TheGirlInside

Hi - Just read Wascally Wabbit's post about jerks at work (paraphrasing - LOL).

I had my own experience these past couple of weeks. I am friends with someone at work, and keep it low-key, but someone who doesn't even know me outside of work, walked up to my friend and told him to "be careful...she (me) was pretty tough on the other two (my exes)." As though I'm some sort of seductive siren with a history of screwing over men.

i felt some distance and doubt from my friend, so I asked him about it. He hadn't wanted to tell me, as he knew it would upset me, but since I asked him straight out, he did.

I went to a supervisor (she actually approached me) and asked what to do about it. She said that she would sit the person down and discuss that they had brought up inappropriate topics at work and that it needs to stop, or face discipline. Basically will tell him, "Consider this your one and only warning."

I have been really upset about it, because, not only did I go through pure Hell with those exes (both abusive, both cheaters, both treated me like I was worthless, until I finally believed it and became suicidal, believing that the world including my precious daughters would be better off without me), but now many years later, someone has the audacity to tell someone that I was the one who put them through stuff? Are you F'ing kidding me?!?!?

What hurts me is that my friend now has a seed of doubt planted in his mind -he trusted me before, but started to distrust me, and felt scared after hearing that. He's had some bad experiences with women (starting with his mother), and I'm sure has had difficulty trusting women, just as I've had difficulty trusting men. Through absolutely no fault of my own, my relationship is damaged...Although my friend has enough brains to perceive me based on his experience with me rather than with rumors, the seed (weed) of doubt will be there, waiting to spring forth....

I'd like to go up to the A #1 A-hole who repeated the lie to my friend and say to him, "The next time you decide to 'protect' someone from the likes of me, you might want to check your facts...you got them a little backwards. I take that back - You got them ALOT backwards."

This reminds me of a time back in high school when someone tried to protect someone else who cared about me, from me, and it was all based on misperception and rumors.

Christ, we're not in 7th grade anymore! What is the matter with people?!? It's been so long, I went through so much, as has my friend, and now, for some demented ego-trip, some A-hole has to try to destroy a perfectly good friendship...to what end?

It sucks, because it has taken me a long time to stop hating men, and to trust anyone again. I told my friend that it is so nice to be trusted and not have my every motive questioned, as it was during my upbringing and with my ex's. NOW there is doubt...even if only latent...it's there. And it's not because of anything I did!!!

DAMIT!!! People really suck sometimes.

Why do people gotta be such jerks?

DesertEyes

Hi there Kari

good for you! No sense in getting into a confrontation with somebody who's obviously a jerk.

I guess now you get to find out just how good a friend he _really_ is. Either he believes the lies, or he takes action to talk to you and find out the truth.

that's a very good comparison. Lies are like weeds, they tend to grow and spread. But only if you "water" them. Your friend has to decided if he's going to believe rumors or believe you. It's his decision now.

Well _you_ have matured and are no longer in 7th grade. But not everybody matures. Some people never "grow up" emotionally

Some fish are sharks,
Some dogs are wolves,
Some jerks are people

I've got a couple in my own work. I avoid them as much as I can. They're just not worth me giving up my serenity.

Hope your friend comes around, Kari.

Mike

guiab

One unfortunate part of growing older is that we carry more baggage, all of our good, bad, and in-between experience. Some the baggage is success and some of it is disappointment. And it all give others so much to talk about. We ought to be kinder to one another, for the good stuff and bad, but some like to play the 'look how bad they are' game. These are jerks, they will be sniping at others for the rest of their lives and the last words out of their mouth before dying will be about someone they don't like.
One true benefit of recovery (I know this - don't necessarily act it yet) is the ability to have gratitude for the good in ourselves and others. I want to be around people who accept me for my faults and let me appreciate their strengths.

This is hard to find at work. One of my ongoing problems of growing up with alcoholism is a workaholic tendency and desire to find acceptance at work. This is such a dead-end. All places of employment have some degree of back-biting and politics, unless your self-employed (and then one deals with one's competition that will fill in the back-biting role).
I work at a school. You'd think the day is all about the kids, teaching and nurturing and fostering growth. No, it is not. I'd bet even the nuns of Calcutta have some jerks.

DesertEyes has it right.
If he can't get over one back-stabbing remark, then he is not a real friend or has not been in the working world very long. All relationships will be eventually be tested - friends, lovers, partners - by bad mouthing, and strong trusting accepting relationships survive

Wascally Wabbit

Girl,
I can tell you from 8 years experience of supervisor capacity that it really never ends.
As you read, I made the mistake of making friends at work. I promised myself I would NEVER do that again.
It seems that once someone has the littlest piece of dirt on you they want to let everyone know. It's because it makes them feel important. They've got something on the boss. The boss is just one of us.

My own manager NEVER shares one single thing about his personal life at work. Never has "conversations" with anyone about his life, his past, his wife or children.
After the last confrontation at work with that woman, I now see why he's so quiet.

After that issue I had, I really had to rethink "work". It's not a place I can make friends. I am a supervisor, not a "friend".
Shoot, one girl I have mentored through some pretty rough spots, because I genuinely care, stabbed me in the back.

For the last few days, I have kept to myself, and I think that work will now be work, not any kind of socializing for me. I will not insert myself into anyone's life or anything else.
I can make friends out side of work. It's sad for me since that's the place we spend so much of our life.

TheGirlInside

Everyone:

Thank you so much for responding with such positive and affirming comments!

An update: The jerk made some other comments about my phone extention (has three 6's in it), calling me 'evil' and number one evil...so, I went back to said supervisor, who made sure he stopped. I was also coached to let people know when they are saying something hurtful to me, as oftentimes they are not aware of it. I've been told that the jerk in question is weird anyway and had serious issues with women. I recall just before this all happened, a couple of times where I spoke with him, asking him questions about his hobby, just to be polite and friendly. I wonder if he took that as some sort of 'come on' and got all offended (??). Who knows? People are strange. But I think now he understands that I'm not going to sit idly by and put up with his sh**.

My friend and are back to 'normal.' He did understandably have a doubts for a short time, but I think that talking with me and realizing how I truly am has got him understanding that was just a lie. I've even heard him say something negative about the jerk who spread the rumor, so he's seeing that guy in a new light, too.

I guess that's good. I try not to get too personal with people at work, although there are a number of others who hang out after work and go to the bar, etc...I just don't like the idea of someone coming back to work telling stories of Kari's wild night somewhere (truth be damned)...I don't need that.

Oh well...keep going one day at a time. I'll let my actions speak for myself. If they want to believe some stale rumor rather than judge me based on their experiences with me, to he** with 'em (boy, I've been saying that a lot lately!)