked her mom, it was because that's how her mother had always done it. Eventually answers were sought and it turned out that my friend's grandmother, way back in the day, used to trim back the edges of the turkey because her oven had been physically too small to fit a full-sized bird. It wasn't something she had intended to pass to her daughter/granddaughter/etc. And to boot, it was totally unnecessary now because both her daughter and granddaughter's ovens were perfectly big enough to fit a full-sized bird.

It's a great story because this stuff happens between parents and children all the time. We learn things and start believing things that were never meant to be life lessons; we picked them up by virtue of just being there in the company of our parents.

Just because something's constant, doesn't mean it's necessarily serving a key purpose. Sometimes they're just there; doesn't mean they're things to be read into. And with your mom, sure she's been your constant for a long time. So is everybody else's mom - it's how moms are. But just because life happened to give you this particular mom... just keep it mind, it might not be meant to mean anything about you.

Keep reading and posting, and welcome again to SR!

dothi

Oops, mamm, that should read, "even if you didn't live with the alcoholic parent"

summila

how i enable my mom? well no idont buy the drugs. However ido pay alot of her bills because i cant handle seeing her homeless. couple yrs ago i saw my mom walking around town with garbage bag of clothes. i just kept driving cause i didnt want her to see me. i went to a abandond house she was sometimes staying in and what i saw was more then i could handle. no my mom has never really received any help for addiction. in her mind her life is like this cause of everyone else. she takes no responsabilty for her life and everything is allways someone elses fault. she will never get help cause in her mind its up to everyone else to fix her life. for me at this moment its not all about my crappy childhood. its more about how to function day to day with this still continueing. i am past intervention stage. it is very unlikely my mom will recover from this. now i am more concerned with if my brother and i can recover from her.

Starburst

Hi Dothi, thanks for yr comment , i agree with you, but have been thinking today alot about my D, in reality i never really knew him, my mom divorced him when I was 3, saw him maybe 4 times, before he died of A when I was 15. But somehow, cant bring myself to believe he was a bad person, he was always very sweet and kind to me, if nobody had told me he was an alcoholic, would I have even known? I seem to more think, my mom wasnt emotionally there for me, shiped me off to boarding school (CT) at 10 yrs, then off to a new school in JHB. She was always angry and very strict!. I think she blamed me or him for the way her life turned out. She married him way too young and didnt know he was an A. I dont know trying to work through all these feelings! Also in my mind, i think she herself drank way too much, and can say very nasty, hurtful things. But with age, she has got much better.

Starburst

Hi Summilla, it must be difficult when the addict doesnt think they have any troubles. Also being your mom who should be your main caregiver, you would feel what you do, mothers are supposed to protect, care and love you. Unfortunately ''we have to honour our parents'' so it would be hard to abandon them, even though they have not done right by us! I don't know if you will ever recover or if there is a magic remedy.. the damage has been done, but sometimes we have to make a choice, to chose how we are going to live, make a new life for ourselves, taking small baby steps at a time. You are a special person and with what you have been through in life you can make a difference in someone elses. keep posting. ''Sometimes we have to be in the rain, before we can experience the sunshine!''

spinwc

Summilla..I too had an alcoholic father and grew up in a war zone. I am 37 and the past still haunts me. If you need to talk please PM me. There is alot of support her...keep reading! it helps!

summila

spinwc
I have read some of your postings and am interested in hearing more. some of the things you have said are familar to me. my grandfather was a closet alcoholic for my moms childhood. that is real hard to say cause i love and respect him so much and feel shame for saying anything hurtfull about him. anyway if you are interested and willing i would like to hear more about your story. so far i have come across people in these sites that are rightfully looking for help and encouragement. i do understand those needs however i am kind of looking for someone just to share stories and expieriances with at this time. just kinda want a place to say it out loud with someone who can relate. its ok if you are not that person looking for the same thing but if you are let ne know

KatieKerry

Hi Sumilla,

Welcome to the site, I'm new enough to it myself. 40 years of age and trying to come to terms with being brought up by both mother and father being alcoholics and my father was violent when drunk. My father passed away and I now do not speak to my mother as I can't cope with the drinking and the pretence that we had a great childhood, when she can't remember most of it. Just started therapy because I know now that I need professional help with this, I am suffering depression the last few months. I need to get rid of the anger and hurt I feel towards my parents.

I started drinking at around 16, never really thought I had a problem but sometimes would get really drunk and just cry all night because of my past. I haven't had a drink the last couple of weeks to try and keep my mind straight while I'm in therapy. I really want to sort this out this time.

Anyway, keep posting........it does help to know you're not alone in all this.
xx