DolphinBlue

Hi everyone,

not sure if this belongs here or in Al-Anon, but here goes.

I'm a little confused about what exactly "enabling" is. I live with my mother and she is an alcoholic who is drinking and I am in recovery. We seem to get along better than ever and I can finally accept her for who she is with or without the alcohol.

She somehow manages to work and function pretty well even though she drinks and I find that the good outweighs the bad, at least so far. But how do I know if I'm enabling her?

Thanks,
Amy

Morning Glory

Letting her live her life as she chooses is not enabling. Enabling would be paying her bills if she spent her bill money on alcohol.
It would be making an excuse to her boss at work if she had a hangover and was too sick to make it to work. Enabling is doing something for her that she could or should be doing for herself, but the alcohol is stopping her from doing it. I know a lot of people who are functional, responsible alcoholics. Their drinking does not interfere with their responsibilities. That is their choice. When they start pulling you into the game then that changes everything.

Hugs,
MG

DolphinBlue

Thanks MG, that clears it up for me a lot. I still find it quite tricky though. She's always been very independant and taken care of her own stuff, in the financial and practical sense. Its the other stuff I get a little fuzzy with.

Do you think its just a case of setting good boundaries and not letting her drag me into her anger/denial patterns? Its the subtle things I have a bit of trouble with at times.

Thanks,
Amy

Morning Glory

It is tricky with our mothers. We want them to accept us and we want to be our own person at the same time. That's the way it should be. Sometimes they aren't cooperative.

As adults we have the right to make our own choices and live life the way we choose. When someone tries to deny us those rights we need to set boundaries. It's not usually a smooth transition. When one person changes in a relationship, both have to adjust.

Hugs,
MG

Morning Glory

One more thing. My mother is 82. We got it all figured out last year, lol.

DolphinBlue

Ah I see, thank you MG you put that so well.

It IS a mother/daughter thing isn't it?

And your last message reminded me, both my counsellor and sponsor say that they are still easily reduced to childlike thinking by their mothers if they so wish. They are both in their 50's lol so I guess its common (and powerful!)

I sometimes forget that she's trying to adjust too.

Thank you.

Amy

Paulie

The dynamics of a mother and daughter relationship are very difficult sometimes. And for me I have a hard time with exactly what you said MG, her adjusting to my changing. My mom enabled me for years and when she tries now, I get annoyed, then I feel bad, then annoyed, it is a difficult thing.

Amy what you said is so right, we have to accept them how they are. My mom does not drink but she is codependent and does not think she is, she is just helping, ya know. But that is who she is, I can't change her, only me.

DolphinBlue

Thanks Paulie,

well, to be honest, the last thing I want to do sometimes is accept her for who she is. She just knows how to press my buttons I guess.

Its a lot better though. She just had a birthday last month and told me a lot of stuff about her own childhood that I didn't ever know. Lets just say it was an eye-opener and I enjoy seeing her as a person who did the best she could and not just my mother now. Not all the time, but it helps.

I find that its like looking at one of those optical illusions where you can only see one image at a time, even though there are two. When I'm seeing the person, I don't tend to see the behaviors.

But deep down I've got a feeling that I've missed something. How can I accept her just by changing my attitude? There doens't seem to be any healing involved, its like I've skipped something. I guess I'll just have to trust that it'll come up when it needs to.

Amy

Paulie

Acceptance itself is healing sometimes.