One alcoholic parent
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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One alcoholic parent
When I was small, my dad used to drink. Don't consider him an alcoholic, but it happened that he came home drunk sometimes. And he wasn't mean or anything. It wasn't a problem when mom was home, she just sent him to bed. But I remember that feeling of helplessness when mom was at her choir practice and me and my sister were home alone when dad came home drunk. We kinda felt responsible for him, tried to make sure that he wouldn't fall asleep in the bathroom and get him to bed. Not a job for little kids but I can't say that I was ever traumatized or anything about it, it was just something that happened sometimes.
Now I have a 2 year old daughter and alcoholic and pot smoking husband with anger issues and I would never want my daughter to feel even that little helplessness feeling which is really nothing compared what could be waiting. AH works hard though but after he comes home from work he pretty much just sits in his chair, drinks his beer and either plays his game or watches tv. When he comes home he plays little bit with our daughter but that's pretty much it. This 10 minute playtime is the whole involvement he has in his daughters life - he never has fed her, put her to sleep, bathed her, changed a diaper - nothing. I also don't trust him alone with her, just once I have spent a night away and even then he had to drink his six pack while watching her, although I specifically asked him not to. It's been quite calm here lately, but pretty much only because that I don't want to have an argument in front of the baby and I'm letting everything go. I am on the verge of leaving him though, I want my daughter to grow up with happy people around her, people who pay attention to her, people not majoring in minors, people who don't have a beer can replacing their right hand.
In couple of weeks my husbands parents will come to visit for few days. He's dad is a big authority for him and he is going to ask some very tough questions. I haven't talked to his parents for a while but every week when he does, they hear that everything is fine and great here and nobody's drinking any more.
So the point of this whole story is to ask how has your parents drinking, doesn't even have to be heavy drinking, influenced your life negatively. I'm having a hard time discussing this subject with my husband because he doesn't consider a six pack every night or 12 pack on a day off a problematic drinking and doesn't understand why am I freaking out about the quality of our daughters life. He used to say that he would stop when she would get older and starts to understand, but this time is pretty much here and nothing has ever changed and I don't think it ever will. Just today he said that he wants to quit smoking cigarettes but will keep his beer and pot.
I know that I have already all the reasons to leave him and raise my daughter alone (with my superfantastic family) but somehow I still feel that I need to justify myself more to him and his family. Especially because if I left, most likely in couple of years I would move back to overseas and he would have very rare occasions to see his daughter.
Now I have a 2 year old daughter and alcoholic and pot smoking husband with anger issues and I would never want my daughter to feel even that little helplessness feeling which is really nothing compared what could be waiting. AH works hard though but after he comes home from work he pretty much just sits in his chair, drinks his beer and either plays his game or watches tv. When he comes home he plays little bit with our daughter but that's pretty much it. This 10 minute playtime is the whole involvement he has in his daughters life - he never has fed her, put her to sleep, bathed her, changed a diaper - nothing. I also don't trust him alone with her, just once I have spent a night away and even then he had to drink his six pack while watching her, although I specifically asked him not to. It's been quite calm here lately, but pretty much only because that I don't want to have an argument in front of the baby and I'm letting everything go. I am on the verge of leaving him though, I want my daughter to grow up with happy people around her, people who pay attention to her, people not majoring in minors, people who don't have a beer can replacing their right hand.
In couple of weeks my husbands parents will come to visit for few days. He's dad is a big authority for him and he is going to ask some very tough questions. I haven't talked to his parents for a while but every week when he does, they hear that everything is fine and great here and nobody's drinking any more.
So the point of this whole story is to ask how has your parents drinking, doesn't even have to be heavy drinking, influenced your life negatively. I'm having a hard time discussing this subject with my husband because he doesn't consider a six pack every night or 12 pack on a day off a problematic drinking and doesn't understand why am I freaking out about the quality of our daughters life. He used to say that he would stop when she would get older and starts to understand, but this time is pretty much here and nothing has ever changed and I don't think it ever will. Just today he said that he wants to quit smoking cigarettes but will keep his beer and pot.
I know that I have already all the reasons to leave him and raise my daughter alone (with my superfantastic family) but somehow I still feel that I need to justify myself more to him and his family. Especially because if I left, most likely in couple of years I would move back to overseas and he would have very rare occasions to see his daughter.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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I was deeply damaged by not only my father's drinking, but also his neglect and his lack of involvement in my life.
My father worked hard, then came home and had zero contact with me for the rest of the evening, and got angry when I asked for it.
I suffered for many years, leapt into relationships with unavailable men (because they were like my father, and I kept trying to please them) and got involved with other alcoholics because it felt normal to be around someone who self-medicated with alcohol and drugs. This is not self-pity.....it is just a fact that many of us seek what we are most accustomed to, and I was accustomed to being in a family where the main source of happiness came out of a bottle, and where I could never earn the love of my parents, no matter what I did (because I did not come out of a bottle).
For four decades I lived like this, until finally realizing the pattern and seeking help. If you read the stories of parents of alcoholic/codependent children in the Friends & Family forums, well, those children are what people like your daughter often grow up to be.
I applaud you for preparing yourself to bring your daughter to a loving, supportive, nurturing, non-chemically-based situation. I only wish my mother had had the courage to do the same.
My father worked hard, then came home and had zero contact with me for the rest of the evening, and got angry when I asked for it.
I suffered for many years, leapt into relationships with unavailable men (because they were like my father, and I kept trying to please them) and got involved with other alcoholics because it felt normal to be around someone who self-medicated with alcohol and drugs. This is not self-pity.....it is just a fact that many of us seek what we are most accustomed to, and I was accustomed to being in a family where the main source of happiness came out of a bottle, and where I could never earn the love of my parents, no matter what I did (because I did not come out of a bottle).
For four decades I lived like this, until finally realizing the pattern and seeking help. If you read the stories of parents of alcoholic/codependent children in the Friends & Family forums, well, those children are what people like your daughter often grow up to be.
I applaud you for preparing yourself to bring your daughter to a loving, supportive, nurturing, non-chemically-based situation. I only wish my mother had had the courage to do the same.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
My dad didn't even drink although he was a gambling addict and I believe that he was an ACOA. He was not physically abusive but he was very controlling and manipulative. I hated him by the time I was 13 and yet I married somebody exactly like him (not that I knew it at the time). I realise now that how could I have picked somebody emotionally healthy? I didn't know what that was and I certainly wasn't healthy myself. I married an alcoholic, had two children and was shocked to realise I was giving my children a worse upbringing than what I had been dealt. Al Anon helped me realise this even though I had many counsellors who tried to tell me.
I too think you are doing the right thing. Regarding justifying yourself to him and his family: you don't need to. If he is anything like my husband when he was in his active addiction, he will say anything no matter how irrational, to keep both you and the drink. Don't waste your time. It is like arguing with a brick wall. From my experience don't expect support from his parents either. Even if they don't want him drinking, they will rarely side against their son.
I too think you are doing the right thing. Regarding justifying yourself to him and his family: you don't need to. If he is anything like my husband when he was in his active addiction, he will say anything no matter how irrational, to keep both you and the drink. Don't waste your time. It is like arguing with a brick wall. From my experience don't expect support from his parents either. Even if they don't want him drinking, they will rarely side against their son.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 12
My father was a lot like your husband. He drank, smoked pot and had a lot of anger issues. He and my mother got divorced when I was about five and the divorce really sent him on a downward spiral. At the time I never knew he had a drinking problem, I was way too young. All I knew is he could be a scary SOB, had a volatile and unpredictable temper and was just all around very ugly and nasty to be around. It wasn't until much later that I learned he had been an active alcoholic during those years and in retrospect I do remember seeing him drink from time to time.
If you had asked me when I was 18 if alcoholism had impacted my life in any way I would have said no and thought you were crazy. I knew I couldn't stand my father, but it took me a long time to put the pieces together and figure out that a lot of his insane behavior was 1) Abnormal and 2) probably caused by alcohol or drugs. It's funny how things that seem obvious to adults just aren't obvious to a child. I was in my early 20s before I really even came to realise how weird and screwed up my upbringing had been.
My father quit drinking and smoking pot when I was an adolescent.. probably about 10 years old. Again, at the time I didn't even realize anything was going on because no one has ever stopped me to say "hey, did you know your dad is an alcoholic?" I only learned years later that he had been in AA at this time and this was about when he quit. Looking back I do remember some crazy things going on with him around that time -- Lots of rage, even more so than normal. I think he became even more of a terror after he quit drinking than he was when he was active. He became what they call a 'dry drunk," someone who's quit drinking but never adressed the underlying issues that led to drinking and drug use in the first place.
I didn't live with my father-- I only saw him one or two weekends a month, but I grew up with a huge amount of anger and resentment as a child I think largely because of hi behavior. His bullying, his rage, his nastiness, the screaming, cussing and fighting, the fear, all of that stuff. I was a very screwed up kid because of all that.
Being around someone who is mentally ill, especially a very angry person can be hugely traumatic for a kid. Don't think that your kid will benefit from spending time with the father just because he is her dad. If he is an angry, psycho messed up person DEMAND that he get his act together before you let him play a role in the child's life. And be warned that even if he does quit drinking, if he is someone who has anger issues or any kind of underlying psychological issues, he needs to get help for those too. Just quitting beer and pot isn't going to turn him into Mister Rogers. Chances are it will just turn him into an even nastier more frustrated a****** because he no longer has the alcohol or drug to help deel with his anger.
If you had asked me when I was 18 if alcoholism had impacted my life in any way I would have said no and thought you were crazy. I knew I couldn't stand my father, but it took me a long time to put the pieces together and figure out that a lot of his insane behavior was 1) Abnormal and 2) probably caused by alcohol or drugs. It's funny how things that seem obvious to adults just aren't obvious to a child. I was in my early 20s before I really even came to realise how weird and screwed up my upbringing had been.
My father quit drinking and smoking pot when I was an adolescent.. probably about 10 years old. Again, at the time I didn't even realize anything was going on because no one has ever stopped me to say "hey, did you know your dad is an alcoholic?" I only learned years later that he had been in AA at this time and this was about when he quit. Looking back I do remember some crazy things going on with him around that time -- Lots of rage, even more so than normal. I think he became even more of a terror after he quit drinking than he was when he was active. He became what they call a 'dry drunk," someone who's quit drinking but never adressed the underlying issues that led to drinking and drug use in the first place.
I didn't live with my father-- I only saw him one or two weekends a month, but I grew up with a huge amount of anger and resentment as a child I think largely because of hi behavior. His bullying, his rage, his nastiness, the screaming, cussing and fighting, the fear, all of that stuff. I was a very screwed up kid because of all that.
Being around someone who is mentally ill, especially a very angry person can be hugely traumatic for a kid. Don't think that your kid will benefit from spending time with the father just because he is her dad. If he is an angry, psycho messed up person DEMAND that he get his act together before you let him play a role in the child's life. And be warned that even if he does quit drinking, if he is someone who has anger issues or any kind of underlying psychological issues, he needs to get help for those too. Just quitting beer and pot isn't going to turn him into Mister Rogers. Chances are it will just turn him into an even nastier more frustrated a****** because he no longer has the alcohol or drug to help deel with his anger.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
My dad would not consider himself an alcoholic. Despite being diagnosed a 'dry drunk' years ago, despite seeing him drink 3 drinks every night and fall asleep in front of the television, even I didn't really think of him that way until recently. I thought the drinking was about back pain. I never saw him stumbling down drunk.
But the counselor my mother saw at the time said alcoholism has to do also with behaviors such as needing to be in control.
My father sounds like what the other describe. By the time I was 8, I was counting back the months from when I was born, trying to figure out if I was illegitimate, and that's why he hated me so much. He could be a good father, but he was largely either at work, or watching t.v., or yelling about something.
He spent my adolescent years criticizing me, and finding fault. At 18, when I did everything in my power to finally do a job well enough for him, and instead got criticized for taking too long, it finally dawned on me that there were no objective standards with him, and he would find fault no matter what.
By high school, I was afraid of my own shadow, afraid of every opening my mouth with other people, because every time I did anything at home, I was told it was wrong and I'd screwed up again.
He always had to have someone to blame for his behavior, and I believe now that not only did he blame me, but he taught the other members of the family to do likewise, by seeing me and portraying me as someone so annoying, so difficult, so awful, that you couldn't help but lose your temper and snap at me. How it's affected me is I have been way too willing to look at myself, to jump through hoops, to try to fix supposed problems in myself that I now know were never there.
I have been dealing with a lying, cheating husband for most of 20 years. I believe now that my father's behavior (and my mother's) set me up for this. They taught me that if other people mistreated me, it must be my fault. So I kept trying harder and harder to please my husband (not actually knowing what was going on.) My parents taught me that I was the screw up and other people were right. So when my husband told asinine lies, I bent over backwards trying to fit his story with my own perceptions which were saying it couldn't be so. My parents taught me that no matter what other people did, it was always me-- never the other person-- burning the bridges and driving them away. So I have put up with behavior I shouldn't, fearing being guilty of burning bridges by objecting.
But the counselor my mother saw at the time said alcoholism has to do also with behaviors such as needing to be in control.
My father sounds like what the other describe. By the time I was 8, I was counting back the months from when I was born, trying to figure out if I was illegitimate, and that's why he hated me so much. He could be a good father, but he was largely either at work, or watching t.v., or yelling about something.
He spent my adolescent years criticizing me, and finding fault. At 18, when I did everything in my power to finally do a job well enough for him, and instead got criticized for taking too long, it finally dawned on me that there were no objective standards with him, and he would find fault no matter what.
By high school, I was afraid of my own shadow, afraid of every opening my mouth with other people, because every time I did anything at home, I was told it was wrong and I'd screwed up again.
He always had to have someone to blame for his behavior, and I believe now that not only did he blame me, but he taught the other members of the family to do likewise, by seeing me and portraying me as someone so annoying, so difficult, so awful, that you couldn't help but lose your temper and snap at me. How it's affected me is I have been way too willing to look at myself, to jump through hoops, to try to fix supposed problems in myself that I now know were never there.
I have been dealing with a lying, cheating husband for most of 20 years. I believe now that my father's behavior (and my mother's) set me up for this. They taught me that if other people mistreated me, it must be my fault. So I kept trying harder and harder to please my husband (not actually knowing what was going on.) My parents taught me that I was the screw up and other people were right. So when my husband told asinine lies, I bent over backwards trying to fit his story with my own perceptions which were saying it couldn't be so. My parents taught me that no matter what other people did, it was always me-- never the other person-- burning the bridges and driving them away. So I have put up with behavior I shouldn't, fearing being guilty of burning bridges by objecting.
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