soulsurvivor

I have been on this journey for about 4 years now. I am now reading "A Time to Heal" by Timmen Cermak.. ITS AMAZING!! i checked it out from the library and was so blown away that i had to buy the book so i could highlight things and take notes.

While my own journey has been very tough.. what makes it tougher is that I'm the only one in my family taking this journey.. they are all still in denial... it hurts that i cannot have any contact with them,,,,,my choice.....because i am done living in that crazy world of silence....and denial..

this book talked about being antidependant... THATS ME!! the only one tried to speak up... asked WHY are we ignoring the Pink elephant in the room,, only to be told... WHat elephant??...turning to my mother and brother for protection, support, and comfort...only to be turned away or ignored...

I am the ultimate self supporting, Independant,,,all achiever,,,LONER.
I grad HS early,, moved 2000 miles away,, first to go to college, first NOT to be pregnant by 18,,, first to stand up to them and say.. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE..? ?

I am the bad one, the black sheep, the trouble maker, the obnoxious one, the drama queen.... all in an attempt to just be heard/acknowledged....

I learned not to trust adults to help me, protect me, believe me, or support me. Ive done everything on my own..... but now I dont know how to be in a relationship or trust anyone enough to support me..... I dont trust it will last...

Can anyone relate?? or has anyone else read this book?

Iwanttoheal

Hi SoulSurvivor

Just wanted to let you know, I haven't read the book but I can relate to everything you have written - so much so, I could have written it word-for-word.

IWTHxxx

GingerM

I can relate. I, too, asked the questions that couldn't be answered.

As for when I realized I was an ACoA, it was when a friend pointed me to this site and I started reading. I'd never even heard of it before, despite many years of therapy.

Much love for SR.

guiab

Hi soulsurvivor,

I have not read that book and have read parts of books on ACOA's ('It wil never happen to me' by Claudia Black and the many books written by Janet Woititz). Most of the very useful information I have found here and on various blogs, and from ACOA's that I have met in Al-anon.

In my family there was less denial but more of a defeatist attitude and a conviction that our problems are not so bad really. I was well trained, so to speak, to turn respond to any perceived problem (you know, those little inconveniences one ought to just ignore like another long drunken night of loud corrosive verbal abuse) with intense self-judgment, guilt, and shame.

It doesn't matter whether the problem is steel-reinforced concrete denial, as in your family, or defeatism and self-blame, as in mine. We can't change others, we can change ourselves. You are angry, but the anger will impact you more than your family. it will more likely strengthen their denial and just tire you out. You are clearly on a good path. The best you can do for your family is to stay on that path of healing. They may choose to follow your example or not - its up to them.

I have been learning about ACOA issues since the 90's when a lot of the literature came out, but managed to be getting along well enough (while denying lots of ongoing relationship issues) with a job and school that I did not act on it. I have known there was a problem with alcohol since I learned to associate that distinctive 'clink' of liquor bottles being moved with another bad night ahead.
The relationship issues are what you and I can work on. That is where change is possible and where it is best.
Peace.

soulsurvivor

thank you all for your replies.
I have recently become involved in church where i am able to relate and get support from several ppl there.
ive been looking for a therapist who specializes or at least knows about ACOA's.. i cant find any in my area that have it listed under there specialities.. a few others ive asked they say.. oh all therapist know about that, pick anyone..
I doubt it... I really think I would benefit working through these ACOA issues with a knowledgeable therapist that can guide me through this stuff and not just say.. OH your just depressed... because thats not it..

Carol Star

I relate to everything everybody said. I repeated all the first family stuff because I was used to the drama. It looked normal to me for awhile. Now I see my rage I developed as a kid and the fear. I am 60 going on 6. I t is ok. The Bradshaw books are good too. I had trouble with authority. I am fiercely independent. It is hard to trust. I love SR. It helps me see I am not alone.

GingerM

There are very few who specialize in it. There are many who specialize in toxic families. My current therapist works primarily with abused women and families. She does a lot of work with women's shelters. It doesn't matter that she works with women's shelters -what matters is that she has a good idea of how toxic families work, how they pass down these behaviors from one generation to the next and what has to happen inside a person to break the cycle.

I disagree with the person who said that "they all know about ACoAs." A previous therapist I had said he didn't see any benefit in using any kind of "Adult Child" label, that it wasn't helpful to treat the issues that way. I wasn't with him for long.

Prior to that guy, I had a therapist who specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He was really good. I brought him the list of 13 characteristics of ACoAs (stickied at the top of this forum), circled the two that *didn't* apply to me, and told him "pick one, let's get started." That particular therapist helped me through the parts of my recovery that I struggled with the most. I'd suggest you look for CBT (or cognitive behavioral therapy) as the specialization. The tools they give you can be used for a variety of issues, from addiction to toxic families to General Anxiety Disorder to Chronic Pain.

My current therapist takes a different slant on things with me, although that may be because she's seen me off an on since around 1994, so she has seen my recovery. Now she works more with the "how does my family do this?" aspect of things so I can better understand where my feelings are coming from. When I first went to see her (and hadn't even started recovering, actually, was in an abusive relationship headed down the same road that I didn't want to go down), she just asked me blunt questions like "When he threatens you with 'You have to do this'.... Or what? What is he going to do?" She said that to me in '95. I still use that tool ("Or what?") with my family. Someone in my family will say "you have to do this" and I will ask myself (not them) "or what?" The answer is usually "nothing, I'm fully self-sufficient, live in my own house, drive my own car. They are the one with something to lose - me." That makes me feel back in control of my own life again.

Don't give up on finding a therapist - you may even go through several of them before you find one that fits. I think I've had as many therapists who didn't work well for me as ones who did. If you find one who you work well with, hope they don't get offered their dream job and move away