Serenebynow

Hi. I'm an acoa, blessed by awareness . I went nc with my alcoholic mother 7 years ago. She is a member of aa who IMO is dry. She has been there forever.(28 dry years this time.) never had a sponsor, never made ammends, and I pity her. She thrives on her ability to see herself as perfect and all the rest of us are "the parade of as&!?&s that herGod keeps parading in front of her. I may come off bitter and angry now, because it never ends. I'm tired of it. She's been busy blacklisting me to relatives. My 84 year old aunt asked me how my meetings were going? I told her I love alanon, she asked, why alanon, not aa? I said auntie I don't drink, I love alcoholics, attract them, etc. She said my mother has told her I'm a drunk in the gutter! I laughed, said, she's wrong you know...and I'd prefer not to talk about her. I need to let it go. This is not her first attempt at baiting me to come back to her brand of insanity. I sent my mom some alanon speaker links, asked her in the email to give a listen to these, they were good ones! Asked her to please stop this backwards attack ploys and work on herself for once. I thank my hp that she didn't reply.
Twenty eight years ago, I sat in her treatment facility with her dr., I was the only family member who was sober and concerned. I had this fantasy that this treatment program could save our disfunctional family. Boy was I wrong. But I always had hope...hope for change.
I'm the sicko here. One of moms sponsees called me in a blackout, telling me all kinds of crap, about mom. I let it go, but I still have anger, sorrow, and some serenity today. I have learned so much about myself, and I don't like it when I slip into old fixit patterns. I beat myself up for sending those links, I opened the door a crack, and now she's spinning tales again.
Hey it's my family too! I just want her to stop attacking me and my kids, through other family members, WTF? No contact doesn't get easier for me, and I know I blew it ! I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it, can't converse with it, and never ever should I contact her. It has only served to bring back major resentments. I want to get past this crap! I know a day at a time, progress, not perfection. I know this! It doesn't change how much I want to toss the bb at her, and scream enough! Cease and desist, get real ma!
I will instead focus on my recovery.
Can anyone relate? I'm so tired of this mery go round. I need help. :wtf2

EveningRose

I can relate a little at least. Maybe more as the years go on? I went nc with my mother 16 months ago, and my dad 12-1/2 months ago. Not sure my mother even noticed. She is not actually an alcoholic, but she is toxic, and like your mother, tells people untrue stories about me. I believe she is mentally unstable, possibly due to putting up with my dad all these years.

My dad did swear off alcohol as his new year's resolution-- first I've ever heard any acknowledgement at all from him that maybe his drinking is a problem. I went nc with him when he started telling me how to be a better parent and how 'out of control' my children are, and how he can't stand being around them.

I have 7 boys who are considered to be good kids, including polite and respectful, by most people. Only my family has a problem with them. So here's a man who has been verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that by the age of 8 I started counting the months from my birth, wondering if my mother had cheated on him and that's why he hated me so much. He's chased me through snow banks, beat up my mother for defending me, publicly humiliated me, told me repeatedly he doesn't like me while I was growing up, choked me.... but he thinks he has something to tell me about being a better parent. Rich. I had forgiven everything from the past, without ever an apology, and he's been pleasant for a few years. But that was the last straw, to set up impossible hoops for me to jump through and think he had any right to tell me I wasn't up to par as a parent.

Recently, after politely declining many months of invitations to family events big and small, I finally called him and said, "Why in the world do you WANT us there if you think my kids are out of control and you can't stand being around them? Shouldn't you be happier to have peaceful holidays without us????"

In true crazy-making fashion, he denied ever saying any of it (while continuing to tell me I need to do better, and insisting that is not judging me as a parent). He said I imagined everything-- being chased through snowbanks, being choked, all the ugly words, all of it.

That was followed by my sibling posting a snide reference to the phone call on facebook. I de-friended, figuring I don't need to look at anyone's opinions of me. Sure enough, I got a phone call chewing me out about that, and explaining that she has a right to post what she wants (yep, and I have a right not to be subjected to it, thanks) and when she's aggressive, that's 'just how she is.' Meaning, apparently, I should just take it.

Sorry if I'm venting. I guess I CAN relate. Like you, I should have stayed NC. It's a craziness that runs through the whole family. I've pretty much cut ties, and my kids can't quite understand, because my family doesn't treat them the same way.

EveningRose

I'll add, now that I got the rant out of my system, I feel better, overall, with nc. Sad to say, I don't actually miss any of them. When my father informed me that he 'doesn't like the new me' (that would be the 'new me' who finally put my foot down and refused to accept someone's abusive temper aimed at me), it was like something snapped in me, and I realized I've valued family all these years because I was told I must, but ya know what, if they can 'not like' me, I'm certainly under no obligation to like them, either. I realized I don't actually like a couple of my siblings. Because, frankly, they just aren't very nice people. One is arrogant and self-righteous. The other is temperamental and high strung and has never made any effort to treat me as a real friend or invite me into her life.

My best friend keeps telling me I seem much happier since I walked away from it. I realized within a week that I felt more free to love my children and better able to be a good parent when I cut ties with my family. I also cut their voices out of my head, knowing I could raise my children as I believe is right, not in fear of my family screaming at them or slapping them.

I think a lot about love and forgiveness, and have finally concluded I can pray for them constantly, and wish them well, without subjecting myself to insane demands and allowing them to fly into rages at me and kick me around.

GingerM

Good for you EveningRose. It sounds like you're doing a good job reconciling the "what you should do" with the "what you want to do"s. It's heartening to hear you talk about being free to love and care for your children the way you believe is right.

BadCompany

Don't beat yourself up too bad. I let my sick family back after years of no contact. It bit me in the butt. Lesson learned. It's been three years since then.