dothi

About a month ago, I broke up with my partner of 3.5 years. This guy supported me through finishing a grad degree, contending with my family, and moving across the country. I also supported him through his schooling, financially (as he struggled for work after graduating), and through various family issues. We shared an awesome sense of humour, were intellectually well-matched, and were both caring personalities.

I left because I saw unhealthy things in our relationship that were unlikely to be uprooted. I had always sensed but finally saw his incredible resentment/anger he had been withholding towards my family. I also saw that he tended to disregard my opinions on family issues (because I come from such a screwed up family, what could I possibly know... is how I was starting to feel). It had become a catch-all for many problems I would bring up, including the bedroom. Anything I wanted to try was automatically deviant because I'm clearly a messed up person who doesn't know what healthy is. I spent the last ~6 months acutely aware of how ashamed I felt about myself (sexually and intellectually). Because his needs were still being sufficiently met, he was oblivious and could have continued like this indefinitely. It does break my heart to see that he genuinely does not understand my side of the relationship, or how I'm feeling at all.

I also saw myself, like my mom, walking on eggshells around him. He doesn't have a violent temper or anything. But I couldn't handle him. I don't know how else to put it. He didn't have to smash anything in order for his anger to make me extremely uncomfortable. But sort of like my dad (a nonviolent, emotional abuser), he could say and act in such a way that I couldn't stand up to. This is my problem, I realize, in responding more appropriately to this kind of anger (communicating more clearly, instead of being scared away). But push-come-to-shove, now that we're at this point, it's something I consider unfixable. This trigger is too well-engrained for me to just fix... for him... and all by myself...

How it happened was surreal. The back of my mind must have been working on this. I literally woke up one morning, thinking "today we'll talk", and bang! - he was angrier (yelling!) than I've ever seen him, now that I was calling him on the fundamental unhappiness I wanted us to resolve. I see now that he does consider my feelings "wrong" (thus I need to change, not that we need to figure out a compromise).

After all the browsing I had been doing on the Friends and Family forum, I knew exactly what had to be done in order for this breakup to go as smoothly as possible. I went from living with my partner, to couchsurfing for a week, to shacking up with some work buddies from last summer, to skimming kijiji apartment ads for a place this fall. This is the most out of control my life has ever been. I'm a perfectionist/control freak - I should be having a nervous breakdown. Instead I planned a beautiful weeklong roadtrip by myself to put some time and distance between me and hurting someone I deeply care about. The roadtrip I wasn't ambivilant AT ALL about (even though it's the kind of thing in the past that I would have been TERRIFIED to do on my own). I knew I had a good friend about ~12h away and decided it would be a good drive.

Right now my ex and I have minimal contact. Strictly business related (still unavoidable, as I still get mail there; will change all that once I know where I'm living for sure). The guilt I felt during the following week was agonizing, but I also feel so much relief not being with him anymore. I'm sad and panicked sometimes about being alone and hurting him. Sometimes I still need to just talk to someone and cry. But most of the time I just feel FREE, and I know I'm going to be okay.

So that's my update... Any advice/anecdotes welcome!

cymbal

I don't have any anecdotes or advice, but I wanted to acknowledge reading your post, and being very proud of your recovery shining through.

(((((cyber hugs)))))

tromboneliness

Ack... I remember some of that. I didn't end up leaving, but I did surreptitiously collect cardboard boxes and stash them in the basement for a few months, in case I had to pack up and go. As for my mail, I got a box at a Mail Boxes Etc. store and started having all my financial statements and bills sent there (anticipating major dirty tricks if I'd had to move out and still had credit card bills and mutual fund statements coming to the old address), etc. I even planned to fly in a friend to just hang around and be a calming presence while I loaded stuff up and moved it out of the house.

As it turned out, I never had to do that -- she went into recovery, and we're still together, 14 years later -- but I certainly remember the anxiety and worst-case-scenario planning that went on. Certainly, there's no way to fix what you're going through -- but I would recommend getting a mailbox. The only wrinkle with that is that the US Postal Service will not forward your mail to a private mailbox (not for any logistical reason, but just because they don't like the competition, and postal regulations allow them to refuse to forward mail to or from private mailbox stores, so they do ) -- I had to call my credit-card and mutual fund companies and change my address with them. I think the USPS will forward mail to a P.O. box, so that might be an easier way to do it.

T