dolce7dolore

Trying to breathe... trying to take a step back, think before I overreact...

I've been doing well for about four months or so. I mean, I'd have some bad days, some stress, etc., but I was healthy, I was happy. I was starting to form some, not too many, but some closer relationship with my friends... actually told one of them the other night that my parents are alcoholics (I've only ever told two people). It went well. I've even started to have better contact and boundaries with my parents. I wasn't yelling at my mom over Thanksgiving, but just accepting, which is such a change.

Things were going well. So, I thought about dating again. I am very young (please don't use the "I'm too young" thing... I've heard that, and I think it's bull. Plenty of my friends, my brother, have relationships), but I haven't had great experiences, and I've never been in what I would consider a relationship. Anyway, I was willing to see what is out there. I started dating this guy about 6 weeks ago. He was very polite, very sweet, open, gave me appropriate alone time, didn't come on too strongly, had the same interests, introduced me to friends, etc. We had great chemistry, attraction, and he even said "I'll let you dictate the speed," when we were kissing. He's now growing distant very clearly, and I've deleted his number. This-same-situation-happened-two-years-ago! With the first situation, I tried to cling on desperately, smothered him. I promised myself I would never do that again, and with this new situation, I didn't. But it still left me with the same results.

I can't help but think that it's me, that there's something I'm doing wrong. I just wish I could keep things casual, but... I think I just desperately seek human intimacy. I just can't seem to find that. I mean, after so little time, in both situations, I can't truly be that emotionally attached to these people. Yet... I just feel so abandoned and lonely now. It's so hard, and this week I've been so angry... but I'm starting to take a step back, trying to look at this better, to not hate everyone.

I've thought about just going out and having purely physical relationships, since I can easily get those. People in my life--family and friends--constantly wonder why "such a pretty girl can't get a boyfriend." I hate it... and I really wish I could settle for something casual because every time I try for more, I just end up shattered. I'm starting to think that these problems are in fact coming from me, from my past experiences, rather than over the situations themselves.

endzoner

Not saying your to young to date as I dont know your age ,a nd its really not important . but just something to ponder , you said that youve had a cpl of realtionships that turned out alike . JMO .. but did you think of this as a sign , that maybe what your being told bout being to young to date has reasons behide it , after all so far nuttin good has come of it . Maybe wait awhile .. jmo
Endzy

dothi

I hear what you're saying - the pressure to have a boyfriend. I had some old friends and family back home who thought that having a boyfriend was paramount. I remember working a summer job in between school, stressed out making minimum wage and feeling the load of student debt. I bumped into an old friend and her mother, and all they wanted to know was whether or not I had a boyfriend. They weren't the least bit interested in home my actual life was going. It didn't even seem to matter how much pain the last attempted relationship had actually caused me - just whether or not I had accomplished this one thing: getting the boyfriend.

So that's what's important to them.

The thing is, that's not what has to be important to me.

Dating has been a hard road for me too, dolce. I can definitely say that for a while after becoming an adult separate from my parents, I carried too much baggage to be healthy in a relationship. I beat myself up for being a failure for not being attractive enough to "get" a decent fellow. When I was interested in someone, I came on so intense that it often pushed them away. It seemed hopeless and for a while, I just stopped trying.

And while I wasn't trying anymore, my world slowly opened up. Because I wasn't putting so much energy into finding a boyfriend, I had the energy for other relationships. I formed many strong relationships with friends - male and female - and it was liberating. I met other girls who didn't have boyfriends but didn't let it bother them - girls who would hang out and have a good time anyway, whether they met a guy or not. From them I learned to enjoy myself. I also met guys with whom there was no interest, but still fun to hang out with. From them I learned that healthy men like healthy women - not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Guys are people just like us with their own fears and insecurities to worry about, so they can't just shoulder the baggage we bring along.

And you know what? Getting the boyfriend got a lot easier because I was taking care of myself, instead of waiting for them to come along and take care of me. Just because I didn't have a boyfriend for a few years doesn't mean it didn't still happen.

Ultimately my advice: take the pressure off yourself for not having a boyfriend.

Especially because it's causing you so much duress. You're hurting yourself when you have a boyfriend and feel guilty for smothering, and you're hurting yourself when you don't have a boyfriend and get reminded of it. If having a boyfriend didn't matter - not forever, but just for now - then smothering behavior and nagging reminders wouldn't have to matter anymore. And maybe JUST MAYBE you could have the energy to enjoy the one life you have.

People's reminders are the worst though, when you're trying to relax and they're trying to tell you what you should be worried about ((boyfriend... boyfriend... boyfriend...). It's like they're trying to convince you that having a boyfriend is the only thing that should be on your mind, whether or not that's even true.

Don't feel bad about drawing boundaries with some of these people who reinforce these negative feelings. Something along the lines of, "I don't think I need to have a boyfriend right now, and don't need to hear other people's opinions about it. If you make any comments about it I will leave." Don't be bitter - just matter of fact. And then enforce the boundary by excusing yourself from the conversation if they continue. State the behavior, and then the consequence. Rinse, wash, repeat.

Maybe this "such a pretty girl" needs to get her own things done before getting to the "worrying about a boyfriend" part of life yet.

DesertEyes

Hey there dolce, and sorry to hear your going thru this

Good for you, that's good recovery in action.

Awesome. You're working your recovery all over the place. Sounds great to me.

Not around here you won't hear that. ACoA' mature early, that's part of being the only adult in a toxic family. Besides, nobody is ever to young to live a life

hmmmm.... I dunno. What I am understanding from your post is that you have _learned_ a great deal about the emotional damage that has been done to you from living in a toxic family and that you are getting _better_ at dealing with your emotions. You are _not_ clinging this time, and that is a _huge_ improvement.

nah. That's just an old ACoA "brainwashing" you got going there. Dating is _hard_, and most of the time it doesn't work out. That's why there _so many_ dating websites, and tons of books, and so many people ending up in divorce.

If you found dating to be _easy_..... now _that_ would be a problem

Cuz you're _not_ looking for just any old boyfriend. You are looking for an honest-to-goodness _relationship_ with a caring, considerate human being. You _deserve_ a good relationship because _you_ are a good person that is caring and considerate.

yeah, it hurts something awful. Been there, done that. But that's how I know that you are a true gem that deserves a gem of a guy. If it did _not_ hurt, then it means you are a shallow person. The depth of your pain shows the depth of your love, and it also shows that you are doing the _right_ thing by _not_ taking a shallow relationship.

Been there, done that too, and I just ended up hating myself for having lowered myself to that level. Me? I'd rather be lonely and looking than hating myself for what I have become.

Mike

GingerM

Mike did a good job pretty much covering all the bases, but sometimes it's good to hear it more than once. So the things that popped out at me:

1. Age is in the mind, not the chronological number of years one has been wandering this earth. I know a person from my college days - he's pushing 50 and still living in his parents' attic (they won't let him live in the house, the attic is unfinished). He's declared bankruptcy 4 times that I know of. Is he more mature than you? I seriously doubt it.

2. Relationships. It's one thing to be in a relationship. It's a whole different bird to be in a healthy relationship. At 24, after 5 failed engagements, I swore I'd never marry. I was brought up being told that I was "supposed" to get married. But every time I got in a relationship, my life went down the tubes. So at 27 I swore I would never get married. At 30 I met a man who also swore he'd never get married. We only failed one day (we've been married 10 years now, still happy together, and still in a healthy relationship). Other people don't live in your head. They don't know what you're feeling or what's best for you. Only you can be the judge of that. Getting in a relationship because that's what other people want you to do is just a bad bad idea.

3. Finding a good relationship. There are a jillion people on the face of this earth. Expecting that you will find the right person for you (assuming there is one, and that you choose to be in a relationship) is longshot odds. You have to go through a lot of failures before you find success. Oh sure, you can get involved with just any ol' body, but if you're looking for an affirming healthy relationship, well, there's a lot of people out there who won't do that for you. Whatever you do, have enough respect for yourself to not just 'settle' for whatever is at hand. You deserve better than that.

It's normal to feel let down and sad when something you wanted gets taken away from you. It's normal to even feel sad when you're the one who ends the relationship. If you didn't feel sad or let down, there would be something terribly amiss with you. That doesn't mean there's anything WRONG with you, just that you and the other person weren't a good match.

takincareome

Everyone here has done an amazing job and I'd second everything they've said.

This all sounds so familiar to me. I used to be the same way. But I leapt into a marriage -- to an alcoholic, just like AF!! -- that was seriously unhealthy and ended badly because he wound up having an affair with a woman I considered a good friend. I blamed myself for a while for that, thinking if I'd been a good enough wife it wouldn't have happened. But you know what? It wasn't me. It was HIM. HE made that choice. He is now alone and miserable. I sought counseling (again) and I've learned some painful but ever-so-important lessons. I'm now married to a wonderful man -- someone that once in my life I would have considered boring and a stick-in-the-mud. He's neither. And it's taken me 36 years to get here, but I'm the happiest I've ever been.

My point here is, don't let the pressure drive you in to something unhealthy. Like Dothi said, focus on YOU and taking care of YOU. If you are happy with yourself and where you are in life, the rest will fall into place.

Wishing you lots of luck and sending you big hugs.