jcfollower

Does anyone have experience with either knowing OR being an adult child who is also an alcoholic? My 35 yo ABF of 6 months (we've known each other a few years and he was an active alcoholic then) has been sober for a little over 5 weeks (incl.30 day treatment) and I am trying to figure out what behavior is attributable to early stage recovery and what behavior relates to being an ACOA.

GingerM

I am an ACoA and recovering alcoholic. What behaviors are you trying to sort out? Many of them overlap, and some ACoA issues are what start a person down the alcohol path. For the most common aspects of ACoA, you may want to refer to the "sticky" at the top of this forum called "13 common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics" It may help you sort things out.

jcfollower

Well, he doesn't have a cellphone currently, and since coming home from rehab, his mom (who paid for it) is insisting that he live with her (she's CODA, no Alanon, the larger than life AH died a couple years ago). Before he went to rehab, he told me that he was on the same page as me--the same feelings are there (I've told him I love him) but that he needed me to keep the "girl stuff wrapped up" because for a while it was going to be recovery and his work that he focused on. While he was in rehab, they let him have phone privileges, so he'd call to check in with me a few times a day for work-related messages. Of course during the whole time he was gone, there were only 4 or 5 messages total because it was right around the Holidays! Lol. I'd ask him how he was and he'd share a little bit about what was going on--he mentioned once that he needed to meet my daughter (I've kept her from him the whole time we've known each other because I am very protective of her) and another time he said he'd probably have to attend AA for the rest of his life, and asked if that bother me. Of course I told him no, and that in fact I thought it was a good thing to have in his life. So for the 5 days he's been home now, he has called me a couple times, and correspond a little through e-mail. When I try to ask him ?'s about how he's doing, he says he's going to AA meetings all the time. He has been a little sarcastic in some of the things he's said, like when I asked him if he'd mind if I went to an open AA meeting, his reply was that I should go ahead and be an alcoholic first, because he'd hate for me to miss out on the spoils. He has expressed total frustration over the living situation with his mom, but he ignores my request to share what is going on at the house. I asked him about his aftercare plan and again, no reply. I mentioned that I could talk to his mom and see if she'd go to Alanon with me, and no reply. He hasn't expressed any interest in seeing me, and I haven't brought it up because I figured he's busy trying to stay sober and that he needs to be the one to ask to see me, if and when he wants to.

Insulated

I was involved with an ACOA and he too was an addict and alcoholic. When he went to dual diagnosis rehab (only did 14 of the 28 days) I will say that he brought home the pictures he'd taken, except the one of me! And replaced that with love letters acquired from an inpatient. The relationship was totally out of alignment when he did return home. He only did 1/2 the post hospitalization as well and never attended a meeting. I realized that putting pressure on him as far as relationship issues were concerned; was really the farthest thing from his mind. Within 4 months, he was back in active addiction but I'd gone right on and secured a new job and worked on myself. Don't set your expectations too high as far as a relationship goes. Your A is focused on sobriety. That's a great thing. Encourage that and celebrate it.

GingerM

When I sobered up, I had to leave most of my old "friends" behind. Even the ones who weren't part of the problem - because they associated with people who were part of the problem.

I can't tell you what's going on in his mind, though. Each of us is different, and we each recover in different ways. Often, recovery involves a complete "out with the old, in with the new" cycle, which is probably not what you want to hear.

He may be at a point where he feels his AA meetings are for HIM, and as an ACoA, he may finally be feeling that he can actually do things just for HIM - which is often a completely different position in life than many ACoAs are accustomed to. So he would see your asking to attend an open AA meeting with him not as being supportive, but as stepping into HIS turf and trying to take something away from him that he may feel is very precious to him (I don't know this, I'm just saying it could be).

Certainly the process of getting sober involves a complete reorganization of one's life, habits and social connections. How that pans out is difficult to say. I kept one friend (who also decided to leave the same scene behind at the same time I did) and had to throw the rest overboard and start over.

He's probably also feeling a bit touchy about the issue, so the more you ask, the more touchy he'll feel. He may be feeling ashamed or embarassed. Imagine you did something really really dumb and a friend of yours kept asking you "so, are you over that really stupid thing you did?" every time you spoke to each other. Something along those lines, only much bigger.

Again, all of this is just conjecture (except the parts about my own sobriety). The only one who really knows what's going on in his head is him, and honestly? He may not even know. He'll know what he's feeling, but not necessarily why.

I might try backing off for a while (a couple of months) and letting him initiate contact with you when he's feeling strong enough to do so.

jcfollower

Thank you for the insights.

When I mentioned attending an AA meeting, I certainly didn't mean with _him_ to one of_ his_ meetings--I quite agree that is _his_ turf. So I can see how if others assumed that I meant _with_ him, then perhaps he did as well, and that upset him. I also have not put any pressure on him, nor set any expectations with him of what things would look like when he came home from rehab.

He told me before he left that he couldn't handle relationship "girl talk," and that it was going to be all about work for a while, and he needed me to understand that. I took him very seriously and have kept my word, not once asking about "us."

I have also been taking everyone's advice to give him his space. We have been keeping up a minimal lwvel of daily correspondence by e-mail, mostly initiated by me, and a couple of times with him calling me to talk. I have kept the communication light and supportive, and sometimes not at all related to recovery.

I consider myself to be pretty far removed from his past life--in fact the time I spent with him over the last few months (not a whole lot when added up together) was basically a lot of me listening to him talk through the pain, anxiety, and fear that he was facing after years of hardcore drinking, and encouraging him towards getting help. It was definitely a period of time which I would characterize as "gearing up" for an intervention, which I instigated.

Over the weekend I made the difficult decision to quit contacting him in any way, shape, or form, leaving him alone to do his thing, and focusing on _me_, which I am none too good at. Surprise! Lol. I know he knows I care deeply for him, and When/if he wants to, he knows how to get ahold of me. Sooo uncomfortable, but sooo necessary.