Is anyone else in this situation?

Old 05-23-2010, 09:49 PM
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Is anyone else in this situation?

I've looked through ACOA sites before, and realized that they aren't meant for me. But this forum seems to be bigger than others I've looked into, so maybe there is someone else here in my situation?

I'm the adult child of an alcoholic, but I was NOT raised by an alcoholic. Which is not to say my childhood was perfect (or without any verbal/emotional abuse, for that matter), but I was not directly exposed to substance abuse (in fact, I was shielded from the addictions of extended family members) and I am not dealing with the unique problems that are a result of that early exposure.

My mom did not start her slide into alcoholism until I was in my mid-20s. Now I'm 30, she has been to detox once and then rehab a year later and is now drinking again. I'm dealing with questions like, Will I ever get my "real" mom back? Will I be able to let my future children (near future!) spend time with their grandma? How do I handle each visit back home? How do I support my younger siblings, who have had to deal with more of this at a younger age than I did?

And honestly, I'm a little frustrated that 95% of the advice I find for ACOAs assumes that you yourself are dealing with the aftermath of an alcohol-tinged childhood, and that assumption colors all of the advice. Yet not all of the advice for friends/spouses/etc feels quite relevant when it's your parent. There's a different history, power dynamic, etc when it's your parent.

I'm sure this is a rare situation - how many people develop alcoholism in their 40s after never having ANY problems with it before? But is there anyone else here in a similar situation, or has anyone run across resources for those of us who are?
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Old 05-25-2010, 07:13 AM
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I cannot address your situation directly, but there are some basic things to keep in mind.
The first is that only your mother can make the decision to recover. No amount of pleading and reasoning will make them change until they WANT it, and that is something that cannot be assured by a mountain of promises. Years of experience and testimony bear this out - summed up in the 3 C's
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it.
Personal experience - My mother died from her alcoholism and drug addictions, and no amount of pleading from her mother, father, sisters, brothers, children or friends made a single bit of difference.
What you can do is establish boundaries for behavior you will and will not accept from your mother as it is directed toward you. For instance "If I visit you and you have been drinking I will leave". I can't say if this would have worked with either my mother or (also deceased) father, but pleading or putting up with the behavior is definitely a losing game plan.
As for your siblings, they also must decide on their own if they want a different life of not. It is the 'leading a horse to water' problem. You can tell them about programs, counseling, books, al-anon, etc. but it is up to them to take that path. You can be an good example and a trusted friend.
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:23 AM
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Hi Pipkin and welcome to SR

What I have learnt since joining SR is that alcoholism is a family disease that results in varying levels of family dysfunction.

I too was like your mother and like you, up until last year, I thought my children were shielded from addiction.... or so I believed. I now know different. They have interacted with their Uncle, who at age 40, is middle-stage alcoholism. They have interacted with their Nana who is a chronic enabler and co-dependent. They interact with their Dad whose own Dad died of alcoholism. They interact with me whose Dad died of alcoholism and who is codependent and was everyone's caretaker.

They may not be living with active addiction, like I did, but the resultant family behaviours of alcoholism and dysfunction surround them. What I can do is love them, be a good parent, be aware of my roots and model healthy adult behaviours.

You too can be there and be aware for your siblings and your own children.

Keep posting, IWTHxxx
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Old 05-25-2010, 07:28 PM
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Hello pipkin, and welcome to SoberRecovery

Originally Posted by pipkin View Post
... There's a different history, power dynamic, etc when it's your parent....
Yes of course there is, and you're absolutely right. ACoA was never intended for that particular relationship. The organization that is designed for adults dealing with adult family members that are actively involved in alcohlism is al-anon.

You can find them here

Al-Anon and Alateen

we have a forum "next door" for friends and family

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Most of the current members are spouses of alcoholics, but you will find that their issues are _much_ closer to what you have mentioned than what ACoA is about. Please take a little time to check out these other resources and see if they are more suitable to your needs.

Of course, you are welcome to continue using the ACoA forum, whether it fits you or not

Mike
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Old 05-27-2010, 08:16 AM
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Is it possible that your mom has been an alcoholic all along? You say there was emotional and verbal abuse in your childhood, so I just wonder. Perhaps she was always an alcoholic and it was easier to hide the actual drinking from you while you were still young. Just because the alcoholism was hidden from you, or was not as progressed as it became in your 20's, it doesn't mean you weren't affected by it and it doesn't mean you aren't an ACOA.

Both of my parents are alcoholic but to be honest with you I have no memories of EVER seeing either of them drink or be drunk. That doesn't mean I'm not an ACOA, it just means they hid it from me!

The main reason why I never saw my dad drink is because he pretty much completely dropped out of my life when my parents split up when I was about a year old. I've only met him about 4 or 5 times in my life. I've had to deal with abandonment issues my whole life, this is how his alcoholism affects me.

I also never saw my mother drink, she would do it after I went to bed and then she also got sober when I was around 7 years old. But even after she got sober life was still chaotic for me, and she treated me like a mini-adult who was supposed to fix all her problems. There were lots of ways that her alcoholism affected me, despite the fact that I never saw her stumbling around with a drink in her hand.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so I suspect that your mother's alcoholism didn't just suddenly spring forth once you became an adult, it was probably lurking all along and affecting your formative years in some ways that have yet to be seen. Are you seeing a therapist? I found that going to therapy was really essential to me when I started working through this stuff. Helped me really stay pointed in the right direction and my therapist really helped me to stop minimizing and excusing my parent's behavior.
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