EveningRose

I think I've been doing pretty well. Then my husband invited my family to a big event this weekend. I stayed away from them. But it was nerve-wracking, in light of recent criticism of my parenting, especially as this was the day, after many months of wonderful behavior in church, that my boys decided to be difficult. I could just imagine the critical thoughts and what would be said later, by my parents and siblings, about my kids and about me. I think I did better at not going into as deep a downward spiral as I have before over these things. But I'm still fighting the resentment, getting critical of myself and my children, and sinking back into despair.

Does there come a day when these things won't set me off? Is there a way to prepare for it and cope with having to be around people like this? To stop letting their critical natures bother me? Part of the difficulty here is that my children want to go to holidays and events with my family.

The other thing is that one specific incident from high school has been preying on my mind since the weekend. It was a small, stupid thing in comparison to some of the rest. An incident of my mother mimicking something totally harmless I did while sneering at me and ridiculing me. (I had taken some ballet and did a step at home. My mother, who is about 5' and as wide as she is tall, imitated it, making it look like a dog peeing on a tree. There was absolutely no reason to do such a thing. I guess she was just in a bad mood that day?) My question is, why do these small things have any impact so many years later? And does it do us any good to get at the why's? Or how do we put these things to rest, put it in perspective, and quit letting it bother us?

tromboneliness

My attitude about critical thoughts possibly being harbored by my family is: they can think whatever the h3ll they want -- it ain't none of their business, and they're not going to rent space in my head. As for your mom ridiculing you, that just reflects badly on her, not you.

When I'm feeling self-conscious and/or critical, I like to remind myself that it's not all about me. I might think it is, at times, but the fact is, everyone is not staring at me, watching my every move in hopes that I'll do something stupid that they can ridicule, or just following me around because I look like such an idiot. Most people don't give a you-know-what about what I'm doing. I can pretty much get away with a lot of mistakes -- or just go around with socks that don't match, an unstylish haircut, and driving a ho-hum car -- and how much ridicule is that really inviting? Not much.

There's a book called "Golf for Dummies," the author is giving advice about how to deal with playing with golfers you've never played with before. He says, basically, the following: "Remember: The other guys in your foursome are not watching your every shot -- they don't care what score you're shooting, or if you hit one into the woods or scruff it 10 yards down the fairway. They only care about THEIR GAME, not yours! So don't worry about it."

That applies to pretty much everything, when you think about it!

T

Mattcake

EveningRose, I was plagued by a similar feeling - for a long time, I was paralysed by fear of criticism, though in a completely different situation and context. My solution was to establish firm boundaries and stick to them vehemently. These days, I couldn't care less about other peoples opinion of me - it's not about arrogance, it's about being my own person. It took some effort, and sometimes I slip a bit, but it has worked very well.

Realising that I was my own worst critic was also crucial.

Mattcake

There's no way to tell if a situation will be traumatic in the future; strangely, sometimes going through the "big stuff" such as violence, deaths, divorce etc may not necessarily be as consequential to a person as other more seemingly harmless events.

This reminds me of the Holmes Scale (Holmes and Rahe stress scale), which attempts to determine a person's propensity to illness by assigning a value to common stressors s/he might experience.

I disagree with this scale.

It might seem obvious that "death of a spouse" should rank as #1, but it's not always necessarily so. And sometimes the most trivial stuff is not trivial at all, and causes a big impact on our lives.

Anyway, if this particular memory is bugging you, don't dismiss it, give it credit. It was obviously important to you; there's a chance that it's only the tip of the iceberg, and that's there far more to it than what one might expect.

Ceres

When I was very young, my mother did something similar. I was quite a little artist. For as long as I can remember. Anyway, she called me a "Bulls*it artist". I must have been 6 or 7 at the time. Of course I took it the wrong way and was devastated!

Why she thought that would be an okie dokie thing to say? Who knows. But, she was drunk. So, I'm sure that had something to do with it!

Now my parents have passed on. I couldn't fathom what it would be like if she were still alive (she never did get sober).

"And does it do us any good to get at the why's? Or how do we put these things to rest, put it in perspective, and quit letting it bother us?"

For me, when I remember things like that. Mostly, it's a shake of the head and a "Ain't that a shame" thought. I would say it's in perspective for me. But part of that is finding the right language for it. Or, maybe because I'm a recovering A myself and know the stupid stuff that came from my very own lips. I really don't know! Seems much like a story these days.

BadCompany

Probably the day that you ditch the fantasy based world your family lives in and join reality.




Boys? Are they kidding? Boys are loud and rambunctious. When they are quiet they are just planning new ways to be even more loud and rambunctious. Anybody that expects anything different from them is a fool. Anytime they are quiet and respectful is just a gift for mommy and sometimes they deliver and sometimes they dont.

EveningRose

I guess that's the frustrating thing. I thought I had. My mother said one too many nasty (untrue) things about my character and what I deserve from others, and my dad and sister made one too many comments about my parenting, and that was it.

I move past this stuff much more quickly these days, but it was disappointing that I let it stress me out on my boys' big day.

LOL. True. And the more I hear people say this, the more it helps. Including my uncle, whom my family implied was so put out by my kids. I will say that MOST people find my children to be polite and well-behaved. And one of my parents' complaints/ proofs of my horrible parenting is that it's loud on holidays. I can very objectively see that as the fantasy world it is, expecting that 20 people (including lots of kids) will crowd into a 10x10 kitchen for cake and ice cream and it will be...quiet? But it still feels like living in the Matrix, when everyone around me (read:parents and siblings) is telling me that this crazy expectation is normal. It has helped immensely to separate from them and surround myself with other people. Sunday confirmed for me that it was what I need to continue doing.

EveningRose

I think you're right. She is not the alcoholic. I try to remember that she was living under a lot of stress with my dad. She was miserable, and probably still is. I wonder if there will be a day when I can do my daughterly duties, visit her in a nursing home, wipe up her chin, and let her ugly words roll off me. Maybe when my children are older and it's not affecting my ability to care for them and love them. It seems that maybe that incident was her having a bad day, but it's part of the pattern of finding character flaws in me to be the answer to every situation, which continues today.

EveningRose

Thank you, Tromboneliness. I always know that in my head and usually in my heart, but some days, that sort of thing rears its head again. One of my healing and/or revelatory moments was in watching my own children get older and realizing I would never do and say to them some of the things my parents did and said. It really opened my eyes to the fact that it was nor normal or good, despite them telling me we had a good and normal family.

cymbal

I also remember my mother tearing apart any achievement with mockery. I really know how that feels.

I don't share them with her any more. Its very sad that the one person whom you'd probably expect to rejoice with you in your accomplishments, chooses instead to use them to pummel you.
((((hugs))))

BadCompany

It's hard to dismiss their fantasy world because it is the one you grew up with, but I'd bet cold hard cash that this incident isn't the only place where they and reality part ways.

EveningRose

It's interesting that my mother has said for decades that my father has totally unrealistic expectations of children. And yet when the complaints are against my children, nobody seems to realize that he's still the same person with unrealistic expectations of children.

I went and married a man who has his own issues and has spent years lying, going on the offensive, and turning reality on its head for me, to cover up his own inappropriate activities. Some days, I'm amazed I am not sitting in a rubber room, wondering what's real and what isn't.

dothi

I hear ya!