Kitten1956

Hello Forum - I feel like I'm about to lose my mind. I'm currently in a wonderful, loving relationship BUT (I bet you knew a "but" was coming), I feel like I can't trust him. It's not him - it's me. He has given me no reason not to trust him. I'm an ACOA and I'm certain it's one of "those" issues. My mom was an alcoholic and my father was mentally sick. My mom cheated on my dad when I was 12 and that was very hard on me. I remember my mom telling me and how awful I felt. I remember everyone in the neighborhood knew, but my dad. I remember that even the PTA at the school knew. Both of my husbands cheated on me and it's devastating - almost to the point that sometimes I think I shouldn't even be in a relationship. I've just started going to ACOA meetings so I'm hoping that I can draw from that experience. I just don't want to sabotage my relationship. I start thinking that if he doesn't call me at a certain time when IIIII think he should, my mind starts wandering that he's out cheating on me. Maybe I feel this way because every time we're out, he looks at other women - not in a bad way, but I find myselt watching him to see who he's looking at. I try and remind myself I do the same thing, but in my head I think Yeah, I do the same thing but I have no intention of cheating on my BF. I'm just really struggling. Can someone - anyone lend me words of wisdom? I know I'm about control too because I will manipulate a conversation with him just to find out what he's doing, where he's been and what time he got home. I remember my son's girlfriend telling me that my son was out at a local restaurant with the rest of his friends and they were "checking out" girls. I said aren't you mad? She said no, why. He comes home to me. You can be on a diet and still look at the menu. If it was me and my BF was out doing that, OMG, I'd be at the restaurant in the parking lot waiting - or better yet bellying in the place wearing fatigues.

So, can someone give me some kind of guidance? I really need it before I drive myself crazy.

Thanks for the help and the support forum.

suki44883

Have you sought conseling for your trust issues? Unfortunately, this behavior has been a part of you for many, many years and it's quite possible some type of therapy may be necessary to change it. This is the type of thing that will follow you through many relationships and can, in and of itself, sabotage an otherwise good relationship. I urge you to get help for this problem. It can't be comfortable for either you or your partner.

Kitten1956

I don't want to be this way. When my mind starts thinking I get an absolute paralyzing fear inside - and then I start thinking even worse and when all is done and said - it's me. I called him one morning at 5 asking him who was he calling at 5 a.m. and I rattled off the name and he tells me "no one" I was "sleeping". I was so ashamed because after I confronted him, I realized it was I who was on the phone - and not him. But the paralyzing fear that he "might" be cheating on me was so overwhelming and my insides start to shake. It's awful and I love the man I'm with now. I don't want to ruin things with my "crooked" thinking.

Thank you for the post. I think I do need more than ACOA meetings too.

suki44883

I'm sure you don't want to be this way, but it sounds like something more than you can handle on your own. A professional might be able to help you get to the root of the problem and then help you overcome it. I know when I was younger, I had some problems in that area and because of it, I ruined a couple of otherwise good relationships. After a while, the other person gets tired of having to defend themselves all the time.

Livefree44

My issues with trust have always been rooted in abandonment issues. Whenever I have been in a situation where I have trouble with trust my instinctual reaction was to pull away and break off the relationship. I would strike first so to speak. This sabotaged any hope of truly trusting someone. Upon entering recovery (first getting sober in AA and now ACOA) and working the steps I discovered that before I experience a healthy relationship I needed to get healthy.
One of the most freeing discoveries I made in recovery is that I don't need someone else to fix me. I looked at relationships as something that would save me. Awful lot of expectation to place upon someone you would like to share your life with. In my experience trust came naturally in my first healthy relationship which wasn't until a couple of years into recovery. I still need to work the steps and let go of controlling behavior so that old habits don't return. For me it is all an ongoing process.
Trust stopped being such a big stumbling block for me when I learned to love myself and stop trying to control others.