Are you startled easily or not?
 

I have been wondering if one of my weirder character traits is common in ACOA-land or not.
I do not startle easily, if at all. I have had car wrecks and steam pipe bursts occur within yards (meters) of me and I have never jumped, panicked, or run, while everyone else hits the ground. This sounds like a strong trait - Me Not Afraid (or something like that). No - dumb is more like it. In a few cases (like the car wreck that was heading straight toward me as I sat watching), it was actually quite dangerous.
I think it is just a habit of ignoring (denying, shutting out, turning the brain off) the completely unpredictable and explosive supernova-size outbursts of my A father and mother, followed by mornings of tense calm.

I can understand your reaction to things like that. Not being startled during traumatic events was something I had developed as well. I often just take things in and process them and move on. Always thought I was a bit callous in that sense but I do believe it was my 'conditioning' to chaos.
There are times I do get jumpy but that is when things are calm. I am looking for the roof to cave in so to speak. I am getting better with enjoying the quiet times in my life but it has taken some practice.

I can so relate to both of your posts, thank you.

I too have an amazing ability to disassociate from danger when it relates to me - I do not react, I feel nothing, I have no fight or flight response, I am numb.

Compare that to danger / distress that affects my dh or my two children, both when they were babies and now as teenagers. I go into full heightened fight or flight mode - I am ready to fight tooth and nail to ensure that they are safe, secure and happy.

The role that follows my numbness is usually that of caretaker - deal with the problem, make it right, can I help, what can I do to sort things, smooth things over so that they return to "normal".

Says an awful lot about the alcoholic chaos and violence that I was conditioned to survive in as a child.

Yes, me too! It's eerie when it happens. Most people don't react like I do. I've even ask people ask me why am I so calm in the midst of a "situation".
I think if they only knew what I've seen they'd understand my apparent calm. It stems from the insanity of growing up and being enmeshed with A's.
I may appear calm but it doesn't last. The things I'd rather not deal with, like wishing away the event, seem to resurface until I'm forced to deal with it. I believe this is why I'm opposed to violence. Even in sports! I remember seeing my brother come home after a hs football game very late, he had snuck in the basement, and he had been jumped by some guys from the other team. He was hurt bad, yet insisted I don't tell or he'll be in worse shape from our A mom. Well, is it any wonder I practically bit the head off of a hs football coach who was trying to get my 13 year old to try out? Well my sons love sports, and not much I can do to enforce my insane thinking onto them anymore.

Thanks for this topic. You got me thinking here.

Iwanttoheal said:
Wow - I do not have children, so I have never noticed a protector habit. But in my summer job I have led walks with children, and then I get hyper-aware and do tend to be jumpy. I had not considered that.

For me if I showed any reaction (weakness), then it would become a button for my family to push over and over again. I remember consciously saying to myself if I don't react (respond) then they won't keep on doing it (hopefully).
I think its how I became conditioned to believe abuse was love in the end. Even the button pushing was attention.

I agree that when my children arrived, I would protect them (except from their dad). sigh. His behavior wasn't sane at times.

This is an interesting post! I always have the same reaction when I have to do something that scares me or when life throws a glitch at me. I think to myself, "Well, this is going to suck", and I do it. Funny, I never think to avoid the discomfort, instead I get calm, and know I am going to do it, it's gonna suck, and I am going to come out at the other end.

Little things, like riding to the top of a mountain to snowboard when I am incredibly scared of heights. I just get realllllly quiet and all my observational skills jump to the forefront so I dont get caught off guard by anything or so I am prepared to react if something does.

Anyhow, that's my experience, love the post!

Gabby

Very interesting question! Like everyone else, no I don't startle easily, and it's definitely a survival tactic from growing up in a house full of ACOAs! Don't react - Don't let them know that they're getting to you!

Actually I do startle easily. Cars backfiring, gunshots, any loud bang or immediate danger, I jump like anyone else. When I lived with my parents my father dealt drugs as well as used them and there would be people in and out of the house at all hours. So anytime I hear the creak of the floor, I wake up. Same with the click of a door, I'm up. Even in a dead sleep if I hear a voice I don't recognise it wakes me.

I also don't have that twilight sleep anymore. When I wake up now, I'm usually standing beside the bed before I finish blinking the sleep out of my eyes.

But I don't react to 'disasters' like most people do. When we used to live in Maryland we were hit by a hurricane a few times, and each time I would just calmly go look and see the damage, and either fix it or do a patch job until it could be fixed, I never freak out. Inever start crying, and I never played the victim well. In fact I'm usually the first one to say "I'm fine."

When people die I say "That sucks." and go back to what I was doing. When I was told I had a large tumor on my spinal cord which was paralyzing me. I started cracking jokes because my mom was with me and she was freaking out.

When something horrible happens I'm always the calmest person in the room. But if you just talking about a 'loud noises startle' then, yeah, I do that. In spades.